the SIL...again...sigh..
 

yes, the one that doesn't like us. so..he calls and decides we should come babysit for them this weekend. ok...I love my babies, so normally that wouldn't be a problem at all. except it's been brutal winter this week. hubs has traveled for work, and today he will travel home in a snow storm. he's tired and weary. he needs the weekend to unwind. so we say that to SIL. what does he respond with? MOVIE TIMES in an email. OH PLEASE. going to a movie (no matter how much I love my DD) means nothing to me after a longggg week where I just want my hub home and SAFE.

they don't live close to us AT ALL. GO FIND A SITTER IN YOUR SUBURB FOR A FREAKING MOVIE. sorry...vented that here. lol

my hub travels over 70 miles each way. he needs a break. they want to see a MOVIE....hire a girl in your suburbs. guilt? OH YES.....he's pushing EVERY. FREAKIN. GUILT. button he can. don't care. get a sitter in your neighborhood, dude. we're chilling this weekend.

I NEEDED that vent.

Sounds like he wants a free babysitter. Stick to your guns, if going to the movies is so important, they can hire a teenager to watch the kids.

He sounds like an utter and complete idiot!

Don't get suckered in by this nonsense!

my mantra...'HE IS GOOD TO HER HE IS GOOD TO HER.' otherwise.......he is a blanking pain in my tootie.

tell him about netflix

E-mail him back the movie times at your local theater. Then he can just drop the babies off and pick them up after the movie. someone is making a round trip, let it be them.

What syllable in the word "No" don't you and SIL not understand?

But, he NOT good to you and she is allowing him to disrespect you!

She is just as responsible in this situation as he is!

He is a real piece of work for sure, that snide passive aggressive type behavior is maddening. I'd be real tempted to word my reply to his email like this... Personal Responsibility.

Bounce it right back to him and tell him if he wants to make the 3 o'clock show he needs to have the kids dropped off at your house by 2. Oh, and you have dinner plans at 7, so he needs to pick them up at 6:30 at the latest.

and if you do all the above, be ready to not be babysitter and not have much access to grandchildren.

It can turn on you, just be prepared for what you ultimately want.

I agree he's pushing things. And "No" should be accepted - but from the sounds of it, there may be long range reprecussions of that "No."

no dropping kidlets off at my house, as we are many miles away. my Dd sees him as wonderful and that is what I respect. him...hey...NOT SO MUCH. but I can do that without butting in to their relationship. I don't want DD mad at him. I do want him to take a freaking hike and stop playing mean with me. I'm about ready to bop him up the side of the head when Dd isn't looking. dude..it's a movie you want. to us it's miles driving in snow. want to bop his head so bad..........

I'll never risk losing the grandbabies, but.....I won't be hostage to him either. why won't I lose grandbabies? because he loves us when he wants us. he already lined up a weekend for them to go away. whatever. those babies will always know us. me and him...........TOSS ME A WHISKEY OR SOMETHING....CAUSE I'M FREAKIN NOT LOVING HIS BEHIND AT ALL TODAY.

Tell your DD you'd be happy to have the kids a at your house for a few hours, but her father is too tired to drive.

I used to babysit for the grands a lot--at my house. I only went to their house if someone was sick and they had to go somewhere. Asking you to drive to their house is asking too much, IMO.

Sad to say this isn't always the case. I know someone here in this thread that has great heartbreak over this, and I havent seen my grandson in 4 years thanks to his mother deciding i was not going to see him.

I say it because no matter how rude SIL is to us, the bottom line is they love us for when they want us. babysitting. do I sometimes still not love this..sure..but I'll take it. it means that I don't have to cower to him holding up the babies as hostages for us jumping thru hoops. he can be as stupid as he likes. in the end..........he wants and needs us for a bit of freedom, too. and........the kids want us, so take that SIL. geez..don't you get tired of people that seem to want to play some game or something? I do. I just want to live.

The SIL is displaying a psychopathic behavior of control. DH and I both have been well educated in this type of manipulation. Nothing you do or say will improve the relationship between you and the SIL so drop that worry right now and focus on the more important relationship of you and your grandchildren. You and your husband are your only supports for each other in this. Make certain you keep your communication lines open with each other and that you're both on the "same page" in how you respond to these situations. Try to not take it too personal because the SIL doesn't care about you and most likely never will.

