Need to vent!
 

Sometimes being a mother is the hardest job I've ever had. Harder than dealing with rude customers as a waitress at Cracker Barrel. Harder than detailing over sized trucks for dirty farmers. Harder than two years of nursing school, night classes, while pregnant. I've always been told to choose my battles when it comes to kids...lead by example, be graceful and patient. But let me assure you, 4 small children under one roof makes it difficult to choose your battles. :p
I have three children, ages 10,9,7. And recently adopted my niece temporarily, who is 4. Some mornings its all I can do to get out of bed with a smile, to break up yet another squealing match. I also homeschool. Enough said there!:confused:
I can guarantee by breakfast I'll have broke up at least two fights over the pink bowl, and who got more brown sugar in the oatmeal. After breakfast I'll continue to play referee over the chores list, who made their beds, and the whole time will hear the phrase, "its not my mess, why should I clean it". Then they'll argue over who has less dirty clothes, who picked up the trash, who did or didn't wash their bowl, who's turn it is to sweep the floor, whose pencil is whose, somebody stuck their tongue out, somebody threw a fit, somebody pushed somebody else......gah!
The day usually continues like this for the majority of it. Grocery store trips are horrendous. A trip for a few things turns into a two hour event all the while the younger two are in and out of the cart like monkeys, and the older two stop every five feet to say,"mom, look at this!!"
Getting ready for church in itself is an Olympic event, hours of reminding them to brush their hair, brush their teeth, put on your socks, change those pants, where's your jacket, where is your Bible, get in the car,......then the fights over who had the front seat and who sits by who...

Oh I love my children.I really do. And aside from the craziness we really do run a tight ship, but ever since my niece came to live us three months ago....it has become chaotic. She comes from an only child background where both parents are involved in drugs and violence. She behaves the only way she knows how and trying to get my children to comprehend this is difficult to say the least. When the chaos settles down after nap time, I breath a sigh of relief...on those lucky days where they all get along without my prompting and threatening, I feel like God has given me a miracle. :o

Its just the hair pulling moments all in between the good ones. Those moments where I think I should maybe padlock them all in separate rooms....that are sound proof....and padded....and then I realize it is I who would like to be in that room:D

Feel free to share your craziness with me. I needed a mommy escape:D

Yep. And then like a flash its over and they're teenagers and you miss the time when they were young.

Try enlisting the help of the older ones at the grocery store. Pick something off the list and ask them to help find it for you. I found that taught my kids a lot about shopping wisely. They learned to look for the best deal not just the flashiest package or the lowest price. They learned how to find ingredients lists and choose the healthiest products. They learned how to weigh veggies, to budget, to make change. Instead of dragging them around because they would rather be anywhere else, they felt part of the process and it was more enjoyable for all of us. Mostly we stuck to a list but if they wanted something that was not on the list, I allowed them to plead their case. Sometimes they did so convincingly and sometimes they didn't but they learned from this that their opinion counts and that I am fair and consistent.

I can cheer you up.. just be glad you didn't have a problem child like me... My parents were always getting calls from the school, having to have me "evaluated" and "counciled" and coming to pick me up at the police station...

I think they are glad I grew out of most of that ;)

Throw the pink bowl in the trash.

Act like a mother instead of a referee.

Sounds like some organization may help.
Get everything ready to go the night before - School stuff & Bibles next to the door, cloths laid out. The kids & I picked out 6 outfits a week & I left the daily choices up to them. Made sure buttons were sewed on, etc. so mornings went smoother. My goal was to have them leave the house happy in the mornings.

I made it my rule (for me) that if they fought, I was not going to get in the middle and play referee. I would be the one that lost so all I'd do is make them take it outside or in a bedroom & after a while, they learned how to work things out for themselves. (Of course, they had guidance on working things out when they were not fighting and would listen)

I think all that arguing over "who has the less dirty clothes" etc is often a bid for attention and a hope that Mom will take my side against their sibling. One kid wins, Mom & the other kid looses.

Sounds like you do have your hands full with the niece - my best to you for taking her into your home.

Oh yes..btdt and still.. :) Mine are 16 and 12. Some days I want to hand them the boxing gloves and send them to the ring! But seriously, some day when they're gone and the house is quiet, you just may long for those days.

