the SIL...again...sigh..

I think the books are a good idea, but I would also call a local shelter or support group for abused women. They often have classes for new volunteers and it might be a good idea for you to sit in on some.

Your DD may not be abused, although the isolating does make it sound possible. It may be that your SIL is just weird.

I am a Christian. I think there are several people here that use their religion as a club, not a comfort. They don't understand what they don't know, what their preacher is not teaching.
Christ's commandment was to love one another as I have loved you. The twisted thinking and misinterpretation of the Bible hurts other people, but they have to justify their own lives and they do it by stating their version of the Bible as fact. I would ignore them.

To those who are upset or angered by my post, I am sorry, however I am speaking from my heart. When a person has multiple issues with different individuals should they not look at themselves and see if they are not part of the problem? Many men did not like loud or brash women, they do not like gossips and the like. I did not say that she is any of that but perhaps she needs to look into herself with the assistance of the man who loves her and The Creator and see if there is something she can do.

[QUOTE=Hisgoodgirl;6411567]To those who are upset or angered by my post, I am sorry, however I am speaking from my heart. When a person has multiple issues with different individuals should they not look at themselves and see if they are not part of the problem? Many men did not like loud or brash women, they do not like gossips and the like. I did not say that she is any of that but perhaps she needs to look into herself with the assistance of the man who loves her and The Creator and see if there is something she can do.[/QUOT


This your opinion, nothing more. What you feel in your heart does not mean it's correct or based on knowledge or understanding. You have a right to feel what ever you want to, you have no right to make mean assumptions about people you don't even know.

I apologize, but I'm right does not make an apology. One of the rules here is be nice. Your posts were not.

I'll add that I also think it very odd that the SIL is the one making the call. Do you ever talk with just your daughter, or does it always have to be with or through him? It does seem controlling.

That said, I do have one DIL who will insist that my son always make the calls, even to her own parents. There is no problem between her and her parents, she just hates very much to make any phone call.

I'd call and chat with the daughter. If you are not able to do that, there is a problem, in my opinion. And the problem is not you.

Ever notice how the city people always complain and gripe at how far away you live and then turn around and say, "So you should come to me!" as if the distance isn't exactly the same?

And neither would you. It's all wonderful to give people advice, but why is it so bad that she gave a slightly different piece of advice?

We don't know son in law or the man in the other posts either but bfased on what one person typed on the Internet they have been pegged as manipulative and abusing

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the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you, except yourself.

The percentage of women abused is somewhere around 25percent over their lifetime . It is perfectly possible to know more than one abused person. The different advise was based on her interpretion of the Bible, stated as absolute fact. That is a very good way to hurt people, and religion was not what was being discussed. It was not kind and it was IMO very judge mental.

I think the OP has an intuition for reconogizing maniplative passive agressive abusive BS!
Shelly

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It is also entirely possible that when the people around you seem to be the problem, that a person might want to see that maybe, just maybe, the constant in the equation could be the issue.

Are you really and truly SURE your daughter is happy? When I was living with my first husband no one knew how bad our marriage had gotten. We lived in the house with my in laws and even they didn't know we were having problems. Spouses get real good at hiding their unhappiness. You don't know what goes on when you are not around.

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A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

And it is also possible that her daughter may be truly happy. I am absolutely amazed and at how quick some people are to judge a person's character by a forum post on the internet. How quick people are to call the person controlling or abusive. It's all well and good to hear the story, but I think people need to realize there are two sides, not just the one that is told.

I don't believe Mamita ever said any thing except that her SIL was rude at times? Or that she was puzzled by her friends behavior. She got lectured to and other people's interpretation of the Bible was added as law. She certainly didn't, IMO deserve some of the responses she got.

I don't think that as a man, you look at spousal abuse quite like women do, Lazaruss. I would think that the way her husband treats her parents would cause stress if nothing else. He might just be anti social, but there are some classic signs of problems.

Alright Molly, since "as a man" I don't look at spousal abuse quite like women do, I will ask my wife if she would like to take a look at the thread.

edit to add one quick thing - If there is one thing that I have learned being in the medical field about signs, that can be translated to here quite well, it's this. Signs can mean many, many things. Without looking at the totality of the issue, a classic sign can lead someone down a path that is not only horribly wrong, but can be more harmful than helpful, when not treated properly.

Well, it's the son in law emailing, asking them to come a long distance so that he and wife can go to a movie. OP writes back and says can't do it and he turns around and emails the movie schedule. Combine that with OP stating son in law doesn't like her and what part doesn't look like the son in law is controlling? It's not like they have a good relationship, so this sure looks like shananigans on his part.

To the OP, I would tell you to write again and say you can't travel with the winter weather the way it is, that in a month or six weeks you might be able to make it. Or, as others suggested, tell them to come for a week end and see the movie here while you enjoy the grandchildren. IMO you would be better to back off and be a little more aloof to son in law. Begging him to tell you what's wrong is playing into his hands and encouraging him to behave this way. You are coming off as too needy and he may even enjoy jerking your chain.

I hope it works out for you, as you sound like things are miserable now and that's no fun at all. Good luck, and keep your chin up.

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-Northern NYS

Ok.............I dont get this post. Its out of nowhere really, considering your other posts about how happy your daughter is and how you are best friends, etc, then suddenly you "lost her" and "have nothing now" and she no longer emails you , etc. Its completely opposite of your first post here

It makes me wonder what the truth is

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Be loving, show compassion. Create while we're here.
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SG, Mamita has had a heck of a lot of opinions and options and stuff thrown at her in this thread. She is lost in it all, IMHO, and needs time to digest it.

Give her a day or five to think it all through.

Because the OP was posting to vent and ask opinions of why/what the SIL was thinking and how he thought they should just jump to the daughter's assistance....never minding that mamita's husband had had a rough week.

His Good Girl lost that somehow and was quick to ASSUME that mamita was to blame. Maybe she didn't read all the posts like I did (on this thread and the other one that folks got locked down....) and if you or she (His Good Girl) had noticed, mamita hasn't been back online since early yesterday afternoon.... There's more to the situation that you or I will know...and mamita doesn't need that grief added to the situation.

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first, sorry I got a bit too emotional. it just gets to me a little too much sometimes. he sent an email to my hub, which I responded to (hub wasn't home & doesn't even do email). I kept it light, but said we'd just have to decline due to weather conditions. around 7 I was making us a snack, hub out walking dogs, when hub's cell phone rang. it was him. maybe this wouldn't bother some people, but taking it to 'the boss' doesn't work in this house. there's no 'going over my head'. no was...no.

I don't have problem with males. hahaha...I actually get along with them just fine. I'm neither too loud or bossy. however, I am not in another century where men rule me either. if that's bad, well then I'm bad. it's the planet I live on.

thanks for help and just letting me vent. I honestly don't expect everyone I meet to like me, but it's a problem when it's someone in your family. I swear I've gone over a million times anything I might have done, and just haven't found it. as I said, we don't live close for us to ever butt in. I don't call, I don't question, I don't treat him any less than with the love I have for my children.

I've tried talking to DD, and she just gets defensive, so I won't go there again. I don't want her angry with her own husband. I'd never want that.

anyway today I'm picking myself up and forgetting about it.

mamita - sure sounds as if you're doing the very best you can with the situation that exists.

Good luck for a good future with your daughter, sil, and grandchildren.

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