Need help processing thoughts before big decision

CaliannG · #21 10/07/12, 09:47 PM

I do not remember what my mother did when I was four or five years old. Oh, I have flashes...like her putting my sandals on our puppy because I didn't want to wear them, or the dress that she made for me out of the same fabric as the dress she made for herself. Little glimpses...but day to day life?

But I remember *distinctly* the day she told me that my father was no longer with us (just two months after my grandmother passed away.) I remember the months of her crying late at night, thinking I was asleep, and asking herself how she was going to pay the bills.

I remember how much she struggled, working as a waitress during the day, taking classes at night, studying on the weekends, and her lament that her mind was no longer fresh and young, where she could easily absorb what she was trying to learn. I remember her always being exhausted.

I stopped asking for anything. It was heartbreaking to see the look of pain come across her face when she said, "I'm sorry honey, we just can't afford it." These were little things, like a once-a-week, 50 cent candy treat. Not designer jeans or anything like that.

I knew that she was going through all of this work and struggle for *me*, to make a life for *me*, and I constantly felt guilty over it.

I wasn't old enough to have strong memories of the times, when I was little, that she was there for me constantly. Recently, she and I went back to the town where I was born, and she pointed out this and that to me. "There is the park where I used to take you. Do you remember that merry-go-round? You loved that merry-go-round. You'd always say, "Mommy faster, please?"

I didn't remember. I remember the pony at the fair. I remember the puppy, the sandals. I remember my favorite doll. But only little pieces.

But I remember very, very clearly, since I was older, the determination, the desperation, the exhaustion, that my mother went through when she had to bring me up by herself. I remember the sacrifices she made. And to this day, I wish I could go back in time and tell her, "Please, spare us both the heartache, and go to school while I won't remember."

Today, my mother is retired, living comfortably. She put in her 28 years as a career woman.

But if she had gotten the education that she needed for that career when I was little, then I would have had a lot more of her time later, when I truly needed her guidance and wisdom. My life, and her life, would have been much different in what I feel would have been positive ways.

Your path and your life are your own, and only you can judge what is best for your path. I simply share my own story.

CesumPec · #22 10/07/12, 09:57 PM

Kids are first priority but there are lots of good reasons besides added income for having a nursing education. I like the idea above about part time schooling and then part time work after. One day your kids will be grown and gone and you'll be happy to have a rewarding career. Most places I've seen, you can part time nurse and pick odd hours so that ou are at home with your kids when it matters most.

But, at least IMO, if you can't figure out how to do this and raise the kids as you desire, then wait till they are older to get your LPN. Putting it off till later doesn't mean you are removing that option in the future.

txplowgirl · #23 10/07/12, 09:57 PM

I waited until my son was in first grade before I looked for a part time job where I could take him to school and be home when he got home. I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

fordy · #24 10/07/12, 10:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaliannG

I do not remember what my mother did when I was four or five years old. Oh, I have flashes...like her putting my sandals on our puppy because I didn't want to wear them, or the dress that she made for me out of the same fabric as the dress she made for herself. Little glimpses...but day to day life?

But I remember *distinctly* the day she told me that my father was no longer with us (just two months after my grandmother passed away.) I remember the months of her crying late at night, thinking I was asleep, and asking herself how she was going to pay the bills.

I remember how much she struggled, working as a waitress during the day, taking classes at night, studying on the weekends, and her lament that her mind was no longer fresh and young, where she could easily absorb what she was trying to learn. I remember her always being exhausted.

I stopped asking for anything. It was heartbreaking to see the look of pain come across her face when she said, "I'm sorry honey, we just can't afford it." These were little things, like a once-a-week, 50 cent candy treat. Not designer jeans or anything like that.

I knew that she was going through all of this work and struggle for *me*, to make a life for *me*, and I constantly felt guilty over it.

I wasn't old enough to have strong memories of the times, when I was little, that she was there for me constantly. Recently, she and I went back to the town where I was born, and she pointed out this and that to me. "There is the park where I used to take you. Do you remember that merry-go-round? You loved that merry-go-round. You'd always say, "Mommy faster, please?"

I didn't remember. I remember the pony at the fair. I remember the puppy, the sandals. I remember my favorite doll. But only little pieces.

But I remember very, very clearly, since I was older, the determination, the desperation, the exhaustion, that my mother went through when she had to bring me up by herself. I remember the sacrifices she made. And to this day, I wish I could go back in time and tell her, "Please, spare us both the heartache, and go to school while I won't remember."

Today, my mother is retired, living comfortably. She put in her 28 years as a career woman.

