Babysitting problem

[All country]

I could use some advice on how to handle this.

I am now watching a neighbors children 1-2 days a week.

A little back ground on the parents.

Parents are recently divorced. After 12 years of marriage, Daddy decided to play around with a coworker. Daddy decided he wanted his freedom to pursue life with his new (also married with children) girlfriend.
He left his wife and kids.

Their Mom was shocked by all of this, but I have never heard her bad mouth her ex-husband. She thinks he has had some sort of mental breakdown and is more concerned for him than anything else. She is also interested in doing what is best for the children. She doesn't think a bitter attitude would do them any good. She is a loving devoted Mom.

When he came here to pick the kids up, he spent the whole time bad mouthing the children's Mommy. This is not good for his kids and mine don't need to hear it either.

Anyway, I am thinking that if this happens again, I send the children to another room and calmly let him know that I have never heard the children's Mom bad mouth him. He is not to talk bad of her while he is on my property. Also let him know that if he is interested in what's good for his kids he will keep all negative comments about their Mom away from the kids. It's not healthy to hear a parent bad mouth the other that way. This is also for my children's sake. They don't need to hear that sort of nonsense.

Do you folks think this would be an OK way to handle it. If not, I'm open to suggestions.

[Zipporah]

Sounds like someone needs to call him on his behavior. Poor children.

[marvella]

stay out of it. you are an employee. your only part in this should be to support the children in understanding that none of it is their fault.

the rest is none of your business. nor ours.

[MorrisonCorner]

I don't agree with marvella.. part of being a professional (or on the job) is promoting a respectful and safe "workplace." In this case the workplace happens to be a home. The "customers" are small children. Just as I'd expect the manager of a coffee shop to tell a customer who was being loud and rude, upsetting other customers, to quiet down or leave... I don't think it is unreasonable to set the tone of the "workplace" in these circumstances either.

Now, it is not her place to tell the man what he should or shouldn't have done, how he should or shouldn't have managed his marriage... but she can establish ground rules for what is and isn't appropriate behavior in her own "office" or, in this case, home.

"Kids... can you go get ready to leave?"

"John.. I can't allow that kind of speach here. I understand you feel the need to vent, but it isn't appropriate to do it when children are present. I can't allow that here."

and then repeat as often as necessary. Broken record.

Part of the problem is cutting someone off who is in full flow and not slowing down. I think physical action helps to cut off the flow. Start moving briskly in the direction of the door, gathering things up as you go, open door, and if necessary, step outside and open the car door. Hopefully they'll just follow you right out without even thinking about it.

You can even end on a pleasant note: "See you next week John." Turn, walk calmly to house, wave to children, close door.

Do a dry run with a sympathetic friend or spouse so you can get the tone and tempo right and do it automatically.

[frazzlehead]

I'm with MorrissonCorner.

I like the attitude of "promoting a safe and healthy workplace" - keeps it all very professional and unemotional.

Good luck with this one!

It's better than my response of "You hormonal jerk. That woman gave you 12 years and beautiful children and you not only can't keep it in your pants but you want to bad mouth her, too? Do you realize that she has NEVER EVER EVER said one bad word about you to me? Makes me wonder who has the poor self esteem and who really knows what TRUE LOVE is. Now, if you want to be a good daddy then you need to shut up around all the kids, keep it in your pants and figure out if you're a real man or a real loser."

Tact has never been my strong suit.

[All country]

This is my home. I don't run a day care.

I am just watching the children for a few months as a favor. They are good kids and we enjoy having them around.

My youngest son is friends with the oldest boy. We know more about situation than we would (or even care to know), because the oldest boy sometime talks to my son. He had always had a close relationship with his Dad and is very hurt by the change in him this past year. My son then comes to me wanting to know if we can help. I have explained to him that we can't change things. He can just continue to be his friend and we can pray for them all.

We try to stay out of things that are none of our business. There is a fine line between gossip and being a friend.

Tonya- I have to confess that a part of me would love to express myself as you put it.

Thing is, it's not my battle and my neighbor has handled herself with dignity though all of this. I know it couldn't have been easy for her. She has really earned my respect. I would hope that if I were to ever have to face such a thing, I would handle myself with as much class and dignity as she has.

[midwsthomestead]

As a babysitter(not a daycare, either), I see your dilemma and I agree with your thoughts of keeping all the kids--his and yours--from hearing his comments.

Maybe try to make pickup smooth, have the kids in their coats, ready near the door, maybe even have YOURS ready to go somewhere if he tends to linger. If that won't work for you, I'd do what you said, send the kids to the other room and simply tell him what you want to say. Keep it short n simple and like a broken record, as someone already suggested. That broken record thing works, it really does.

I'd also find ways to tell the kids how loved they are, give them lots of hugs and maybe read a library book or two together that addresses parent separation/divorce....they need security and you're that right now. I disagree that it's none of your business when you're often in charge of the children's well being AND you're a friend.

