Need to vent!

Sorry you are having to go through this. Four kids myself...need I say more.

One idea..this is just an idea..what if you send your niece to public school. Might give everyone a needed break from each other. You will still be their to love her when she gets home.

I never meant to imply that you were a bad mom. Far from it. Believe me, I've been told that what kind of mom am I. I have 5 adult children, all raised the same, in the same house, honeschooled, sports, music, 4-h, church. Everyone of them turned out different.

family, my family had been trying to destroy dh and me since day one. The first jab...i married outside my race. I'm Irish Italian, he was born in Cuba, his father was born in Spain. My hubs says the only way we survive my family is keeping several states between us. He would also prefer several time zones. He is so tired of helping my family.

our DD gets sentenced tomorrow, she's looking at 20 years, she's 26. Her husband is looking at 5 maximum. My dh is so tired of the whole thing he doesn't plan on going to court tomorrow. As her mom I need to be there.

we have been thru it all with my DD and her husband....cps, parenting classes, rehab, domestic violence, emotional and psychological abuse. My dgds are 1, 3 &5. Nothing like getting a call from cps and being told that I need to pick up the girls from the state police barracks.

our other dgd doesn't understand why her auntie isn't around she wants to know why she can't live at our house like her cousins. Everything is a mess. I'm lucky I'm not bonkers yet.

anytime you really need to let loose, pm me.

at least they ordered her to pay some support, we get by on dh disability. DD and sil receive all sorts of assistance. They have offered nothing.

DD drug of choice is prescription pain pills.

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Nobody told me there'd be days like these, strange days indeed......john lennon

I'm going to look for this book. Thank you for recommending it.

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Nobody told me there'd be days like these, strange days indeed......john lennon

I had twin girls. Yeah that sounds all precious when their little (and they were). You hear all these kum by ya stories of them sharing a private language, etc.
WELL, let me tell ya, mine were rough 'n tumble girls who had to share a room until they moved out. They fought all the time. When they were young, the standard line to "MOM! She's (insert grievance here)" was "Go outside and fight it out! Whoever lives gets to come back inside"
Of course they never actually duked it out, but they knew I was the Mom, not the ref. They eventually learned how to solve their own problems. Good skill for adult life, IMO.

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Less dollars than sense...

I'm so sorry, that has got to be hard. When I was a teen, my parents took in a foster son. He was 7, and his mom was an addict and in jail. Things would be going really well, then he'd get a phone call from her (I still remember those collect calls from jail), and then his mood would do a total 180. SO frustrating!!

The only bit of advice I can try to offer (since you said it's wearing on your kids too) is try to find a way to get a babysitter for your niece every now and then so you and your DH and kids can have some family time to bond and have a break. It may be difficult to find a way to have her spend some time apart, but it may be really beneficial for your kids. Or possibly try to give her an early bedtime (like 7pm) and have your kids stay up a bit later so you guys can have some family time that way.

All good ideas, Babysitter, public school, etc...The only issue is when shes away from me we go through this whole "why do my cousins get to do that, and why dont you love me as much" and then we revert back to bed wetting and such....She is really very needy as would be expected and she can not stand for anyone to cuddle with me or hug me. If they do she has to squeeze in or do and say the exact same thing my 6 yr old say and or does. Its quite frustrating. There are those times when i tell her no, go sit down, you dont have to sit right on top of me. Any little emotional upheaval and like i said, she starts wetting the bed again and wakes up screaming and crying in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I will look into finding her an afternoon play date by herself though and see if that helps.

You are DEFINITELY not the only one. Parenting under totally normal circumstances is rough. Some days your padded room sounds real nice. My kids are 8, 5, and 4. When routines change, my life feels like a rat race. Feeling like I've lost control makes the day to day so incredibly emotionally exhausting. The best I can do sometimes is step outside for a minute and find my center so I don't make things worse with my frustration and impatience.

Try to find a little alone time for every one in the family. It really helps my family cope. I'll go to the gym, hubs will go play 9 holes, I'll take the oldest on a walk, the youngest to the park, and let my son have my phone to play a game in my room for a while. My oldest also has a cool-down spot away from younger siblings where she can go read a book or draw a picture when her anger is getting the best of her. I love some of the Orange Rhino's tips for coping, like yelling into the freezer (silly as it sounds, it really helps me feel better, even if my kids think I'm crazy) or drinking a glass of water.

thats what I thought when I read the op. I have 4 kids almost 2- 8 and motherhood and homeschooling IS hard. We give the kids a lot of responsibility and teach the boys how to be a gentleman and responsible for their actions, and the girl how to act like a lady. Alot of times I want to say "Act your Age!" and then I realize that they are! They are kids, but they can be taught- I want them to be people everyone ( and I ) WANT to be around, not tolerate. Something else I do is what I would call "pulling the rug out from under them" that is putting my threats into action and doing what I say I will do - like taking a trash bag( or 2) to their room when they choose to argue over toys instead of cleaning their room. I put everything on the floor into the bags-the only exception is their special blanket or their 1 special doll. They were shocked the first couple of times but the next morning, the oldest said "You know mom, its so much nicer not to have all that stuff - I feel like a weight was taken off me."
And they didnt get that stuff back either, They know that anything that isnt trash will go to the thrift stores for kids that arent as fortunate as them.