But if she had gotten the education that she needed for that career when I was little, then I would have had a lot more of her time later, when I truly needed her guidance and wisdom. My life, and her life, would have been much different in what I feel would have been positive ways.

Your path and your life are your own, and only you can judge what is best for your path. I simply share my own story.

...............Your mother sounds a very kind and loving person . I hope you'll share many years together ! , fordy

hintonlady · #25 10/07/12, 10:01 PM

The classes are full time all week long. Childcare would fall mostly on my Mom, who is willing but is easily worn out due to health reasons. She is great with the kids and enjoys them a lot but I can see her getting burnt out and I would hate to impose. The other option is daycare, I haven't even tried to wrap my head around it, not to mention the expense.

I am going to search around for a slower, part time option. That would be the best of both worlds if I can find anything like it in the area. That I would jump at in a heartbeat. I wish wish wish I could do that...

Due to the distance of some of the clinical sites I would have several 3:30 or 4 a.m. wake up times. While I realize that most people do that and survive, it is difficult for me. Due to my depression/anxiety I get stressed easily, stress makes me very tired, even mid day. When I'm stressed/tired and have to wake up early I get panic attacks. It's a vicious cycle and I have not been able to solve it through treatment. Undertaking a year of a new routine would be pretty taxing for me. I can do it, I have no doubt but it would be much more of a challenge than it is for an average person. Unless you have experienced it yourself it is impossible to explain. Most average people roll their eyes and think I'm a whiner. If I could "snap out of it" I would, believe me.

I do agree that a back up plan for just in case situations is very very important. I need to put a lot of thought into that. For the time being, if dh were unable to work we have enough farm equipment and misc. things that we could auction to sustain us for 2 years. Not a great solution but a start. Dh also has misc. insurance that should set us up, not even accounting for social security. (lets not get into a social security/political debate, please.)

Anyway, sorry for the TMI, I know a few people grit their teeth over that (instead of skipping my posts)

It's just so hard to give people a clear picture of a situation when they aren't there.

I appreciate the feedback very much. The goofy thing is that both sides are very convincing so I'm not any closer to making up my mind. lol However, I have been given a lot more to consider before I do decide.

willow_girl · #26 10/07/12, 10:01 PM

Quote:

My family is fed sheltered and safe. That isn't even a consideration at this point. My dh's business is a WANT not a NEED, our lives will be comfortable regardless. He is a highly trained professional in a couple symbiotic fields in a very underserved market with skyrocketing demand. His income will survive any fallout outside of complete collapse. Ultimately, my future training is about helping dh reach a dream, not about survival. So, it's really a choice between my dh's dream or my dd's upbringing.

I think this is a decision you need to make with your husband ... not unilaterally.

Is he unhappy in his present job? Will he feel resentment if you choose to stay home instead of working to support his dream? Resentment will kill a relationship faster than anything.

IMO, you need to sit down together and plot a course for the future that is acceptable to both of you. Maybe a compromise is in order -- for instance, maybe you could wait until the kids are in school before starting school yourself?

GrannyG · #27 10/07/12, 10:18 PM

Work shifts around here are 12 hour shifts....not eight.. I missed out on many of my kids high school specials...and many times, you are played the guilt card, you are trained, these little people need you, you have to stay and work a couple extra hours...on and on..you are torn between family and those in need of care...one plus is that if your kids or hubby get sick, you will be right there will bells on...you have to make the decision for you and your family...and education is a must now....

starlady · #28 10/07/12, 10:18 PM

FYI, if you have official diagnoses for your depression and anxiety you should definitely contact your school's Office of Student Disability Services for information on what they can do to accommodate you. There may be more options with respect to length of the program, numbers of classes required for fulltime status, etc. for you if the full program would tax your endurance beyond its limit. They may, for example, allow you to take only half the number of courses per semester but retain fulltime status (very useful for financial aid), allow you to take some of the general courses online, provide notice to your instructors that you have a disability (they don't tell the professor what you have, just that you need specific accommodations), etc. Accommodations vary from school to school but all institutions are required to comply with the ADA and provide reasonable adjustments for students with ANY disability (which includes mental illness). HTH.

hintonlady · #29 10/07/12, 10:32 PM

Just looked at the state nursing website for all the lpn programs within reasonable driving distance. None of them offer part time. *sniff sniff*

Another thing I can do is work on a couple prerequisites I need for the RN program. While I realize it is putting the cart before the horse, I can do half of them online. (only need a handful) I have done online before so know what to expect.

