Who is responsible?

[birdie_poo]

Every teenager that I have ever know has ALWAYS begged for responsibility or the opportunity to show they are trustworthy. I have been giving that to my teens for the past 6 weeks, but I am disappointed each and every time. While my husband is at a military school, I visit him every weekend, leaving the teens home alone. The only thing I ask they do while I am gone is take their vitamins & rx meds, do their chores, not to eat everything in sight, and be responsible. A. does not have a cell phone so I leave our extra one with her so she can be reached any time of the day and can reach me in case of an emergency. The other two have their own phones.

I normally fly out on Friday evening and return Sunday evening. The only time I ever get a call is if something major happens. Last weekend it was to tell me the pig died. This weekend was to tell me the newly hatched ducklings could get out of the pen they were in. In each instance I was able to give them (what I thought was common knowledge) help. The neighbors were called to see if they could move the pig. The ducklings were supposed to be put in another pen.

My son, who called about the pig acted as if we were expecting too much of him to go to the neighbor's house to see if they could help him move the pig. We ended up calling from Arizona to ask if we could get someone to help move it.

When my daughter called about the ducklings I felt like saying DUH!!!! Put them in a pen that has smaller holes so they don't get out!!!! Now I know that this seems like every day stuff and nothing to be frustrated about, but I ended up taking care of the pig myself when I got home on Sunday, and this morning, I discovered the bodies of all the dead ducklings after being told they had disappeared.

What am I doing wrong? Should I get them a babysitter?

[Peacock]

Sounds like they need consequences. The consequences for what they did wrong while you were gone are all your problem, not theirs.

[FiddleKat]

Sorry to hear about the pig and the poor ducklings.
It seems as if they ask for responsibility yet don't expect they should follow through. Maybe giving them a responsibility and then telling them that if they don't follow through they will lose something.
Do you pay for thier phones? Maybe have them "pay" for the service through certain chores, and when those chores arn't done, the phone will be "shut off."
This would happen in the real world for them if they were living out on their own.
Just a suggestion. I don't have any teenagers myself.

[michiganfarmer]

Originally Posted by birdie_poo

Every teenager that I have ever know has ALWAYS begged for responsibility or the opportunity to show they are trustworthy. I have been giving that to my teens for the past 6 weeks, but I am disappointed each and every time. While my husband is at a military school, I visit him every weekend, leaving the teens home alone. The only thing I ask they do while I am gone is take their vitamins & rx meds, do their chores, not to eat everything in sight, and be responsible. A. does not have a cell phone so I leave our extra one with her so she can be reached any time of the day and can reach me in case of an emergency. The other two have their own phones.

I normally fly out on Friday evening and return Sunday evening. The only time I ever get a call is if something major happens. Last weekend it was to tell me the pig died. This weekend was to tell me the newly hatched ducklings could get out of the pen they were in. In each instance I was able to give them (what I thought was common knowledge) help. The neighbors were called to see if they could move the pig. The ducklings were supposed to be put in another pen.

My son, who called about the pig acted as if we were expecting too much of him to go to the neighbor's house to see if they could help him move the pig. We ended up calling from Arizona to ask if we could get someone to help move it.

When my daughter called about the ducklings I felt like saying DUH!!!! Put them in a pen that has smaller holes so they don't get out!!!! Now I know that this seems like every day stuff and nothing to be frustrated about, but I ended up taking care of the pig myself when I got home on Sunday, and this morning, I discovered the bodies of all the dead ducklings after being told they had disappeared.

What am I doing wrong? Should I get them a babysitter?

My thought is if you cant trust them, stay home and supervise them. Your thread title is "who is responcsible?". I think the adult is always responsible

[southerngurl]

I was recently a teen LOL.

My thought is if you can't trust them, you haven't raised them right. They should have already learned this stuff. They need fairly harsh consequences at this point. Start them with smaller responsibilities, next time, so things don't die when they don't do their job.

I took care of all of my own animals from the time I had them as a child. If I don't feed something, it dies. It's my responsibility. I have 2 horses, 4 goats, 7 cats, 7 ducks, 1 rabbit, fish etc. I take good care of everyone of them. No well tells me I need to feed this, or clean that, I do it because I want it done. If someone did it for me, I wouldn't have learned it. Your kids need interests too. REAL ones, not clothes, friends, or electronics. These are entertainment. They need something constructive that they have a desire to make succeed, they will learn responsibility because they care. With me, it's animals and gardening. Quit being a safety net for your children during their "learning" portion of life, otherwise they have to learn it during the "doing" portion of life.

I don't know your situation, this is mainly generic advice.

[Maura]

I think they are getting attention from you long distance. You are gone, they are happy to have you out of their hair. But, on the other hand, they probably feel a little abandoned.