:)

I get it... all of it!
I also have 4 kids... ages 22, 20, 10, & 9!! Two boys, two girls and ALL with different ways of approaching life. It's what makes them individuals. It also creates differences, and those differences spark the sibling feuds. You can't fight it, only try to find better ways of managing.

Sounds to me like you are outnumbered and dealing with a huge change in your household! That would certainly be stressful. Your kids will adapt as well, but some may take longer than others. However it plays out, they WILL follow your lead so try to keep calm and organized!

And remember, No One is too old for naps. When all else fails... a 15 minute quiet time/nap for everyone can really save the day! LOL!

Good work. You will not get the most joy and satisfaction until you see how they raise their own. Fun read.

Melmac bowls?

I had a lot of days when my kids were young that didn't go as expected and more often than not, those are the days we all sit back and laugh about now.

Give them love and structure and the rest will fall into place.

Just keep in mind that you are the adult and they are the children. You make the rules.

Thanks for all the great tips and advice. We have a structured daily routine, structured school and chores, structured farm....mostly;) and it all ran smoothly until we brought my niece home. (my hubby was in the army and runs this house like so...unless he's away on business, which is once a week usually...)
We have spent months trying to help her adapt, but she's yet to even budge an ounce. It doesn't help that she has visits once a week and two phone calls with her mom. Mom plays into it and defends her and tells her I'm not her mom, she doesn't have to listen. Once we get her going good, she sees mom and it all collapses again.
The pink bowl....each of my children have a special bowl, and cup. They have since they were babies. So to deal with that we got my Niece her own special bowl and cup....it lost its specialness real quick. She only wants what someone else has, and she's violent. I've tried every parenting trick and advice to get her to calm down, but if its not anger, its sad emotions. She has been through a lot and it shows.
We talked with my kids before we agreed to take her, prayed about it, and we all agreed it would be the best situation. However I seen it wear on the kids after a couple weeks. Its been a long journey, and sometimes I just feel like I'm falling apart, just being so wore out from the constant chaos lately.

Her mother is going through the courts to get her back and we've been told its at least another six months minimum. I love her, and I want the best for her, but if her mother doesn't get it together I may strangle her. My sister, not my niece.

We are doing domestic violence counseling, play dates, prayer groups, etc. I've tried to teach her all the things my children know like how to behave and use manners and help with chores and farm work...but she just isn't giving in. :(
And the longer this goes on, the more my kids act out.

Vent away- everyone on the face of the earth will sympathize.

The domestic violence counseling will help but please remember that any child that needs something like that has been trained from a young age that kind of behavior is normal so it is going to take some time and patience to get it sorted out.

It is very difficult for children to understand why they are separated from a parent, even if the parent isn't a great one and that also contributes to them acting out.

These are all things you likely already know but sometimes adults forget that it takes quite a while for kids to heal and longer if there is contact with their conflicted past. Have patience, be lovingly firm, stay the course and keep doing what you're doing but make sure you help your own kids to understand that the child is not acting out just to be difficult or cause problems for them and she does need their patience badly.

this too shall pass--------- then you deal with the older grown up kids and they are as much of pain in the ass they were as kids but add the wives and husband and grandkids. Best bet is to sell it all buy a boat and live in the middle of the lake!

Have you tried removing her from the situation, and then "ignoring" her? I used to teach karate, and this is the method I used when I had a child acting up in the class. They were told that if they could not follow the rules and participate then they had to go and sit on the floor by them self until they was ready to do so. And no matter how much they acted up, I ignored them. (Of course, I didn't really ignore them, I knew exactly what they were doing the whole time, but they didn't know that!) And they learned very quickly that it was better to follow the rules than to be ignored.

being a parent is hard no matter what age your child is, whether toddler, teenager or adult. Then throw into the mix being a grandma.

I have shared my personal struggles on a few of the ht forums. I did it to vent, rant rave, try to cope and maybe to help someone else.

my DD is an addict, sil is not. He has other issues: controlling, possessive and her trigger. There are 3 kids in the middle, my dgds (1,3,5).
they both go to court on Friday for sentencing stemming from a drug sting.

taking on your niece is wonderful, she needs a safe place. She needs to know she's loved. My dgds lived with us for months, they will be coming back. No matter what, you need to set limits. Children need love, but they also need structure and stability. Also, don't let the situation come between you and your own children or you and your spouse. While taking care of our dgds I bent to my daughter and almost destroyed all that I have.

if addiction has taught me anything, it is that the addict is not the only victim. Everyone who loves or loved him or her becomes a victim. Set rules, boundaries, structure.