Here's another thought. I need to look into alternate job ideas. Nursing made sense because I have done a lot of personal aide jobs and the money is good. I'm not sure it would be rewarding though. Never even considered my job satisfaction.

Any ideas about other reasonable job training/education that can sustain a family? Nursing is like the one choice I can't do 100% online with the local college. *sigh* I'd like to consider other PRACTICAL ideas that I could do school from home. That would be perfect, have my cake and eat it too. : ) My local college has a wealth of online courses.

I am great with photography and decent with web design. Is there any real potential with that in this market if I get proper training?

Maybe a home business...that would take a lot of thought. I'd have to bake a lot of goodies and iron a ton of laundry to make a living. lol

I knew I posted here for a reason. Bouncing ideas around is helping get the rusty gears going in my thinker.

Shygal · #30 10/07/12, 10:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hintonlady

Due to the distance of some of the clinical sites I would have several 3:30 or 4 a.m. wake up times. While I realize that most people do that and survive, it is difficult for me. Due to my depression/anxiety I get stressed easily, stress makes me very tired, even mid day. When I'm stressed/tired and have to wake up early I get panic attacks. It's a vicious cycle and I have not been able to solve it through treatment. Undertaking a year of a new routine would be pretty taxing for me. I can do it, I have no doubt but it would be much more of a challenge than it is for an average person. Unless you have experienced it yourself it is impossible to explain. Most average people roll their eyes and think I'm a whiner. If I could "snap out of it" I would, believe me.

Ok, I am not being snarky here at all, but with this above, maybe nursing is not the career for you. You have to be up at all hours, work all kinds of shifts, including christmas , thanksgiving, birthdays, etc.

Classes are one year and you are worried about it, nursing is a career of a new routine, its very stressful and things change in it hourly. You also have to deal with difficult families, families that have a loved one dying or extremely ill, and sometimes those patients are young, too young to be dying.

Your schedule will be different all the time, you may end up working night shifts, evening shifts. You will be having change every day at work, different patients, different family members.

You WILL be stressed/tired. That is an absolute. And I have a history of panic attacks, so I know what you mean. I have had to fight hard to get over them, and I haven't had one in a long time.
You won't get your breaks or lunch on time, if you even get them. Sometimes you aren't even able to stop to pee. I read that nurses have the highest incidences of UTIs due to the fact they are unable to have time to void during work.

And you do get attached, no matter how hard you try. You will cry and grieve. When the 30 year old woman with young children is dying of breast cancer, you cant help but be affected, seeing the family, the children that don't understand what is wrong with mommy, the husband losing his wife and facing a future with young children alone.

Nursing is stressful and hard, if you are willing to do all this, it is a very rewarding career. Its not all a rosy picture though.
And all this being said, I would not change my being a nurse, for anything.

Molly Mckee · #31 10/07/12, 10:47 PM

Remember that going to school is going to mean homework as well as class work. A long commute, clinical rotations, and study time is not going to leave much for family time. The LPN to RN programs that I am familiar with require a certain amount of current experience and working as a LPN while going to school for your RN. Be sure you know what the requirements are before you start the journey.

Only you and your DH can decide what is best for your family. Education is always good, but your kids are only little once. I choose to stay home, but I am an RN, and worked when my kids were older. Even then I only worked part time.

CaliannG · #32 10/07/12, 11:34 PM

I would not attempt to try to get into web design at this stage of the game. Everyone and their second cousin's, third wife's dog had a web design business going. And the pay isn't that great.

HOWEVER, there are LOTS of opportunities in IT that are sustainable and that you could take online courses for....not only that, but some companies allow telecommuting as well, so you could work AND be home with your kids.

I would recommend programming first and foremost. Database programming, Cisco programming, etc. If it is honest-to-goodness writing of actual code, it pays good money. AND you could turn it into your own business later, if you wanted to. Working directly for your clients instead of working for a boss. My BIL does that, and it CAN be a feel-good career. My BIL did the mega-analysis and helped design the software that helps diagnose and treat breast cancer in hospitals across the country.

There are so many rewarding career choices that people often overlook. An entire TEAM of biologists worked on the Mars Rover, Curiosity, that is now toodling around on the Red Planet. Imagine having your work being instrumental in our understanding of other planets?

Even in the medical field, there are other options besides nursing. Lab techs and radiology techs make excellent money, and they do not deal with the same hours and stress that care-giving nurses have to deal with.

There are many, many rewarding career paths out there...you simply have to open your mind to them.

