Very disappointed

[Wendy]

I found out this evening that my cousin is having an affair with a married man. I have been very close with this cousin my whole life. She is/was a very close friend.I know she has been having problems in her marriage lately, but I can not understand the affair. Another married guy & I know his wife well. In fact she was a good friend of my cousin. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

If someone is not happy in their marriage, why don't they leave before finding another partner? I can not stand the sneaking around & lying that people do when they are screwing around. She has 4 boys, 15, 14, 4, & the youngest will be 2 on Friday. She told someone that she hasn't been happy for quite some time. Why in the world would you have more kids with someone that you weren't happy with? Why would you go after another guy that is married & break up 2 marriages?

This whole thing makes me sick! It seems like having an affair is so common now that everyone thinks it's ok. I have seen this happen way too many times. Doesn't anyone take their marriage vows seriously anymore? It always seems to be the people I would least expect it from. I have decided I am going to start thinking the worst of everyone. That way I won't be disappointed when they do something stupid.

I am so sick about this right now. I am sick of how people drag their kids into their messes with no regard as to how it will affect them. I feel so bad for her parents who are embarrassed beyond words by what she has done. I feel bad for her brother. He was a good friend of "the other guy" & was best man in his wedding. So besides ruining her own marriage, she has hurt her family as well. I just don't understand what people are thinking when they do that.

I have lost a dear friend now because I completely lost all respect for her when I found this out. I will not pretend to be friends with someone when I do not agree with how they are acting. I can not pick up the phone & call her because I have nothing to say to her now. I am disappointed that she would do this.

Sorry, I had to vent.

[Kstornado11]

I totally agree that what they are doing is very wrong. However, I sure wouldn't "start thinking the worst of everyone" because of two people's bad decisions.

[big rockpile]

I don't have room to talk

big rockpile

[Peacock]

I don't know why. I guess some people just like having drama in their lives. Or they think they won't get caught. Or they can't make up their minds about whether to stay or go, so they do something despicable that will create a situation that forces them into it. Or all of the above. Depressing, isn't it? I'm so sorry for the hurt you must be feeling.

[RachAnn in NW Okla]

while I didnt have an affair, I did cheat on my husband when he was just a boyfriend (we were 17)....I felt so bad about it that I told him before anyone else could.....I wouldnt want to find out from just anyone that the man I love had cheated.....yes it hurt our relationship but we got past it...

we have now been married just shy of 8 years and together for 11 years

I take my marriage vows very seriously and would never do anything intentionally to break them...I expect the same from my spouse

Infidelity hurts many people not just the couples involved but their children, friends and any respect that has been given to the cheaters

Rachel

[AngieM2]

The only thing that bothers me about the original post is the

"Why would you go after another guy that is married & break up 2 marriages?"
Maybe she was the one chased at a weak point in her marriage?


But rest of it I agree, it's hard and stupid to do this stuff while still married.

Angie

[Wendy]

"Why would you go after another guy that is married & break up 2 marriages?"
Maybe she was the one chased at a weak point in her marriage?

They are both responsible. I do not believe that things just happen. I hate when people say that about having an affair. You don't put yourself into a situation where something can happen & it won't. I don't care if she had a weak point in her marriage, she should not have crossed that line & neither should he.

Sorry, I do not mean that to sound snippy Angie. I know you didn't mean anything by your post & I see your point. I swear I just want to go to her house & smack her & ask her what she was thinking!

I also don't understand how someone can claim to love someone when they have not spent any quality time with them. Sneaking around behind the backs of your spouses is not a real good way to get to know someone.

[AngieM2]

WEndy for your use at her house

And I feel badly for her family and friends, as one that found out very interesting information about the becoming ex-during the divorce.

Angie

[culpeper]

Years ago, when I was younger and more foolish, I ended a very close friendship because she was having an affair with a married man. The marriage broke up and they started living together. I just couldn't handle it. I lost respect for her altogether. I don't know whether the relationship lasted or not. I've often regretted my harsh attitude - she was a good friend to me.

Now I'm older and a little wiser, I still don't like the idea of infidelity, but I can allow people to make mistakes without being judgemental of them. You see, love itself isn't wrong, and you just can't help falling in love even if you are married to someone else! I've learned over the years that love CAN hurt, even if it hurts another person besides yourself. This is what life is all about. To err is human.

Be nice to your cousin. You don't want to end a close relationship because she's made (or is making) a mistake in your eyes. You never know, she might have been miserable for years and years, and be too ashamed to admit it. Maybe now she's finding true happiness. We can't really tell what's going on behind doors and inside someone else's head.

But - because I'm still a little old-fashioned in my views, despite being a little more tolerant - I think of this. "What goes around, comes around!"

[moonwolf]

[QUOTE=Wendy
If someone is not happy in their marriage, why don't they leave before finding another partner? [/QUOTE]

The funny thing is it seems some people ARE happy in their marriage by their own admission, but will seek another partner outside their marriage as well.
They might be 'happy' in their marriage in the sense it might seem comforatable security, but their personal fulfillments aren't being met otherwise.
I guess it's not always simple to determine their intentions to keep a spouse and 'someone on the side'. You would think if they ARE happily married that they wouldn't do that.

[cathyharrell]

In that movie The Departed, Matt Damon says to his girlfriend about her having to be the one to leave because he is Irish (?) etc. etc. I can't remember but when I heard that I thought that's me.