~~

[kasilofhome]

And the winner is MORRISCORNER

[Ardie/WI]

Originally Posted by Tonya

It's better than my response of "You hormonal jerk. That woman gave you 12 years and beautiful children and you not only can't keep it in your pants but you want to bad mouth her, too? Do you realize that she has NEVER EVER EVER said one bad word about you to me? Makes me wonder who has the poor self esteem and who really knows what TRUE LOVE is. Now, if you want to be a good daddy then you need to shut up around all the kids, keep it in your pants and figure out if you're a real man or a real loser."

Tact has never been my strong suit.

Mine either!

[wr]

Somewhat along the lines of MorrisonCorner's statement, I would simply tell him the next time he starts bashing mom that it's really hard on the kids when a parent speaks negatively about the other, in the case of divorce there are no winners and the children would like to continue loving both parents equally as parents and they aren't able to grasp the complexities of a divorce. I never spoke badly about my children's father in front of them or behind their back and I had plenty of valid reasons to do so but I felt that if I bashed him to them, it would make me look like a fool and potentially drive them away from me. Even when he pulled really nasty stunts like showing up drunk for visitation, I would simply tell them that dad had a problem that he couldn't control and he still loved them.

[MorrisonCorner]

I'm sympathetic to wr's position, her assumption is that he may not be aware that it is hard on the kids when one parent bashes another. However... I think he's well aware of that and doing it on purpose. I think he is deliberately lashing at the kids and trying to run mom down. Pointing out the obvious only makes you look like you're sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. In fact, I can hear it now:

John, bashing Marie in front of the children only confuses them and makes it difficult for them.

Difficult? Difficult? Do you know what I had to put up with in that woman?!? The kids should know what a horrible person their mother is and how she's warping them...

And what do you say then dear? You've given him the opportunity to come back at you by offering an opinion he can counter.

What you need to do is set your limits in your home.

John, I can't allow that kind of speech here. I understand your need to vent but it isn't appropriate when children are present or might overhear.

Well, you don't know what an awful person Marie is and the kids already know how awful she is...

John, I can't allow that kind of speech in front of the children... I understand you need to vent but you can't do that here.

Intestingly enough, HE will not broken record. He will come up with an example of how awful Marie is and you will broken record again. Do you know what the human mind does? It latches onto patterns. So what the kids will remember is "can't allow" and "not here" and your calm, centered, way of saying it. Their little minds may be aware of John bashing Marie, but what they will focus on is the pattern... the broken record.

Repetition... it's a beautiful thing...

[MarleneS]

All Country - you are on the right track Sounds like you have a friendship with this family, and as a friend you should be able to let him know that it would be appreciated if he would not say harmful or hurtful things about your friend (his to be ex wife) while in your home. That will take care of the the problem for you, and it will keep you in the minding your own business ball park.

If you have a close enough relationship with him, I'm sure he might someday come to appreciate your letting him know that he is causing great harm to his children. If you feel it will do any good, (likely at this time he won't be listening), explain his attempting to correct the guilt he feels over leaving his children should not be an excuse to attempt to explain it by attempting to place all blame on their mother.

Always put the children first and you'll be okay

Hugs
Marlene

[Ardie/WI]

I agree with MarleneS's two posts.

P.S. The father sounds like a jerk!

[WindowOrMirror]

While Tonya intimates that she would keep herself from saying what she's written, I am not certain that I would not let fly with almost exactly that.

[dragonfly65]

You might not be a daycare, but it is YOUR home. We are friends with our closest nieghbors. The husband uses terrible language, but when he is in our home he behaves himself because he knows I don't like it (he also tones it down a bit when we go to their house for same reason). Just let him know you can't have that kind of talk in your home.

You could also reinforce the mom's attributes to their children while you're taking care of them. Tell them how great their mom is for this or that. It certainly couldn't hurt for them to hear positive things about their mom.

[MorrisonCorner]

Ya know.. in this and a lot of other situations.. House Rules. My House, My Rules. Someone pointed out on another thread that in a divorce situation kids can accept and are comfortable with Mom's House Mom's Rules, Dad's House Dad's Rules... and an adult can certainly respect "Your House, Your Rules."

In "our kid's" situation they are not allowed to eat on the living room furniture (in fact they have to stand with their backs against the wall if they want to eat and watch a cartoon, for example) at their mother's house. They're not allowed to eat on the upholstered furniture at their father's place either since it isn't his furniture. At our house? Our rules.. munch away, but you have to defend your plate from the dogs. If it is too hard, go eat at the table.

The kids have got this nailed... they grab their snack and head to the living room (which is where the heat is) and curl up on the couch. Even the little girl has a glare that would curdle milk if a dog noses her plate.

Dad? Dad asks. Every blessed time. "Are you sure it is ok?"

My House, My Rules... but sometimes adults need to be reminded a few times!

[All country]

You have certainly given me some good advice.

I think I will do a little "mental practice" so that I am prepared for when he shows up next Wed.

[electronrider]

I'm sorry mr. X, but I don't feel that your past or present relationship is any of my buisness, nor do I feel it is appropriate for you to tell me these things in the presence of your children. Good day.