Feeling like a mean mom

[Wendy]

My oldest son will be 16 in June. Like most kids he has talked about getting his license like everyone else. Well, when he was born he was less than 2 pounds. He had surgery on his eyes which pretty much ruined his periphial (sp?) vision. His right eye with his glasses is about 20/40 & his left eye with his glasses is 20/200. Along with vision problems he is slightly delayed. Nothing major, but is in special ed for most school subjects as he is a couple of grade levels behind kids his age. We even held him back a year. Anyway, we live with him & know his mannerisms & how he reacts to things. He does not react quickly to anything. It takes him a minute to think of what he needs to do. And anyone that drives knows you do not have a minute to think of how you are going to react to something.

At his last eye exam about a month ago I asked his eye doctor what he thought & he agrees with us. He said it would not be a good idea for him to get his license. He said his field of vision is very poor. He said it may be OK on a country road during the day, but absolutely no highway or interstate driving & no driving at night. Even town driving would not be a good idea. So we have told him getting his license is not going to happen.

I feel really bad. I know what it's like to be a teenager & how you look forward to that. BUT, as a parent, I can not put him in a vehicle if I don't think he would be safe on the road. To top this off I have had people comment & ask why we aren't letting him take driver's ed. I get so tired of explaining & defending our decision. I am really glad the doctor had the same opinion. If he would have said his vision was OK enough, we would have let him take driver's ed.

I am just feeling a little sad for him. I did have to laugh though. His twin sister is blind & she told him not to feel bad because she wasn't able to drive either. This of course will put a strain on getting a job & getting there everyday. I told him he wouldn't have to get a full-time job right now because he won't have the expense of a car which is the biggest thing.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. There are already enough people on the road that shouldn't be driving. I sure don't want to put another person on the road that would not be safe. I just wish people would not question our decision on this. I told my mom that anyone who thinks he should get his license is welcome to live with him for a year. I am sure that would change their mind. He is a great kid. Hard worker & very dependable. I can count on him to get the work done if I am not home. My mom & dad have been with him enough to know how he is. So at least we have a couple of people on our side. Now if everyone else would just back off!

[frazzlehead]

Hey Wendy, I'm totally with you on this one!

I also feel for your son, it must be really disappointing for him ... but it is everyone's responsibility to keep the roads safe and once he's past his disappointment, he'll see that too, I am sure, being the good kid he is.

There was a guy in the next province over who had lost his license. Since he couldn't drive, he rode his horse into town. He kept going trhough the Wendy's Drive Through on his horse, and that was a problem ... so the manager of the Wendy's offered to put in a hitching post in the lot so the guy could tie up the horse and come on in for a burger. I thought that was a creative solution to a problem! Unrealistic for most of us, but it sure was thinking outside the box!

Now, were you in Pennsylvania, you could get a horse & buggy for him and he'd blend right in.

Seriously, though, you're doing the right thing ... and he'll see it, too, after he lets himself be sad for a bit.

[A'sta at Hofstead]

I am so sorry - it must be so very hard to put the reality right out there, but you must.

[Rory]

I applaud your sticking to your beliefs. He wouldn't be safe, yet a country road would be fun someday, sometime. It's a big disappointment for him, which makes it very hard on you. He'll settle in and find something else.

[hoggie]

You are doing the right thing but I must admit I do feel sorry for him. Over here the driving age is 17 and a week after my 17th birthday I was told I couldn't drive for medical reasons. I outgrew them eventually and now drive but the disappointment when you have built up to it and all your mates are about to drive - is hard.