I love my DD and always will. I don't like what has happened, but I always love. My dgds are innocent, they really are victims. Counseling is something we are looking into. Kids are resilient but not stupid. They absorb more then we give them credit for. Its not easy for them to be aware from their parent.

vent away, just don't cry in front of the kids. I hope things get better for all of you.

I would talk to the social worker as well. Your sister is making things worse and I don't think you would do this if a stranger was doing her best to interfere and make things harder for everyone. Is your sister actually going to get custody back? She is hurting her daughter, her sister and her nieces and nephew as well. Personally, I would make the decision to do everything I could to help my niece, but I would not hurt my kids in doing it. I would be sure that social services knew what your sister was doing. She does not seem to be a good choice to raise a child, unless things change. Would she prefer her DD go into foster care?

The verdict as of now is reunification. If she can do all the classes and stuff the courts ask. She really just acts like this is her free time and she really doesn't believe she has done anything wrong. She was a meth addict for ten years, the man she had Emma with is twenty years older than her and an addict also. I finally talked her into leaving and moving here, two years ago. She immediately found another man...a registered SO, who beat her and was an alcoholic...of course she married him right away. A few months ago she left him for his Best friend. The new BF is younger than her. He's 21, she's 24. He is an alcoholic and Felon for burglary. She's all in love again. CPS got involved because she had no electricity in the dead of winter, worst winter in years. And she was staying with the new boyfriend in a gutted trailer, no heat, no windows, no appliances or furniture and dragging Emma along with her. It was a party house and she would get drunk and high with his 15yo sister everyday. Emma spent days and nights with the babysitter, a 30 yo man, my sister barely knew. Emma would witness all the abuse and partying. All the courts are requiring is AA and parenting and in three months she has attended five meetings.... When she visits her daughter she stays only an hour and then leaves and spends the whole time on the phone with the new boyfriend. She's so stupid. I really think she could care less about her child. Now she is free to party and sleep in and ---- it up without worrying about her child....not that she really ever worried.

I needed to vent, not because I'm a bad mom or because I'm incapable of dealing with it but because I needed to hear I'm not the only one. I appreciate all the stories and advice and help. Addicts do hurt Everyone around them and while I love my niece to boyrs, and will protect her,I find it very difficult to do so and at the same time be compassionate for the change my kids are experiencing. its a rock and a hard place for sure. I can't make both situations ideal without someone always feeling out of place. My kids are confused and hurt, she is dealing with separation and past neglect, and thank the Lord I have a loving and understanding husband, because my family had walked all over us for years. We helped my brother buy a car which he defaulted on and we had to pay off, we moved him here from California and all he did was use us and leave. We moved my sister here and she screwed us, then we ended up with her kid. My dad, my mom, you name it...they've all hurt us and then tried to separate us. And yet he just keeps helping. This is the last time though. That little girl doesn't deserve what's happened to her. And everyone just acts like this is our job. My sister is required to pay a measly 60$ a month child support, and she has the nerve to tell me I don't need it. Our single income home, with my disabled veteran husband is plenty. I just get so angry I could scream!!! I'd rather help a stranger than my family ever again. :banghead:

Sorry....lol. I get so worked up over these peoples shenanigans.

You need a book called Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud. It will help you and your DH.

I would see if I could get a pro bono lawyer for my niece, or a volunteer the helps the child. We have a program here where the judge can appoint a representative for the child, who looks at the child's best interest. It does not sound like a good situation for your niece to go back to her biological Mom, it will be much better for your kids and your niece not to have to go through this again.

Bless you and your family for trying to help this little girl.

Sorry you are having to go through this. Four kids myself...need I say more.:heh:

One idea..this is just an idea..what if you send your niece to public school. Might give everyone a needed break from each other. You will still be their to love her when she gets home.