Mamita, I sure wish my Mom was here to give you this advise. She gave it to me and my sisters before anyone had kids. Even though I never had kids, I still knew where she stood on this. So here it goes... If one of us girls had ever tried the ol " My way or you won't get to see the kids" routine, she would have told us to put the kids back where we found them until we could learn why they were here in the first place. My SIL used to do this to her folks anytime she wanted them to do something for her. She got away with it, that is why she did it. I just wanted to walk up and back hand her for being so disrespectful to her folks. Errr. Anyway I guess your story shows that you don't have to be female to try this trick. I pray that things work out for you and DH and your daughter and sil. And if you chose to go and babysit, please be careful on the drive. Blessings!

A long time ago, my DS married and we seemed to get along well. Then along came the babies and DIL started playing games with us. We decided not to participate.

It was very difficult but we just backed away. In my heart I knew that when those babies grew to love us, she would use that love to manipulate us and ultimately the babies would be the ones who got hurt.

We're big people so we can deal with that kind of pain but we couldn't bear to see the kids hurt.

I've said this before on the other thread, but I don't understand the problem. we live hours away. we NEVER, EVER butt in their business. ever. we only offer the same love we've always given our DD. that unconditional love of family. SIL just doesn't like us. I have tried. tried...asked him how I can fix it, cause I love him. no response. I love him. he used to be such fun. I keep going on about it, but it's because I'm so sad and lost. I'm thinking I'm even not worth knowing or caring about. I even decided I shouldn't bother to wake up any more. I hate...hate...hate...that he has me to this, :(

my DD doesn't see it. she loves her husband. say what you will about her, but it isn't about her. some may think it's her job to change things, but....she simply can't. he doesn't like us. he hates me. sigh. I wish he knew a true mother-in-law from heck. I wish he could somehow compare. I wish he knew how much he was loved.

Please be glad that you still have access to your Daughter and grandkids.

Mine have been convinced to discard all of his family and all of hers.
It's been almost 3 years since I've talked/seen her, and 5 for my grandkids.

I know your hurt, but be so glad you still have the Daugher and Grandchildren access.

Sorry Mamita but if the reality is as you portray it and you do not interfere or criticize then you are making excuses or just not wanting to see the reality.

If your daughter 'does not see' what is happening she is either making the choice to ignore deliberately and she is satisfied with the outcome or she sees it and is already in great danger herself because she allows someone else to control her and do something that she disagrees with. There is something unhealthy about SIL.

As for not being able to see the kids. No matter what you do this may be the outcome because you daughter is allowing her husband to treat you to the point of such distress that you don't want to wake up. She is either supporting this or afraid to confront it and either way you could, and probably will, lose access on his whim.

I think you and your husband really need to talk to your daughter (in private) and tell her just how bad this situation is.

What I am trying to say is that if it were me I would be worried about my daughter and grandchildren at his hands. Sometimes it is hard to recognize the signs of developing trouble.

I don't know where I am now. I go between feeling lost forever...and picking myself up. my DD no longer emails me with what I'm used to...the daily dribble of nothing of great value...just fun chat. my very best friend, that is what my DD was to me. now I have nothing. I won't ever moan about it to her. she is happy, and that's huge for me. her husband did damage..silent and constant to two parents that never tried once to be a pain, never..........ever. to the point that other people might wonder if we care. somehow he did his stupid agenda that now makes it hopeless to even talk. I told him.....I love you, please let me fix it. he never replied. I've lost her. I have nothing now.

I'm feeling scarey. I hate having nothing.

You are not alone in this feeling. A few of us understand. I hurt with you!

mamita, please consider getting counseling for yourself if this continues to weigh you down like this. You're going to have to accept that you cannot change this man's behavior. The only thing you can change is your response to him and find your own ways of coping with your grief, because it is real grief.

I wish I didn't, but I know exactly how you feel in this situation.

He is controlling and is alienating her from her family. He may be doing it slowly but he is doing it. Just let your daughter know in private there will always be a place for her and the kids. When the kids get older, let them know if anything strange, weird, scary happens, call me -- I will always come get you.

Again, he is alienating her from her family. He may not be an out-and-out physical abuser, but he is definitely an emotional abuser. Sometimes that is worse than getting slapped around.

Did anyone else think it was odd that sil called and asked her to babysit? That seems like something their own daughter should do. It kinda sounds like a setup so he can now say something negative about Mamita and her husband. The daughter would never call and ask as she knows this is asking too much. Get my drift?