Is there something else he could learn to do (which his mates not be able to) to compensate for it? I have absolutely no idea what, but to be able to learn to do something new might take the edge off it?

hoggie

[jerzeygurl]

i dont know about his reflex ect

but his vision should not be an issue i have the exact same prescription

20/40 20/200( cant see the e on top row but know its an e)

i dont even have a restriction on my licence, and they test every time i renew....


if he has other issues that is one thing, and I can't comment on that...or if you just dont want a 16 year old driving thats cool as well, my parents didnt let me drive untill 17...

the licence bureau can test his eyes and see if he is licenceable

[Wendy]

A big part of his problem is no peripheal vision. His field of vision is very poor. Like if you hold your hands straight out to your side & look straight ahead you can still see your fingers if you move them. At least I can. He does not see them until they are practically in front of him. He has what they call tunnel vision. Kind of like looking through 2 paper towel tubes. Or a horse with blinders on. You only see what is right in front of you. Sorry, but to be a safe driver, you need that peripheal vision. You need to see the jerk driver that pulls out in front of you, or the deer that leaps out of the trees at you. He just doesn't have that.

He was drivng a gator helping my brother haul wood. My sister-in-law tells him to slow down, he didn't, so she yells for him to stop, instead he hit the gas & hit a tree. He just does not react to things like he needs to & I do not want him to hurt or kill anyone or himslef because of it.

Sorry, but I think a licensed optometrist is a much better judge of his vision than someone at the license branch testing him.

[NBC3Mom]

I am sure it was a hard decision for you to make but it seems to be the right one for now.
Since the doctor said he can drive on the country roads during the day, it might make him feel better if he had a learner's permit and could drive there with an adult once in a while.

[suzfromWi]

What about a four wheeler just on your property? Could he handle that? It would be something at least...

[Wendy]

I am sure it was a hard decision for you to make but it seems to be the right one for now.
Since the doctor said he can drive on the country roads during the day, it might make him feel better if he had a learner's permit and could drive there with an adult once in a while.

We have thought of that, but I think it would be harder on him to have such limits than to just not let him drive at all. We are thinking maybe a mo-ped. ?? Town is only about 5 miles, so that would be a possible thing to take to work. They also have a public transportation thing in our area. For a certain price they will pick you up & bring you home from work. So there will be options for him as far as working. It's the leisure time like going out with friends that will be the hard part.

[Wendy]

What about a four wheeler just on your property? Could he handle that? It would be something at least...

We only have 3 1/2 acres, so there really isn't anywhere for him to ride it. I hate the kids that go up & down the road on them as fast as they can. That is not going to happen with our kids. They are for off road use. It's crazy in this area, the kids that have them & drive them on the road with no worry about anyone but themselves. Right now he has the old riding mower to drive on. We stripped the deck & everything off of it when the mowing part went bad & just kept the tractor part for pulling a small trailer we have. He actually could drive it to my parents if he wanted as it is only about 4 miles from here. Oh, and read the above Gator incident. Besides that he has ran the tractor into the top of well. He just doesn't seem to see the stuff right in front of him.

[madness]

My cousin has some sort of very minor brain damage. She acts completely normal (though a little socially immature) and even has a masters degree. But she cannot drive. It has something to do with snap decisions (like your son being slow to react). Things were really rough for her when she was 16 and everyone else was getting a license. But she quickly adjusted. Her parents drove her a lot and she learned to ride the bus. She now lives alone and rides the bus every where or has someone pick her up. It hasn’t been a problem for her. But there are always people that “don’t get it” since she seems “so normal”. I expect the same thing is happening with your son. Being able to drive is thought of as a “right” and people think you have to be severely disabled not to. But that’s not the case!

People will get over it. Next time someone butts in, tell them that since he can’t see very well, you don’t want him test driving your car, but if they wanted to donate their car for it, they are welcome to do it. Worked for my cousin!

[Wendy]

Originally Posted by madness

My cousin has some sort of very minor brain damage. She acts completely normal (though a little socially immature) and even has a masters degree. But she cannot drive. It has something to do with snap decisions (like your son being slow to react). Things were really rough for her when she was 16 and everyone else was getting a license. But she quickly adjusted. Her parents drove her a lot and she learned to ride the bus. She now lives alone and rides the bus every where or has someone pick her up. It hasn’t been a problem for her. But there are always people that “don’t get it” since she seems “so normal”. I expect the same thing is happening with your son. Being able to drive is thought of as a “right” and people think you have to be severely disabled not to. But that’s not the case!