I never meant to imply that you were a bad mom. Far from it. Believe me, I've been told that what kind of mom am I. I have 5 adult children, all raised the same, in the same house, honeschooled, sports, music, 4-h, church. Everyone of them turned out different.

family, my family had been trying to destroy dh and me since day one. The first jab...i married outside my race. I'm Irish Italian, he was born in Cuba, his father was born in Spain. My hubs says the only way we survive my family is keeping several states between us. He would also prefer several time zones. He is so tired of helping my family.

our DD gets sentenced tomorrow, she's looking at 20 years, she's 26. Her husband is looking at 5 maximum. My dh is so tired of the whole thing he doesn't plan on going to court tomorrow. As her mom I need to be there.

we have been thru it all with my DD and her husband....cps, parenting classes, rehab, domestic violence, emotional and psychological abuse. My dgds are 1, 3 &5. Nothing like getting a call from cps and being told that I need to pick up the girls from the state police barracks.

our other dgd doesn't understand why her auntie isn't around she wants to know why she can't live at our house like her cousins. Everything is a mess. I'm lucky I'm not bonkers yet.

anytime you really need to let loose, pm me.

at least they ordered her to pay some support, we get by on dh disability. DD and sil receive all sorts of assistance. They have offered nothing.

DD drug of choice is prescription pain pills.

I'm going to look for this book. Thank you for recommending it.

I had twin girls. Yeah that sounds all precious when their little (and they were). You hear all these kum by ya stories of them sharing a private language, etc.
WELL, let me tell ya, mine were rough 'n tumble girls who had to share a room until they moved out. They fought all the time. When they were young, the standard line to "MOM! She's (insert grievance here)" was "Go outside and fight it out! Whoever lives gets to come back inside"
Of course they never actually duked it out, but they knew I was the Mom, not the ref. They eventually learned how to solve their own problems. Good skill for adult life, IMO.

I'm so sorry, that has got to be hard. When I was a teen, my parents took in a foster son. He was 7, and his mom was an addict and in jail. Things would be going really well, then he'd get a phone call from her (I still remember those collect calls from jail), and then his mood would do a total 180. SO frustrating!!

The only bit of advice I can try to offer (since you said it's wearing on your kids too) is try to find a way to get a babysitter for your niece every now and then so you and your DH and kids can have some family time to bond and have a break. It may be difficult to find a way to have her spend some time apart, but it may be really beneficial for your kids. Or possibly try to give her an early bedtime (like 7pm) and have your kids stay up a bit later so you guys can have some family time that way.

:grouphug:

All good ideas, Babysitter, public school, etc...The only issue is when shes away from me we go through this whole "why do my cousins get to do that, and why dont you love me as much" and then we revert back to bed wetting and such....She is really very needy as would be expected and she can not stand for anyone to cuddle with me or hug me. If they do she has to squeeze in or do and say the exact same thing my 6 yr old say and or does. Its quite frustrating. There are those times when i tell her no, go sit down, you dont have to sit right on top of me. Any little emotional upheaval and like i said, she starts wetting the bed again and wakes up screaming and crying in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I will look into finding her an afternoon play date by herself though and see if that helps.

You are DEFINITELY not the only one. Parenting under totally normal circumstances is rough. Some days your padded room sounds real nice. My kids are 8, 5, and 4. When routines change, my life feels like a rat race. Feeling like I've lost control makes the day to day so incredibly emotionally exhausting. The best I can do sometimes is step outside for a minute and find my center so I don't make things worse with my frustration and impatience.

Try to find a little alone time for every one in the family. It really helps my family cope. I'll go to the gym, hubs will go play 9 holes, I'll take the oldest on a walk, the youngest to the park, and let my son have my phone to play a game in my room for a while. My oldest also has a cool-down spot away from younger siblings where she can go read a book or draw a picture when her anger is getting the best of her. I love some of the Orange Rhino's tips for coping, like yelling into the freezer (silly as it sounds, it really helps me feel better, even if my kids think I'm crazy) or drinking a glass of water.

thats what I thought when I read the op. I have 4 kids almost 2- 8 and motherhood and homeschooling IS hard. We give the kids a lot of responsibility and teach the boys how to be a gentleman and responsible for their actions, and the girl how to act like a lady. Alot of times I want to say "Act your Age!" and then I realize that they are! They are kids, but they can be taught- I want them to be people everyone ( and I ) WANT to be around, not tolerate. Something else I do is what I would call "pulling the rug out from under them" that is putting my threats into action and doing what I say I will do - like taking a trash bag( or 2) to their room when they choose to argue over toys instead of cleaning their room. I put everything on the floor into the bags-the only exception is their special blanket or their 1 special doll. They were shocked the first couple of times but the next morning, the oldest said "You know mom, its so much nicer not to have all that stuff - I feel like a weight was taken off me."
And they didnt get that stuff back either, They know that anything that isnt trash will go to the thrift stores for kids that arent as fortunate as them.