Stiffchick · #33 10/07/12, 11:39 PM

If you like the health care field, there is a community college (cheap) here in AZ that offeres a 2year AS in Health information Technology. Basicaly, you will come out certified in billing codeing, transcription, data entry and something else and have the AAS degree to put you ahead of people just getting certificats. Its called Central Arizona College, its in Pinal county. The whole degree is all online! and im not sure about out of state tuition costs, but instate fees are less than $70 a credit hour. (thats cheap compared to where im was from, NY) Maybe a college around you offeres a similar degree all online?? The possibilities are endless!! I understand about being overwhelmed by what most consider easy. I would be the last person to tell someone else to "pull up your boot straps" I know somedays the boot straps seem to be covered in grease lol.

Shygal · #34 10/07/12, 11:43 PM

The problem with medical transcription is its slowly being phased out due to the electronic medical records that all hospitals have to get by a certain year. The doctors wont be dictating anymore.

KnowOneSpecial · #35 10/08/12, 12:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hintonlady

Due to my depression/anxiety I get stressed easily, stress makes me very tired, even mid day. When I'm stressed/tired and have to wake up early I get panic attacks. It's a vicious cycle and I have not been able to solve it through treatment. Undertaking a year of a new routine would be pretty taxing for me. I can do it, I have no doubt but it would be much more of a challenge than it is for an average person. Unless you have experienced it yourself it is impossible to explain. Most average people roll their eyes and think I'm a whiner. If I could "snap out of it" I would, believe me..

This is sending up huge red flags for me.

My Aunt was a nurse for years and my SIL is a nurse. From what they've talked about (and from stuff they can't talk about due to emotional ties) it's a very stressful job. In fact, working in a trauma center drove my SIL to drinking. For her it was the only way she could relax and 'forget it all for a while'.

talk to a lot of nurses and see if this stress is something you can handle before you put the time, effort and money into it.

mrstillery09 · #36 10/08/12, 12:46 AM

I didn't read all the responses so I apologize if someone has said something similar to what I'm going to say!

This is definitely a hard decision to make, so I don't envy your position. It's always great to have a back up plan, (i.e. the training for a stable career) in case something happened to your husband. Ultimately it's kind of in God's hands and requires a lot of faith and trust that everything will be ok and he's in control.

I was recently reminded that being a homemaker and a mother is a job that is eternal. When you get to heaven you won't have a job, money, or any other possessions, but you'll have your family.

Just something to think of! I do believe in your heart you already know what to do, and I wish you the best with the decision you make!

SageLady · #37 10/08/12, 03:04 AM

The time you have with your little ones is the most important time. I think your heart and head will tell you what to do. I had a similar dilemma 36 years ago - I chose to be a SAHM. I was with my kids 24/7 and I have no regrets because I didn't miss out on one moment of their childhoods....I went back to school and furthered my career when they were grown.

SFM in KY · #38 10/08/12, 06:38 AM

One thing to keep in mind with any decision is that life does not always take the path you expect. My mother was a teacher before she was married. She married fairly late (27) and my father had a good, stable job as a hard rock miner. They had one child (me) and she quit work to stay home with me.

Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned. My father was diagnosed with tuberculosis, was hospitalized for almost 18 months and unable to work for a time after he was released from the hospital. If my mother had not had a degree and been able to return to work as a teacher, they would have had even more serious problems.

As I said before, only you and your husband can decide what is best in your specific situation but because of my background, I would tend to lean in the direction of getting the training, even if you do not work full time. Think of it more as an 'insurance policy' in the event of a disaster than something you are doing so you can go to work now.

fffarmergirl · #39 10/08/12, 07:05 AM

When you're alone in your thoughts, how much time do you spend remembering your childhood? If you're like most people, your childhood is a huge part of who you are today. Your kids are reaching the most influential time period of their entire lives right now. So - how do you want them to be influenced? What is their time with their grandmother like? What kind of person is she? Do you want her to be a big part of who they are? There's nothing wrong with that. My grandmother is a very big part of who I am.

It's a hard decision - if the only option was daycare with a stranger, it would be an easy decision.

If you are an organized and disciplined person, you can have plenty of time with them, giving them your full attention, while also going to school 40 hrs per week.

Nursing is an honorable profession. I would not trade it for anything. I also would not trade my son for anything. I went to school when he was little. He and I are very close and he has a nurse mother now, and I'll be able to help him out in a lot of ways. I'm helping him put a deposit on his new apartment next week. He comes to me when he has injuries (which happens a lot, because he's a welder). I enjoy taking him and his fiance out to dinner once in a while. I couldn't do that without my profession.