People will get over it. Next time someone butts in, tell them that since he can’t see very well, you don’t want him test driving your car, but if they wanted to donate their car for it, they are welcome to do it. Worked for my cousin!

That sounds like him. He seems "normal" to most people. Unless you are around him a lot, you don't realize his delays. I just wish people would realize not everyone is "normal".

[Ardie/WI]

It's very difficult to be a teenager with a disability as they want to be 'cool' and like everyone else. But, in all honesty, I wouldn't want him to be on the road either.

We have a man who lives in our community with sight disabilities and he cannot get a driver's license. He drives his tractor wherever he needs to go and calls it his convertible. Our town is a speed bump on the highway so he doesn't have to go far. I'll tell you all a secret. I've seen him drive a truck or two, but never on the country road, just on the back roads.

As for people who question your decision about im not getting his license, tell them it's a family decision. It's none of their business.

[Madame]

My dd has no physical disabilities and STILL had to wait til she was 18 to get her license. I didn't have the money for insurance and I wanted her to have lots of practice. She was not pleased, but adapted to reality. So will your son.

[sewsilly]

Wendy,

You're a wonderful, responsible parent. You're making the choice in your child's best interest.

There are always options, like the public transport you mentioned, which is available most places. In my locale, there are several places that offer excellent help for folks who are just a bit older than he is and job-trained. There is handicapped accessible housing/public transport and jobs. These are located in small to midsized cities.

I have a friend who's blind daughter lives alone, takes public transport to her job each day, etc. While her life isn't perfect (transport schedules, etc), she is independant and lives a life of good quality, which is something that they had never thought would be possible.

Will he be continuing education, like a technical school? They are set up to manage accomodations, just like special ed (I teach this group). They often have counseling available for students in finding jobs that work with their particular special needs.

I do wish you the best, as well as your boy.

[Denise K.]

Wendy,
I can relate to having a child want to drive. My youngest is 17 now has fine vision corrected with his glasses but.................no drivers liscense yet! Why because he is not safe to drive, son has know sense of space, position of vehicles etc. We have worked with him but realize he is simply not able to drive safely at this time. So he still drives with a learners permit(and parent) and will until we feel he is ready. (even if all his friends drive).
Our friends 19 year old daughter was hit and killed while riding her bike 4 years ago. The man that hit her is a church pastor who was having failing vision problems due to diabetes. Several lives were horribly altered due to his inablity to give up that driving priviledge. I wish he had stopped driving.
For over 15 years I have worked with a secretary who has very decreased visual acuity. But she has worked, raised four kids and other then the fact she gets her face close to the computer screen you would never know. But she does not drive.
So Wendy, you have made an excellent decsesion. Your son will be able to find a job one day just won't be a driving job, but as it goes now my son won't be driving either! Your daughter was so sweet trying to cheer her brother up. Give them both a hug1

[Maura]

I think the moped idea sounds fun. It would give him a little independence and let him get around. The big thing with a license is because it is our society's right of passage.

[Cheryl in SD]

My dad wouldn't let any of us get a car until 1) we could buy it - cash, 2) we could pay our own insurance, and 3) we could pay for our own gas.

I didn't get to drive until I was 18!

If he is ready to work he could get a scooter or moped to get back & forth. But even those could be a problem if is periphial vision is bad.

[almostthere]

It wouldn't matter if you said ok, because once he fails his vision exam at the DMV he won't be driving anyway. He may not fail the eye exam in the office, but once he takes his driving exam with the instructor they will realize he isn't fit to drive.
But if he pushes it, go ahead and let him take the driving exam at the DMV and let him fail. He might need to do that, to comes to terms with it. Call the DMV ahead of time and let them know, so they can be prepared.