I know its hard- if it wasnt, raising kids wouldnt really be worth doing right. Keep at it and dont be afraid to hurt their little feelings or show them some consequences when they need it. They need you to be strong, true to your word, and show them how to be responsible young people.

The program for a lawyer to help your niece for free is called guardian ad litem or GAL. My sister was one in FL for a long time. They act on only the best interest of the child and are a buffer between the court and the child and the parent and the child.

Call your clerk of the court and ask if they have that program. My sister helped so many little ones. Maybe there is that program in your court system also. (WI and IL have it I know.)
Good luck

God bless you for takin' that baby.
My 3 babies are 23,22,20, so same age spread as yours.
Your 3 kids are old enough to understand a lot.
Maybe (without the 4 year old) take the kids to neighborhood (where you're not gonna get shot) or an area when you can see in broad daylight the effects that drugs have on a life / lifestyle.
Take them and show them THAT is what their cousin would be living like.
See if you can tap into their compassion to bring down the squealing!!

Sheww weee, you are a better woman than I.
I did not allow bickering. Ever.
My rule was "unless there is blood or bone sticking out, I don't want to hear about it, work it out".
Today? The kids are great problem solvers.

If they squabbled over a toy in the car, I gave them 1 chance to work it out. If the squabbling continued? I unrolled the window and threw it out.
At home? It went into a green garbage bag marked "good will" AND IT WENT. My kids learned how to work things out.

Fights over special bowls and cups?
Then they get paper until they can knock it off about the plates/cups.
If for no other reason, you gotta draw a line somewhere, and hold the line, for your own sanity!!

That would happen once at my house.
I know I sound like a drill instructor, but it was 100% worth it looking at who my kids are today, and how they handle themselves in this world.

Is there a professional you can reach out to that can help the 4 year old make the adjustment?
Is there anyway you can prove to the courts her mother is a hopeless addict and gain perm. custody?
Sounds like this 4 year old has seen and experienced way too much....poor thing. And your 3 have no idea what she's been thru...and that is hard on them too.
God bless you for what you are doing. You're a good woman.

I have three teenagers and the oldest is Autistic. Your morning sounds like a lot of mine. Your niece needs intensive "training". Her early years are going to follow her the rest of her life and she needs a way to handle that. I would suggest two things, one, the book "Managers of Their Chores" and, (more importantly) tomato staking your niece.

If you aren't familiar with it it goes like this. Your niece is in your sight at all times. If you are doing the dishes, she is next to you, if you are in the bathroom, she is right outside the door. If she's in there, so are you if she gets into stuff. You are there for every interaction she has with your other kids and giving her the tools needed to behave properly. It's a huge pain at first but you will adjust quickly and the benefits are tremendous. After you feel she has a handle on it (could be a week, could be a month) you back off a bit and implement it again as needed.

No, you are not alone! I have custody of my seven year old gs and he is going to destroy my life. He has to have all the attention. He lies and steals. I thought he just needed love and structure when we got him 3 years ago, but he still is a very difficult child to deal with. He enjoys pushing my buttons and when I ignore behavior he says "you don't love me." I know he needs reassurance of being loved but I don't think his idea of love is the same as the rest of us. His parents were drug users and in jail and rehab. I really don't know what he has been through. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone.

I don't want to derail the thread but...

I wanted to thank those of you who have posted about having difficult times with children you have taken in. We have been considering adopting out of foster care, but we can't adopt littles, and I wouldn't bond well with tweens. I've been trying to wrap my mind around fostering littles instead. My fear is in not being able to let them go. After reading this thread I realize that if we are blessed enough to give someone a good start then that's enough. I would love to grow our forever family, and maybe someday we will, but until then, I want to grow our family of good starts. Thank you for helping me see it.

If I could give my 2C I'd recommend taking him to a child psychologist or psychiatrist. If cost is an issue, start with his school..get them to administer tests and go from there. So often these issues get worse as they get older and it's much better to get them help early on.