Am I mad ?

[hoggie]

Ok - after some of the recent threads about asking for advice, I may be asking for trouble here but I go round in circles on this one. Warning - as I haven't yet introduced myself on this board, there will quite a few "I's" to begin with.

Right - to start off, I am a single mum with a 5yo daughter. She is at school, so I work mornings collect her for lunch, and when she goes back to school in the afternoon I have about an hour to myself to do jobs around the smallholding. I am involved in 3 youth groups (2 I am totally responsible for, the other I help with run ) total for these about a day a week. I look after a friend's son one afternoon a week after school, and now seem to be responsible for his homework too (and am on standby if needed for other afternoons).

I also look after another friend's small business which I do from home in the evenings.

We live in a flat which is about 1mile from our smallholding (very frustrating as once DD is in bed I can't get out and garden or anything else).

We have 1 pony, 1 pig (retired sow leftover from my breeding days), 2 goats (not yet bred), poultry, and at home we have 1 dog, 1 cat, 1 guinea pig, 1 mynah bird. I have a good sized veg garden (I used to grow all my own veg until my daughter was born and have been building it back up for the last two years). In the next year, we will have to either buy or borrow a billy goat, after which we will have kids and kidding to take care of and milking to keep up with, and I am planning to get myself a horse for me to ride. I am also hoping, at some point in the next year or 18 months to get meat rabbits for our own use.

My daughter's school has fruit each day which is normally delivered to the school and prepared by parents. Because I work mornings so can't do a morning shift, I said I would collect the fruit over the weekend and peel the carrots for 120 kids at home on the Sunday night and take it into school on the Monday morning. Although my daughter is at school, she is very bright so needs extra schooling at home to keep her interest.

So the question is .....I agreed a couple of months ago, to take on another youth group. It has been delayed a bit for various reasons, and now I am having second thoughts. Maybe it is time that I should be spending with my daughter or on the smallholding. I don't know. My family say I am mad for even thinking about it .....but they think I am mad anyway

so....am I mad?

hoggie

[AngieM2]

hoggie - from what I can make out on your time schedule, - Probably MAD.

Angie

[anniew]

look down. Do you have a big "S" on your chest. If not, stop trying to be Superwoman.

[Tracy Rimmer]

I got tired just reading your post, Hoggie. I don't think you're mad, but I do think you ought to reconsider your number of outside commitments. I can't see that being sustainable long-term.

[SherryR]

Hey, Hoggie,
I know women like you--and wonder why they dont collapse! You're doing to much, dear. Spend that smidgen of time with your daughter, or just sit still. Dont add more work, there's no need to fill every gap of time in your life.
Sherry

[hoggie]

hey - I'm mad do I get a certificate LOL

Superwoman I'm not - you should see the housework I don't get done in a week

I must admit I do sometimes wonder how long I can keep all the balls in the air for - and occasionally I think they're all going to fall on my head.

Trouble is I sort of grew up with a "if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem" attitude, so if someone puts a problem in front of me I just can't help trying to solve it. And then I look at how fast my little one is growing up and wonder what she will remember most about me when she gets bigger - probably the constant refrain of "come on we have to get a move on"

hoggie

[AngieM2]

hoggie - go have a picnic with your little one.

I'm having to learn to say "no" and turn down some things. After a little bit it gets easier and we dont' have to fix the whole world.

Angie

[Maura]

You're not mad. You just figured out that you are only one person and being a mom comes first. Use the delays as an out.

[Pink_Carnation]

Originally Posted by hoggie

hey - I'm mad do I get a certificate LOL



Trouble is I sort of grew up with a "if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem" attitude, so if someone puts a problem in front of me I just can't help trying to solve it. And then I look at how fast my little one is growing up and wonder what she will remember most about me when she gets bigger - probably the constant refrain of "come on we have to get a move on"

hoggie

The reason for the phrase is people complaining about how things were/are without ever doing anything to make them better. It is not about solving everybodys problems for them.

I would try to spend more time with your daughter now and you can go crazy with trying to help everyone later. Our children's pastor said when they did the love languages in Sunday school that the majority of the kids primary language was time.

[Wildwood Flower]

I used to be just like you....and I think I missed out on a whole lot of things with my kids because of it.

Let a few other people get the good feeling of being involved and helping out. Nobody should do more than their fair share, it's not right, it's not fair, and pretty soon you just give out and you're no good to anybody. So there!

"No Thank You" is reason enough...you don't have to give any reasons or excuses...just tell those people that you realized you will be unable to do that other volunteer job.

Hey, and Glad you're here!

[MorrisonCorner]

AAKK.. that "if you're not part of the solution" thing has Peril written all over it. It propels you into doing way more than is reasonable and making choices which might not be approprate for your family.

Carried to the extreme you get Mother Theresa and any number of other uber-givers. The gold standard of selfless giving. Most of us can't even hope to reach that level, but leap in with both feet anyway.

I would say, which is not unreasonable, "since I made that offer things have changed in my life and while at the time I could have fit that into my schedule, at this late date I can't."

[sewsilly]

Immediately learn to say NO to extra stuff, until your daughter is much older (like 18) This time passes so fast it's hard to believe. The only thing worse than a rushed childhood, is a rushed childhood WITH a rushed mommy.