Do you think you would enjoy being a nurse?

I recommend praying about it. Ask God to tell you what to do, and your decision will be easier.

Laura Zone 5 · #40 10/08/12, 08:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hintonlady

I am generally indecisive and am faced with what feels like a major life crossroad. I have been thinking too much and am too emotionally close to the situation to be objective. I want people to share their opinions to help me finish sorting my thoughts out, to maybe see it from another point of view.

Brief history of situation:

I have been blessed to be able to be a stay at home Mom. Occasionally family may baby-sit but my dd’s ages almost 2 and 3 ½ have never been under anyone else’s care outside of family. My deepest wish is to focus on my girls and either home school them or send them to parochial. For us, public school isn’t an option though I am not against public schools.

I am grateful that dh has a stable job with comfortable income. I just finished nurses aide training. I also just got a part time job doing something I will enjoy. I will be making $10 and hour, decent in my area. I had hoped to use the money to help pay down debts so dh can move forward with his business idea. Then I will be able to work full time in a pinch if he has a dry spell as the business starts up.

During my 9 week training I missed my family and have felt sort of drained and not at my best with them. I feel as if they have been neglected due to my schedule. I noticed that my youngest has been sort of indifferent of me and that our relationship has shifted some. Maybe it’s her age but the timing makes me wonder.

My pressing decision:

I have the opportunity to enter LPN training next summer and I can likely get it covered by some local scholarships. There is a need for LPN’s in our area. It is an 11 month program after which my salary will go up $5 and hour, from $10 to $15. With an LPN I can get easier access to a very competitive nursing program. I would bridge over and finish with 10 months rather than the standard 2 year. Basically faster to do LPN then RN than to do straight RN. (???) At that point my pay would go up another $10 and hour for a total of $25 an hour which would be fine by me.

Here is where I get lost:

Pros:
*Nice salary would certainly help transition dh from his less than ideal job into his business, although we can possibly squeak by without it.
*Having a trade/career, ‘nuff said.
*Hurry up and finish school sooner than later and be done to homeschool by the time the girls are in the early grades.
*Financial stability even if dh isn’t working. (he is a skilled technical worker who has no trouble getting work, if that matters, he is almost recession proof)
*Dh’s employer is a piece of work. If he gets wind of his business plans he may get immediately canned, without real justified cause. This could happen tomorrow, next year or never. Hard to say… If I am more employable it would sustain us.
*Never finished my schooling while with the ex, here is my chance.

Cons:
*I hate to compromise on my values of being a stay at home Mom and home educator. I will be missing, at a minimum, pre-school and kindergarten learning. To me this is a great loss.
*I am afraid to lose some of the closeness I have with my daughters. I fear this will change things for us as a unit. This idea is horrifying to me.
*I have some issues with depression and anxiety. It is all under control but if I was feeling pressure from a 9 week program a year program will take some getting used to.
*May or may not have time to complete one or both nurse programs depending on timing of dh’s business. Likewise, if dh’s boss acts like a meanie I may have to work full time and drop out of school (something that we have no way to predict)

So, there you have it. I am a mess. Please give me your thoughts.

Thanks

What does your dh say?
Is he pushing / encouraging you to go to school?
What would happen if aliens abducted your dh RIGHT NOW? Could you take care of your family? Meaning, could you put food on the table / roof over the heads, etc.

*My personal experience*
I had 3 kids in 4 years.
I worked nights as a server / bartender. Dh worked days.
I had a love hate relationship with my job.
I loved the positive reinforcement / affirmation that it gave me.
I loved the extra cash.
I hated being away from my kids.
I hated not being able to cook dinner for them every night etc.
I did end up home schooling them (grades 4, 6 and 7 to graduation)
For 23 years I gave ALL of me to them and dh.
Last year I was smacked dead between the eyes with the very distinct possibility of being "on my own" (w/the kids) .
That, was horrifying.
It has been a year, and a very rough one.......but I signed up for classes at my local community college. Got a big fat grant, so by golly I'm gonna make good use of it.
My kids are grown (22,21,18)......and now is the right time for me to start investing, IN ME!
Do I regret not going sooner? No.
I will NEVER EVER regret investing 100% of me, into my kids.
They are AMAZING people today, and our relationship is beyond amazing.
I could have never had that if I would have put them in school 8hours a day/5 days a week.
I could have never had that if I would have been working pt/and going to school.
I could have never had that if I would have done things any different.
Am I behind the 8 ball today? (My age, my lack of education)
Maybe.
But this old broad likes a good challenge!!