I know its hard- if it wasnt, raising kids wouldnt really be worth doing right. Keep at it and dont be afraid to hurt their little feelings or show them some consequences when they need it. They need you to be strong, true to your word, and show them how to be responsible young people.

The program for a lawyer to help your niece for free is called guardian ad litem or GAL. My sister was one in FL for a long time. They act on only the best interest of the child and are a buffer between the court and the child and the parent and the child.

Call your clerk of the court and ask if they have that program. My sister helped so many little ones. Maybe there is that program in your court system also. (WI and IL have it I know.)
Good luck

God bless you for takin' that baby.
My 3 babies are 23,22,20, so same age spread as yours.
Your 3 kids are old enough to understand a lot.
Maybe (without the 4 year old) take the kids to neighborhood (where you're not gonna get shot) or an area when you can see in broad daylight the effects that drugs have on a life / lifestyle.
Take them and show them THAT is what their cousin would be living like.
See if you can tap into their compassion to bring down the squealing!!

Sheww weee, you are a better woman than I.
I did not allow bickering. Ever.
My rule was "unless there is blood or bone sticking out, I don't want to hear about it, work it out".
Today? The kids are great problem solvers.

If they squabbled over a toy in the car, I gave them 1 chance to work it out. If the squabbling continued? I unrolled the window and threw it out.
At home? It went into a green garbage bag marked "good will" AND IT WENT. My kids learned how to work things out.

Fights over special bowls and cups?
Then they get paper until they can knock it off about the plates/cups.
If for no other reason, you gotta draw a line somewhere, and hold the line, for your own sanity!!

That would happen once at my house.
I know I sound like a drill instructor, but it was 100% worth it looking at who my kids are today, and how they handle themselves in this world.

Is there a professional you can reach out to that can help the 4 year old make the adjustment?
Is there anyway you can prove to the courts her mother is a hopeless addict and gain perm. custody?
Sounds like this 4 year old has seen and experienced way too much....poor thing. And your 3 have no idea what she's been thru...and that is hard on them too.
God bless you for what you are doing. You're a good woman.

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I am sure of two things: There is a God, and I am not Him.
The movie Rudy

I have three teenagers and the oldest is Autistic. Your morning sounds like a lot of mine. Your niece needs intensive "training". Her early years are going to follow her the rest of her life and she needs a way to handle that. I would suggest two things, one, the book "Managers of Their Chores" and, (more importantly) tomato staking your niece.

If you aren't familiar with it it goes like this. Your niece is in your sight at all times. If you are doing the dishes, she is next to you, if you are in the bathroom, she is right outside the door. If she's in there, so are you if she gets into stuff. You are there for every interaction she has with your other kids and giving her the tools needed to behave properly. It's a huge pain at first but you will adjust quickly and the benefits are tremendous. After you feel she has a handle on it (could be a week, could be a month) you back off a bit and implement it again as needed.

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Follow me on Twitter @BigMx3

No, you are not alone! I have custody of my seven year old gs and he is going to destroy my life. He has to have all the attention. He lies and steals. I thought he just needed love and structure when we got him 3 years ago, but he still is a very difficult child to deal with. He enjoys pushing my buttons and when I ignore behavior he says "you don't love me." I know he needs reassurance of being loved but I don't think his idea of love is the same as the rest of us. His parents were drug users and in jail and rehab. I really don't know what he has been through. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone.

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Karen

I don't want to derail the thread but...

I wanted to thank those of you who have posted about having difficult times with children you have taken in. We have been considering adopting out of foster care, but we can't adopt littles, and I wouldn't bond well with tweens. I've been trying to wrap my mind around fostering littles instead. My fear is in not being able to let them go. After reading this thread I realize that if we are blessed enough to give someone a good start then that's enough. I would love to grow our forever family, and maybe someday we will, but until then, I want to grow our family of good starts. Thank you for helping me see it.

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Follow me on Twitter @BigMx3

If I could give my 2C I'd recommend taking him to a child psychologist or psychiatrist. If cost is an issue, start with his school..get them to administer tests and go from there. So often these issues get worse as they get older and it's much better to get them help early on.