A very serious illness made me realize the above, and when discovering that I had survived, I dedicated myself to learning to say "no, for now'.

Not 'no' forever, just 'no' for now...

[MarleneS]

If you are allowing yourself to let some other parent not hold up their end of the deal with the youth groups you are enabling them to not be part of the solution. Just a thought that might help you see the solution in a different light.

Anyone who takes on the responsiblity of one youth group is doing enough, so with two more already you're doing more then enough.

I'm with you on the idea of taking whatever time you would have for the additional youth group and finding something that is parent child bonding with your daughter.

Hugs
marlene

[Callieslamb]

Hoggie
You have heard it from everyone - but practice with me for a minute.....

>"NNN---OOO, I am so sorry that I can't take that on."
(and walk away so they can't try to talk you into it)

" N-n-n-n-n---oooooo, I can't, how about some other parents of the kids involved?"(and walk away to end the conversation.)

"N-n-n-n-n----oooooo. Sorry. (and walk away so you aren't tempted to do it)

"nope. ( and walk away thinking of all that you DO do for your community)

"No way." (and walk away with a smile)

If you need our permission to say 'NO' to yet another youth group - you seem to have it. I think your first responsibility is to your daughter and your life. You add on from there. Don't be afraid to disappoint others. Usually, they come to the one that is easiest to get to do it first. It is less effort for them that way. If what they want is really needed - they will find someone.

I don't understand why you take on youth groups where you are the only one responsible. Is your daughter involved? Maybe a reduction in extra-curricular activities will help you meet your goals?

[Cheryl in SD]

Hello, and welcome!

You are not mad, just too busy. Being part of the solution could mean that you help recruit others to do some of these jobs. I used to think that if I didn't do them, no one would, I was wrong, they always get done and others have stepped up to do what I thought only I could do. It was a major shock to find I was replacable.

Could you sit down with your schedule, make a list of everything you are doing and put them in order of importance to you and your dd? Then make a realistic schedule of what you need to do. You sound like such a good person, don't burn out too soon!

[babygoats!]

yup.
mad.
as a hatter.
Welcome!!!

[Bernadette]

Try this for a response.

"No, not right now. However, perhaps one of the parents would be interested in coming and helping out with one of the youth groups I'm already involved in - to learn how it's done so they can take on the new group? You're welcome to come to me for support and suggestions, but responsibility for the entire group - no thank you."

Then apply this concept to the other groups you work with, until you're down to just the one you enjoy the most.

Having your daughter 'work' with you with the animals achieves a double purpose. The work gets done without you feeling guilty about being away from her, you spend time with her, and she learns responsibility. Perhaps the rabbits could be her very own 'farm' endeavour. Allow one to be a pet, the rest are designated farm animals. If a new rabbit becomes a favorite, the old favorite must go.

Oh, and make sure the mother of the young boy you care for understands that except for the 1 day you're committed to, on the other days your regular schedule takes priority - so he may well end up helping with chores, and she'll have to find time for homework later.

Just a few thoughts from an 'old' woman who's been there and done that, and wished I'd done it differently.

[hoggie]

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice.

I guess you are all right.

Somebody asked how I happen to be involved in so many groups - a little history. When my daughter was tiny, I looked into starting an award scheme for teenagers (something I had been involved in as a teenager but was no longer available in our area). I heard nothing back and so put it on a hook as a non-starter.

About a year later, I was approached about taking over a group for 5-7 year olds which I had my daughter's name down for. It was on the verge of closing down so, because I wanted it to be there for my daughter, I took it on and have now been running it for 3 years.

Our area is notoriously bad for people not volunteering, and the older section of our group (10-14 year olds) closed down because they could not get anyone to take it on. Some time later I was approached again by someone who was prepared to re-open this section and would I help her out - I agreed. Within two weeks of us starting up and running, the authorities approached me about the group I had originally offered to start up - so now I was involved with three groups - one of 5-7 yos, one of 10-14 yos, and one of 14+.

The new group I had agreed to do - is a sports club for which I am the only person anywhere near qualified to run. I do not have the qualifications but have the skills and i could do the qualification in a day if I decide to do it.

My home is a strange place to live - people expect their kids to have activities laid on and will NOT do anything about it - I can't even get parents to come along as extra hands when we have outings. And the hassle I get if I ever have to cancel because of illness - it interferes with their childcare arrangements! Because we live in a totally safe crime free environment, people tend to kick their kids out the door very young and just let them wander about on their own unless they have a club to go to.

School has the same problem - they sent a letter home about the fruit problem, I said I would help IN AN EMERGENCY and I was the only one out of 120 kids who even replied to the letter - which is how I got that one.

However, you are all right - I spoke to my daughter today. Asked her that if she had a choice, which would she rather have - the new sports club which she was really excited about and looking forward to learning, or extra time to do stuff together. No prizes for guessing which she chose - she didn't even have to think about it. Mum time won hands down - made me feel quite small really.

Anyway - thank you all for offering opinions. I worry that if I say that time is for us, I am being selfish. But my little one SHOULD come first.


thanks again

hoggie