Alienation and the battering of self esteem comes first. It is a long, slow process. It often takes many years to get the spouse to the point that they have NO interaction with previous friends or their family, AND they have reached the point where they feel they are worthless and everything is their fault.

Then come the physical abuse. First, the abuse of the spouse. In the beginning, it is folowed by the "I'm sorrys", and "It will never happen agains". Eventually, those go away, and it is simply, "You made me do it."

Then after the spouse is suitably subjugated, comes the abuse of the children.

mamita, if he is able to do this to *you*, when you are several hundred miles away, and I have seen you blame yourself, and offer whatever it takes to make him happy....and YOU have your friends, and a supportive husband to hold you up...

Just imagine what he is doing to your DD, who lives with that sort of manipulation every single day.

It may LOOK like he is treating her well....abusers are very good at making themselves look like loving, attentive spouses....but if he is doing this to you, then he is doing this to her 100-fold.

Make sure SHE knows that she has a way out, her and the kids. Make sure she knows that you will take them in a protect them, even if she calls at 3 in the morning.

Make sure she knows that YOU know that something ain't right with him....that she has support and it is not just her imagination.

You know, while my first reaction was that here is another codependent mother-child thing, I think CaliannG may be onto something. Perhaps you need to educate your daughter, mamita.

I thought it was beyond strange that SIL asked you to babysit. Why isn't your DD asking you to babysit? My SIL would never ask me to babysit except in an emergency type situation like my DD was in the ER or something like that. My DD is always the one to set up babysitting and get togethers with them....

Sounds like he has "total control" in their relationship. That is scary. I think it is time for a talk with your DD and he doesn't need to know about it. Keep it private. Things aren't right here. He is abusing you and maybe her...

He's a BULLY.

Sagelady, I was thinking the same thing.

If there was a want or need for me to take care of my grandkids, my daughter would call me, e-mail me, whatever. She would be the one to ask, because she is the blood relative.

Just like if my DH wants/needs something of my mother (including information), he'll say, "Could you ask your Mom XYZ?"

And considering how manipulative he is, I wonder if the DD doesn't get THESE kinds of reactions:

"See? I *told* you that your parents don't care about us or the kids! I asked them, very nicely, if they would like the kids for the weekend, thinking they might like to spend time with them, and I got slapped in the face for even suggesting it!"

mamita, you know how you don't bring up these things to your daughter because you don't want to cause a scene? What if there are a ton of things your daughter isn't bringing up to you because she doesn't want to cause a scene?

Please forgive me if I am mistaken but are you not also dealing with neighbors who the husband has supposedly said no to you spending time with the wife? I believe there may have been issues with other people in your life as well. Perhaps you should sit down with your husband and then pray, pray and pray some more for enlightenment on why you seem to have so much conflict with males in your social circle? Are you too loud or abrasive? Perhaps a softer tone and a bit more deferring to the man's place as the head of their household may help repair some of the damage. I hope you find a balance.

Is there a full moon? :shocked:

Something in the water?

:pound:

Good God, this makes me want to vomit......

Give me a bloody break! How can you say such a thing?! Look in the mirror if you want to psychoanalize someone! You wouldn't know this woman if she walked up to you and spit in your face so how can you make such a call???

mamita, take your dd aside and have a chat.....and ingore that woman that posted right above this, that I responded to.....:hrm:

I think mamita could use some links or book recommendations dealing with manipulative abusers so that she can give them to her daughter, to see if she recognizes this as her situation.

The thing to remember is that you are still parenting your daughter. That will never stop, as long as you both live. Even Angie is, in a way. The way you behave influences your children even after they are grown up and married with children of their own, and can help them become better people. Or worse people.

You need to have a chat with your daughter. Tell her you love her and your grandchildren dearly and deeply. Tell her you would move heaven and earth to help them anytime they really needed it and she can always turn to you in times of trouble. But this is not one of those times, and for everyone's sake, she needs to find a nearby babysitter.

After all, what if there was a crisis and she needed a sitter right away--with you living so far away, there would be a delay before you could get there. She needs a list of reliable babysitters as a backup plan if nothing else.

If you come running every time she or your son-in-law call, you are going to make them spoiled and dependent on others for everything. Putting your own rights aside -- important though they are -- think of this from the perspective of helping them to grow up a little bit more.