comments to mom

Why don't you just say a shortened version of what you posted? I wouldn't say anything about your dad. I really don't see how he has much to do with her behavior. If she's been around him all these years without it affecting her personality I don't think it has a lot to do with what's going on now.

I think I would take her out to eat or do something together you really enjoy and have a heart to heart. I would tell her how much you love her and how much you value your relationship. I would then ask her if you have done anything to hurt her because you sense tension in your relationship. I would kindly tell her that you kind of feel like you have been doing something wrong because she seems displeased with you lately.

If you say something negative about your dad you might come off just as negative as your dad. Also, I think people shut down very quickly if we tell them that they are doing something wrong. It might be easier for your mom to see that she is hurting you if you ask what you're doing something wrong. I know that I have a hard time hearing something when somebody blames me or starts a conversation about what I am doing wrong.

I have found that most of the time hurt feelings and the behavior that causes them cannot be blamed just on the other person. My behavior often has a lot to do with the situation.

Is your mom in pain, facing new health issues, or particularly stressed out about something? Mostly I would tell your mom you love her and want to always be there for her. Self reflection nearly always helps when facing relational difficulties.

I hope things get better quickly.

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Moms don't look at things like normal people.
-----DD

Chewie - your situation is so much a mirror of mine. My mom was the friendliest, loving, do for others person I have ever known until my dad retired. Now she just snips at everything and everything said has a negative comment. My situation is different in the fact that I do live in the same town and they watch my daughter for us until we pick her up after work. Your post sounds so much like me and my mom.

Telling her what is happening if told in the right calm moment, helps but only for a little while. She acknowledges that she has changed and has become more grumpy and that it is my dad rubbing off on her. But I've been watching this happen over the past five years and it's only getting worse. I wish I could say I found the solution, but I haven't and I have tried everything. I've taken her out when I get her to go - she always says dad doesn't like to be alone - or he's afraid to because of his health(he's healthy). When I've gotten her out of the house and away from him, she's a different person after the first 20min. Back to her old self. It's wonderful! If I could take her out maybe once a week it would help a lot, but with work schedule and activities I usually only get to once every so often meaning 1x in 3-4 months. Partially my timeframe, partially her excuses not to go. That is the only thing that has really helped. I've tried to convince her to get an outside job and of course we go back to the excuses.

As for the phone calls, (we talk several times a day) it gets to the point to where I just call her out on it and say something like "when have you ever" or something like that when I know she's making a snotty remark about something she knows nothing about. She will usually take it all as me being spiteful and say something like I guess you're in a bad mood so I'll let you go. I leave it at that and call her back later. It's really upsetting and heartbreaking to deal with especially when we were so close and she has changed so much. There's no positive, only negative. It's gets tiring after awhile. But I love her and would never end our relationship because of it. Family is important to me..Very important.

So I guess I really haven't helped you in how to deal with it. But I wanted to let you know you're not alone. There are others dealing with the same issue. But I think if she loses your contact that would be worse for her and for you. Somehow, we've got to find a way to get her out of it. Would your dad be willing to join a group like a VA group or some other activity group? Mine won't. But if we could get them separate fro just a few hours a week, I really think that would be the solution.

Sadly this sounds like a case of doing unto others. Your Mom seems to be treating people the way that she is being treated. She sounds very unhappy, hurt and possibly depressed.

I honestly don't know what you should do other than be there for her and perhaps get her to talk to you about what she is experiencing. In the end though it will be up to your Mom to change things with your father. I do believe that we teach people how to treat us. She needs to stand up to him and refuse to accept his behaviour.

After my Dad died my Mom got very cranky for a while. She was sad and lonely. She did a lot of criticizing about everyone and everything everytime we talked. It got old very quickly and so I would say to her - Now say something positive and nice about so and so or whatever the situation was. This forced her to not always be negative.

This brings up another thought from this old woman--remember how your Mom always talks about your brothers and sisters to you, when you visit? Used to bug me to death--concentrate on ME, Mom! now--I'm there--its a attempt to keep your family all in the same loop--let each one know how the others are doing. When we get old, we dont always undrstand in the same way you do--just be patient.

__________________
In Life, We Weep at the thought of Death'
Who Knows, Perhaps in Death,
We Weep at the though of Life.

You know...what are the chances you and your mom could meet half-way? Maybe make it an over-nighter, or girls night out? Find an interesting town about mid way between you? If it's too far for her to drive, maybe something on a bus or train route? My daughter and I do this...so do my sister and I. Makes it nicer, and somewhat festive when we get together.

