Kids+Money=Trouble

Ask her when she plans on contributing to your retirement fund. Tell her that unless she starts soon, when you get old and cranky you plan on bringing a lover and a big slobbery dog and living with her.

I agree with those who say its time to cut her off but you need to do it lovingly. Doing it cold turkey would be unfair because you have not gotten her ready.

You need to sit down with her and explain she's your child and as a parent one of your jobs is to teach her to be an adult. And just as when she was in school some lessons are more difficult to learn than others. IOW, let her know you are doing it FOR HER.

Then you and her sit down and hash out a WRITTEN agreement then each of you date and sign it. If she's not willing to do they tell her she'll have to learn the hard way because w/o such an agreement there will be zero dollars coming to help. Also demand that there is a 'clause' which allows either side to declare the agreement null and void if the other side defaults. Make sure she understands this means if she fails to live to the agreement the money will stop.

Having it in writing is important. First and foremost it prevents any "that's not what I said" or "we didn't agree to that" arguments/debates. Second it makes her feel like an adult dealing with another adult not a child dealing with her daddy.

Be forewarned, there is a good chance she will rant and rave and 'hate you' for a while. But in the end (may take a few years) the odds are she'll thank you for teaching her.

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Remember, when seconds count. . .
the police are just MINUTES away!

Congress has no power to appropriate this money as an act of charity. Every member upon this floor knows it. . .Davy Crockett

She can't read your mind. If you never made it clear to her before now that because a) she is 21 years old, b) she is thru with school and started on her career, c) she makes enough money to take care of herself if she only managed it better, that you considered her to be raised and on her own. She's just going to keep doing what she has been doing. And, remember it can feel good when Daddy does something for you, makes you feel cared for/protected.

So, it's time to communicate with her. Let her know what your expectations are before you judge her for not living up to them.

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It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with the simple pleasures and to be cheerful and have courage when things go wrong.
Laura Ingalls Wilder

I know someone who is almost 40 and still gets a large handout/up from mom all the time.
money is for her fun and mom is for the bills and the "oops... I spent the tax refund on a vacation" now there is no savings and she has bills due.

my mom can to live with us until she passed and we are helping dh mom so we know she is in a safe house and we can let our kids visit.

somehow we didn't get the memo that they were to pay our way.

You folks are all correct in the assumption that I have failed miserably in communicating with my daughter. This problem is largely tied to the fact that it was easier for me to throw myself into my work to meet her financial needs and cover up the burden of guilt from the divorce.
It's a lot easier to see the forest when the trees aren't in the way. The thought of being taken advantage of by my daughter is making me sick to my stomach!

I don't think she is deliberately taking advantage, it seems she is doing what you have allowed to continue past the time it should have. Sit down and explain things in a loving way and make sure she understands that it is time she is responsible for herself. Things will work our but she may be a bit miffed since she hasn't been prepared in advance.

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Be yourself - no one can tell you that you're doing it wrong!

Hang on.....them's strong words.
If you have always paid, then this is a pattern of behavior.

Example.

You go to the pound and adopt a 10 year old dog.
You bring him home.
ALL of this dogs life, he has peed on carpet.
No one every corrected him.
No one every trained him to go outside.

Just because the dog is 10 years old, does NOT magically make him "trained".
If no one took the time to train him the first 10 years of his life, then he will be no different the next 10 years of his life.

Beating him makes no sense.
Why is he getting beat for something that has bee PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE all his life? Now all the sudden he's getting beat?
What the heck? This makes no sense??

Training is the only thing, that will change him.

People today think 18 is this magic 'adult' number.
No.....it just means that they are legally responsible for themselves.
The 'mature' fairy does not come by and wave her little wand over the 18 year olds head, and WHAMO they magically have the maturity and life experience of a 50 year old.

If you are not in agreement with the pattern of behavior she is showing......you're gonna have to have a sit down with her.
You may get tears.
You may get "waaaa you don't love me"
You may get the manipulation game.
You may get "ok dad!"

If you don't like the pattern of behavior she shows, then you will have to begin training / re-training.

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I am sure of two things: There is a God, and I am not Him.
The movie Rudy

Talk with her, she is just doing what she has always done. Help her as needed until she gets completely on her own 2 feet. Good learning experience for both of you and a good time to become closer and share your outlook on life. She needs to learn to prioritize her needs and wants and budget for them. This behavior does not mean she is a bad person or that you failed. I hope this brings you closer together....James

If Obamacare passes, we won't be allowed to take them off our insurance till they're 27 anyway.

The only advice I have, is what my parents did for me, and what I plan to do for my kids.

My parents took care of me quite a bit. They gave me a car and paid all my expenses - except for clothes & entertainment, which I paid for since I worked PT - while I lived at their home and went to college. When I moved out I still got the car but I had to pay for everything else. But they still helped out from time to time when I got myself in a bind.

BUT . . . it wasn't free money. When I lived at my parents' home I cleaned the house, cooked their meals (mom hated to cook), did the shopping. After I moved out, DH and I would help them with yard work, etc. The last few years of my mom's life, I did all her shopping, took her everywhere, cleaned her condo.

My feeling is that family members should take care of each other. If my kids need money and I am able to give it, I'm giving it. But they need to help me out, too. This works better if they're under my roof, so that's where the regular support must end, when they move out. If they need more help, they need to live with us. And if they live with us, they must be doing household chores.

This should be interesting as I have a 17 year old right on the verge of heading out into the world, going to college. We are in for a bumpy ride as she figures it all out.

Im all for helping out those in need .This includes my neighbor , the bum whom lives under the interstate bridge , the food pantry or even my own kids .... but when they get that entitlement thing going .... I say forget it and ToHellWithThem ....

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....piffy on a rock bun ....

http://www.gofundme.com/AngelBabyNeeds

NSA - The only government agency that actually listens to what you have to say.