As per their "responsibility", hey, they aren't destroying the house, they aren't having parties while you are gone or otherwise taking advantage of being left alone. I think that speaks volumes about how well you have raised them.

[FiddleKat]

Can't speak about the pig....but the poor ducklings could very well be alive if they had been responsibile enough to pen them up in a safer place. I don't think that was much to ask for.

Granted Maura, they didn't have any parties while she was gone (unless they clean up the evidence really good) but the poor ducklings are dead.

My BIL who had custody of thier 17 yr old cousin use to leave him every weekend. This kid never had any responsibility whatsoever, and never was held accountable. My BIL found evidence of him having a party. And he thought it was only one party.When in fact a party went on every weekend. When we moved into the house after my BIL kicked the cousin out for getting into trouble, we found alot of evidence of parties. The backyard was littered with beer bottles, and the floor in the living room had one spot it was sticky from beer. Broken windows, etc.

[AngieM2]

How old are they? Just curious.
Angie

[Ardie/WI]

What you're doing wrong is leaving them alone and trusting them. Yes, they need a baby sitter.

(Posted by a woman who remembers very well what she did as a teenager and raised two of them!)

[birdie_poo]

Originally Posted by Ardie/WI

What you're doing wrong is leaving them alone and trusting them. Yes, they need a baby sitter.

(Posted by a woman who remembers very well what she did as a teenager and raised two of them!)

I guess you are correct...I just remember being a teen who was VERY responsible, and can't quite figure out why they can't be.

They are 16 (next month) and 17 (x2). If it's not the argument that I ask them to do too much, it's the argument that I make everything too easy for them. If I leave them a list of chores, they get bent out of shape because they have to spend the weekend doing work. If I don't leave them a list, they don't even do the things they are supposed to to (like take meds and feed the animals).

I only have 3 more weekends that I will be gone, and while this may seem irresponsible, this is the first time I have ever been able to have time alone with my husband since having the children, and they are the ones screaming for responsibility and being able to be trusted.

I have taken away the personal computers and cell phones (did that this morning). They are also grounded...they WILL NOT be able to do anything away from the house this weekend unless I have written verification that they had to go to work (the older 2 have jobs outside the home).

The pig was old and I knew he wasn't going to make it very long. I was just frustrated that my son calls to say he's dead and then acts like he doesn't know what to do. It's not like we haven't farmed pretty much ALL their lives!.

What makes me the maddest is they were all home all weekend, and no one could get up off their butt to do their normal chores, or at least do them correctly. I get the normally argument about how they did do them, but the evidence states otherwise...animals that have been fed or watered the day prior don't gulp water or eat the food like they've never seen it before.

We've even given them the option...they want us to cut back on the animals, so they have been given permission to butcher every weekend. So far, the only dead animals are the pig and ducklings and that was old age and pure negligence.

I guess I'm more venting frustration than anything...yes, they are well mannered and behaved and yes, I should be able to trust them and have them act responsibly while I am away...but it just blows my mind how ANYONE could sit in a house mere yards away from animals who don't have the capacity to get their own food and water.

[AngieM2]

Wendy - what scares me the most out of all your frustration is that they are 16 and 17,17 and cannot be counted on to take their medicines. How are they going to be adults if they cannot even do that to take care of themselves.?

Angie

[Queen Bee]

Have you sat them down and told them how dissappointed you are in them! What you expect of them? Have you said with out a doubt--what you need them to do??? Tell them if they aren't going to be responsible--you can get a babysitter or they can come along with you! Why could your children not bury the pig? Are they handicapped? If not there is no reason why they could not dig a hole--taking turns w/ one shovel if that's all you had... No reason at all... I think it's time for a pow-wow and remember you are the cheif!!! Remember---17yr olds will be off to college or on their own in a year!! Good luck... Queen Bee

[suburbanite]

Are they developmentally delayed or something? A kid that age should be able to deal with that level of responsibility.

They should be grounded for letting the ducklings die. That is just unconscionable.

[birdie_poo]

Originally Posted by suburbanite

Are they developmentally delayed or something? A kid that age should be able to deal with that level of responsibility.

They should be grounded for letting the ducklings die. That is just unconscionable.

They do not have school this week, so it's hard labor as punishment. I forgot to take the tv remote, though...we have a DVR and you HAVE to have the remote to watch anything that has been recorded. They can still watch regular TV, unless I decide to completely take the TV out of the house, too.

What I feel like doing it hiring some 13 year old to baby sit them and make THEM pay her!

[largentdepoche]

Um..I hope I won't sound rude when I say this..

