the SIL...again...sigh..

Please be glad that you still have access to your Daughter and grandkids.

Mine have been convinced to discard all of his family and all of hers.
It's been almost 3 years since I've talked/seen her, and 5 for my grandkids.

I know your hurt, but be so glad you still have the Daugher and Grandchildren access.

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"Live your life, and forget your age." Norman Vincent Peale

Sorry Mamita but if the reality is as you portray it and you do not interfere or criticize then you are making excuses or just not wanting to see the reality.

If your daughter 'does not see' what is happening she is either making the choice to ignore deliberately and she is satisfied with the outcome or she sees it and is already in great danger herself because she allows someone else to control her and do something that she disagrees with. There is something unhealthy about SIL.

As for not being able to see the kids. No matter what you do this may be the outcome because you daughter is allowing her husband to treat you to the point of such distress that you don't want to wake up. She is either supporting this or afraid to confront it and either way you could, and probably will, lose access on his whim.

I think you and your husband really need to talk to your daughter (in private) and tell her just how bad this situation is.

What I am trying to say is that if it were me I would be worried about my daughter and grandchildren at his hands. Sometimes it is hard to recognize the signs of developing trouble.

I don't know where I am now. I go between feeling lost forever...and picking myself up. my DD no longer emails me with what I'm used to...the daily dribble of nothing of great value...just fun chat. my very best friend, that is what my DD was to me. now I have nothing. I won't ever moan about it to her. she is happy, and that's huge for me. her husband did damage..silent and constant to two parents that never tried once to be a pain, never..........ever. to the point that other people might wonder if we care. somehow he did his stupid agenda that now makes it hopeless to even talk. I told him.....I love you, please let me fix it. he never replied. I've lost her. I have nothing now.

I'm feeling scarey. I hate having nothing.

You are not alone in this feeling. A few of us understand. I hurt with you!

mamita, please consider getting counseling for yourself if this continues to weigh you down like this. You're going to have to accept that you cannot change this man's behavior. The only thing you can change is your response to him and find your own ways of coping with your grief, because it is real grief.

I wish I didn't, but I know exactly how you feel in this situation.

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There are endless combinations of truth.

He is controlling and is alienating her from her family. He may be doing it slowly but he is doing it. Just let your daughter know in private there will always be a place for her and the kids. When the kids get older, let them know if anything strange, weird, scary happens, call me -- I will always come get you.

Again, he is alienating her from her family. He may not be an out-and-out physical abuser, but he is definitely an emotional abuser. Sometimes that is worse than getting slapped around.

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"You know, life is good." -- Paul Jones 1963-2008

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Did anyone else think it was odd that sil called and asked her to babysit? That seems like something their own daughter should do. It kinda sounds like a setup so he can now say something negative about Mamita and her husband. The daughter would never call and ask as she knows this is asking too much. Get my drift?

Alienation and the battering of self esteem comes first. It is a long, slow process. It often takes many years to get the spouse to the point that they have NO interaction with previous friends or their family, AND they have reached the point where they feel they are worthless and everything is their fault.

Then come the physical abuse. First, the abuse of the spouse. In the beginning, it is folowed by the "I'm sorrys", and "It will never happen agains". Eventually, those go away, and it is simply, "You made me do it."

Then after the spouse is suitably subjugated, comes the abuse of the children.

mamita, if he is able to do this to *you*, when you are several hundred miles away, and I have seen you blame yourself, and offer whatever it takes to make him happy....and YOU have your friends, and a supportive husband to hold you up...

Just imagine what he is doing to your DD, who lives with that sort of manipulation every single day.

It may LOOK like he is treating her well....abusers are very good at making themselves look like loving, attentive spouses....but if he is doing this to you, then he is doing this to her 100-fold.

Make sure SHE knows that she has a way out, her and the kids. Make sure she knows that you will take them in a protect them, even if she calls at 3 in the morning.

Make sure she knows that YOU know that something ain't right with him....that she has support and it is not just her imagination.

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Peace,
Caliann

"First, Show me in the Bible where it says you can save someone's soul by annoying the hell out of them." -- Chuck

You know, while my first reaction was that here is another codependent mother-child thing, I think CaliannG may be onto something. Perhaps you need to educate your daughter, mamita.

I thought it was beyond strange that SIL asked you to babysit. Why isn't your DD asking you to babysit? My SIL would never ask me to babysit except in an emergency type situation like my DD was in the ER or something like that. My DD is always the one to set up babysitting and get togethers with them....

Sounds like he has "total control" in their relationship. That is scary. I think it is time for a talk with your DD and he doesn't need to know about it. Keep it private. Things aren't right here. He is abusing you and maybe her...

He's a BULLY.

Sagelady, I was thinking the same thing.

If there was a want or need for me to take care of my grandkids, my daughter would call me, e-mail me, whatever. She would be the one to ask, because she is the blood relative.

Just like if my DH wants/needs something of my mother (including information), he'll say, "Could you ask your Mom XYZ?"

And considering how manipulative he is, I wonder if the DD doesn't get THESE kinds of reactions:

"See? I *told* you that your parents don't care about us or the kids! I asked them, very nicely, if they would like the kids for the weekend, thinking they might like to spend time with them, and I got slapped in the face for even suggesting it!"

mamita, you know how you don't bring up these things to your daughter because you don't want to cause a scene? What if there are a ton of things your daughter isn't bringing up to you because she doesn't want to cause a scene?

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Peace,
Caliann

"First, Show me in the Bible where it says you can save someone's soul by annoying the hell out of them." -- Chuck

Please forgive me if I am mistaken but are you not also dealing with neighbors who the husband has supposedly said no to you spending time with the wife? I believe there may have been issues with other people in your life as well. Perhaps you should sit down with your husband and then pray, pray and pray some more for enlightenment on why you seem to have so much conflict with males in your social circle? Are you too loud or abrasive? Perhaps a softer tone and a bit more deferring to the man's place as the head of their household may help repair some of the damage. I hope you find a balance.

Is there a full moon?

Something in the water?

Good God, this makes me want to vomit......

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My Dad always told me, "Honey, you can do anything you put your mind to." He was right.

Give me a bloody break! How can you say such a thing?! Look in the mirror if you want to psychoanalize someone! You wouldn't know this woman if she walked up to you and spit in your face so how can you make such a call???

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mamita, take your dd aside and have a chat.....and ingore that woman that posted right above this, that I responded to.....

__________________
Be a fountain, not a drain!

^()^
http://tubbsfarmstead.com/

I think mamita could use some links or book recommendations dealing with manipulative abusers so that she can give them to her daughter, to see if she recognizes this as her situation.

The thing to remember is that you are still parenting your daughter. That will never stop, as long as you both live. Even Angie is, in a way. The way you behave influences your children even after they are grown up and married with children of their own, and can help them become better people. Or worse people.

You need to have a chat with your daughter. Tell her you love her and your grandchildren dearly and deeply. Tell her you would move heaven and earth to help them anytime they really needed it and she can always turn to you in times of trouble. But this is not one of those times, and for everyone's sake, she needs to find a nearby babysitter.

After all, what if there was a crisis and she needed a sitter right away--with you living so far away, there would be a delay before you could get there. She needs a list of reliable babysitters as a backup plan if nothing else.

If you come running every time she or your son-in-law call, you are going to make them spoiled and dependent on others for everything. Putting your own rights aside -- important though they are -- think of this from the perspective of helping them to grow up a little bit more.