[MaineFarmMom]

Originally Posted by Wendy

Sorry, I do not mean that to sound snippy Angie. I know you didn't mean anything by your post & I see your point. I swear I just want to go to her house & smack her & ask her what she was thinking!

I think you should ask her exactly that. A good swift verbal kick in the backside to ask what she was thinking might be the jolt of reality she needs right now. I think it's what dear friends do for each other. If she doesn't straighten up I'd back off and consider what has to be done next. What a crappy thing for her to do not only to her family but to you. You're in a tough spot now.

[michiganfarmer]

Originally Posted by Wendy

If someone is not happy in their marriage, why don't they leave before finding another partner? (

Because there is security in a marraige. They can continue to feel secure, and still go out and get some strange.

[Ardie/WI]

Originally Posted by culpeper

Years ago, when I was younger and more foolish, I ended a very close friendship because she was having an affair with a married man. The marriage broke up and they started living together. I just couldn't handle it. I lost respect for her altogether. I don't know whether the relationship lasted or not. I've often regretted my harsh attitude - she was a good friend to me.

Now I'm older and a little wiser, I still don't like the idea of infidelity, but I can allow people to make mistakes without being judgemental of them. You see, love itself isn't wrong, and you just can't help falling in love even if you are married to someone else! I've learned over the years that love CAN hurt, even if it hurts another person besides yourself. This is what life is all about. To err is human.

Be nice to your cousin. You don't want to end a close relationship because she's made (or is making) a mistake in your eyes. You never know, she might have been miserable for years and years, and be too ashamed to admit it. Maybe now she's finding true happiness. We can't really tell what's going on behind doors and inside someone else's head.

But - because I'm still a little old-fashioned in my views, despite being a little more tolerant - I think of this. "What goes around, comes around!"

I agree.

[via media]

You can't know what's going on behind closed doors so don't be so quick to judge.

Adultery has always been common.

/VM

[knight88]

Wendy, Things like this start in so many ways, almost always innocently. perhaps her spouse doesn't talk to her or?? His wife may not have time for him due to? All things that seem like nothing to an outsider but may be cutting at the heart of those involved. Please, do not cut her off, she is most probably giong to need you and your advice/support soon. Also remember to walk a mile or two in her shoes. Prayers for you and yours... Andy

[Country Lady]

Some people just like the idea of sneaking around behind someone's back. It gives them a thrill. As far as "it just happened", I don't agree with. For it to just happen, one has to be looking for it. If there's a true committment to your marriage, there's no reason to look. I've said this a number of times. I've been married 42 years. I don't feel that I am too bad looking, but I've never in all these years got hit on by another man. I'm friendly to men friends and acquaintances the same as I am to women. I've just never been looking.

[heather]

Wendy, sorry this has happened in your family/friends.

Could I suggest a different approach than simply writing her off?

I understand totally that YOU are hurt, angry, disappointed......

I would venture to say that SHE is probably hurt and angry & disappointed with herself......

So, as her friend, take a DEEP breath & go to her -
Tell her you are extremely disappointed, but that you love her -
Maybe it will help her to have you to talk to -

It might make you disgusted and it might make you angry, but if she is having an affair, she needs your level head.

Just another thought -

I will say a prayer for her & her family -

[Callieslamb]

I usually wouldn't enter into a topic like this one. But I believe deeply in the importance of family and see many things erroding families in our society. Wendy, you are a wise woman to see that these two people have hurt so many people by their actions. they probably didn't think of it that way and didn't mean to hurt others, but it happened. Don't count us all out though. You have had a terrible shock.

Affairs are the actions of selfish people. If my DH isn't talking to me enough - I tell him. Not the world, not my sister, HIM. And vice versa. We are responsible for our own happiness. Others such as spouses can certainly help and bring much joy to our lives, but we are the responsible party. If I think dh is slipping on his commitment to me, and if I am a responsible person, I will tell him. AND vice versa.

I CAN help who I fall in love with. Love isn't just a soft warm, squishy feeling we have inside for someone special. Love is an action verb. We LOVE someone by our actions. Attraction comes first - I don't believe it is lasting love until we have taken some action in that person's behalf. Love is serving. I CAN control what I feel by using my 'stop' button. Sometimes we can see someone of the opposite sex and say "whoa, that is an attractive person." But the thought doesn't need to go any further. I can control what I think. So can everyone else IF THEY WANT TO. YAGOTTAWANNA.

Many people have lost sight of what real commitment is. Their commitment goes as far as it serves their purposes an then they jump boat. (selfishness) Some will tell you that they didn't mean for an affair TO happen. Well, did they mean for it to NOT happen? Did they keep themselves above reproach? Out of the danger zone? You MEAN/ PLAN for nothing to happen - ahead of time. Or, you are meaning/planning for something to happen.....

Since we have many that no longer see their marriage as a commitment to God as well as others, it is an easier thing to destroy.

Wendy, I hope your family and friends can hold it together and see this as the action of only 2 people in your circle not as what all of us would do. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best through this difficult time.

[jen74145]

Wow... have to agree with Callieslamb. Very nicely said.

Wendy, I don't knwo what to tell you, but if you're close with the kids, maybe try spending some extra time with them (I know, hardly exists, but YKWIM). Regardless, they're going to need someone right now, poor kids.