Teenagers have a definate view on what is theirs and what isn't. The teens probably don't care about the animals IF they aren't specifically their own..like a pet or a show animal. They get testy because they feel they're doing your chores, taking care of your animals.

I would sit them down and have a talk about responsbility and helping out one another..teens need to be constantly reminded since the other sex and Gameboys and fashion cloud their minds..trust me on that one.

Kat

[Snowdancer]

I may get flamed a little but I would be concerned about leaving helpless animals for 3 more weekends now that you Know they're not feeding & watering them like they should. The critters don't have a choice but you do. That's not meant to be disrespectful but animals that you choose to have on your farm are dependant on you & to leave them in the hands of teens that have already shown they aren't trustworthy is less than responsible on the adults part IMO.

All the yelling, grounding, lectures, etc isn't going to guarantee that once you're away they'll do those chores responsibly for the next 3 weekends. They may just feed/water 30 minutes before you arrive back home so the critters don't act like they've been neglected when you go check.

I personally couldn't in good conscience leave the animals in this situation.

Of course, I wouldn't leave 3 teens alone without an adult checking on them at random times, even the best of kids are not always logical or responsible-too much could happen to not have an adult overseeing them when you're gone.

[Ardie/WI]

Originally Posted by KY Guest

I may get flamed a little but I would be concerned about leaving helpless animals for 3 more weekends now that you Know they're not feeding & watering them like they should. The critters don't have a choice but you do. That's not meant to be disrespectful but animals that you choose to have on your farm are dependant on you & to leave them in the hands of teens that have already shown they aren't trustworthy is less than responsible on the adults part IMO.

All the yelling, grounding, lectures, etc isn't going to guarantee that once you're away they'll do those chores responsibly for the next 3 weekends. They may just feed/water 30 minutes before you arrive back home so the critters don't act like they've been neglected when you go check.

I personally couldn't in good conscience leave the animals in this situation.

Of course, I wouldn't leave 3 teens alone without an adult checking on them at random times, even the best of kids are not always logical or responsible-too much could happen to not have an adult overseeing them when you're gone.

I agree with Kathy 100% here! I wouldn't never trust any teenager without some supervision.

Sadly, it sounds as if these kids have no respect for you, nor do they have any for the lives of helpless animals.

If you must go and visit your DH, for goodness sakes, get them an adult sitter.

[bumpus]

.
Make the children clean up the mess ! ! !

The children killed the ducks by not taking care of them.

What killed the pig ? Neglect !

On top of a good butt whippin with a paddle for each child, they would loose there cell phones for a month or two.

They would be made to take care of all livestock chores.

No TV for two weeks.

They would get a rope all three children pulling together, and drag the pig out and dig a hole and bury it.

They would dig another separate hole and be made to bury the duck and cover them up, and I would not help them.

And they would be told if anything like this ever happened like this again they do not want to know what would happen.

When they are told what to do and they do not do it.

The 2 - 17 year old children are not babies, and the 13 year old knows better.

They also know that you are not going to do any thing about it, except complain and then it will be over for them, end of story.

I am surprised they even took the time to call and tell you about the problems.


They played Old Mom again.

Maybe this is their way of getting you to stay at home and not leave them alone to visit Old Dad.

They have no fear of what they don't do and the have very little respect for you or your authority.


bumpus
.

[caroline00]

well, if you have already had 6 weekends with your husband, you're doing pretty well.

Teens need more supervision than preteens, in my opinion.
Why dont you send the boy this weekend to spend a weekend with dad? He hasnt seen him for 6 weeks or more? right? Where is he getting his male role model?

[patnewmex]

I am guessing that it is a communicaiton breakdown between you and the kids.

NEXT TIME: Tell them before you leave that they have begged for a chance to show responsibility and this is a chance for them to prove it to you. Give them example of things, like what happened with the pig and ducklings, that they should have done for themselves.

It is my guess that as children, they still look to you for advice and "the last word" on how to manage problems. That is what I would have done myself.

So, take it upon yourself to communicate your wishes. Give them examples and tell them you expect them to make most decisions themselves. It is up to YOU to communicate this to them. They are not mind readers. (And maybe you already spell things out for them, I don't know.)

The things you outlined to me seem small and not anything to get excited about as far as "they didn't prove they can be responsible people". Usually that is held for a larger things like being responsible with money, the familiy car, etc. They may not realise that smaller chores like watching after livestock while you are gone is indeed a chance to show how responsible and self-sufficient they can be.

Pat

PS. Just read the rest of the answers. 17 years old and can't be responsible? Something is rotten in Denmark. I thought maybe they were 10 or so. I was living on my own at 17. Also, I didn't realize the ducklings died as a result. How can a human being be so "slow" as to not get that one?