Mon

awww, I bet she is just lonely and feeling miserable. sadly she feels comfortable enough to be gripey to you. it's such a difficult situation, and I love that you don't want to make her feel worse. that said, you still should softly let her know. my MIL is the most adorable woman, but of late she constantly complains about anything. (she listens to crazed talk radio at night. I'd love to steal away her radio!) her aches and pains. it's hard to always remember the fun gal that is still in there. I get her laughing, and I hope that always works. I think she just NEEDS to laugh and be silly with someone. maybe your mom does, too. ((hugs))!!!! you are a sweet daughter.

Joshie is on to something:
"Is your mom in pain, facing new health issues, or particularly stressed out about something?"
A common start to a health or dementia issue can be increased irritability, especially irrational irritation. Reduced blood flow to the brain, underlying infection, etc.

DH retired 7yrs ago. Suddenly there is this man around all the time. and I mean all the time. He has chores to do, and he is a real nice guy. If he were just hanging around all day being obnoxious, that would be so hard to endure. He gets on my nerves, I get on his nerves too I am sure. It is a great idea to take your mom out, give her a break. Encourage her to do something outside of the home, so she does not have to endure that crabby husband 24/7. No wonder she is getting negative.

I've dealt with this with my MIL. DH is an only child, so she has no one else.

DH and I learned long ago that it was best to let her go on and on, and NOT let it affect us. She always has something to say/advice about anything we tell or share with her. Does not matter if it's a done deal, she'll go on and on telling us what we SHOULD have done, or what she would have done differently.

We let her tell us all about what we're doing wrong, what we should do, let ehr complain about our kids (adult grandkids) .

We distract her by asking how she's feeling (she is a hypochondriac) or what she's eaten (loves to talk about food) and usually we don't have to tell her much. The more she talks, the more she thinks we had a wonderful visit.

We simply learned not to take what she says to heart. DH and I can't make her (or FIL) happy, so we don't take responsibility when she complains about things.

Lucky for us, they just moved to Florida (from MN) so now she won't nag us about not coming for a visit because it's a three day trip.

for the last couple days I've just did a switch--if she started being a downer, I switched gears to something else. I get the feeling she needs this--happy conversation about fun things rather than letting her stew in bummer-ville.

mom in no way is getting old enough to have some issues yet, she is *very*active and very involved in church. the woman rides her horses 10 hours a day--after shoeing them. she's very healthy, and has many chruch friends.

but I will still say something if she goes on and on at some point (its coming, I know it!), but only kindly and mostly to help her.

I know from growing up there, dad's really rubbing off. he's so hard to live with. if she's gone when he wants something, he'll start picking when she gets back. if he doesn't like lunch, he'll berate her all afternoon. if anything isn't to his liking, he can turn it into her fault. its her fault he's getting fat. (nothing to do with eating a box of ice cream daily, nooo!) then wear her down all day about it. and this man is NEVER happy, about anything. he has moments and sometimes days that he's ok, sometimes even helpful, but I never trust those, they seem fake to me, like he's setting up to get you off guard. classic bully-abuser.

I think she stays out of fear of unknown. she's no longer young, and I think she's there simply cuz its 'easier'. I feel so sorry for her, not cuz she's stuck there but because she *thinks* she is. dad had a horrible childhood, horrible, and she feels sorry for him for that, and understands why that might 'make' him this way now. that's all dandy; cept to me, that was then, and he's now making choices to be this way, so I don't buy into that. I don't try to make light of it in any way, but its also not an excuse for treating someone so poorly.

chewie,
your attitude about childhood is spot on. Don't use it as an excuse for the rest of your life. Heck if some people knew what happened to me as a chidl they'd wonder why I am not psychotic!

Perhaps you can let her knwo that you are available if she needs to get away. Sometimes people who dont know where to turn take a chance if they know there is a place to lay their head!

My MIL was a very negative person and sadly the only way my DH could admit she was awful was after she died. It has freed him from a lot of ghosts!

I sometimes feel very negative but I try to fix it, its hard to feel good about yourself when someone is always down on you and I think this is where your mum is at so I think your way o f dealing with it might help! She needs sunshine in her life!

__________________
Do not Lead for I will Not Follow
Do not Follow for I shall Not Lead
I am but a Simple Drummer