Dysfunctional VS functional family?

Pony · #21 09/12/11, 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kshobbit

I have learned to embrace my dysfunctionality and live with it. Nothing in my life was ever close to normal. There are those around me now that view my clinging to the old homestead values and raising my own food as pretty darn weird. I have been called a "free spirit" and a "loner" and a of all things, "Mother Earth Person". I kind of like the last one tho..

My kids call us "hippies" - but it's with love and admiration.

The Family Of Origin (FOO) on my side probably thinks I'm nuts (except for my brother). I don't care. They're a real sick crew, and they prove the statement that misery loves miserable company. Don't have time for that.

Like Caitedid points out, sometimes, people leave you no choice but to drop the bat and ball and walk away. Why play their stupid game?

ginnie5 · #22 09/12/11, 08:26 AM

some of you described my family! I think we wrote the book on dysfunctional. But I married a man that came from a functional family and I had a strong desire to NOT live like my parents had. You could kind of say it has been a driving force in my life. We have cut off contact with my mother. My father was more than happy to get away from her even if it did mean abandoning us kids. The venom that can spill from that woman's mouth is awful. I refuse to pass that on to my children. The cycle stops here. I have no doubt that my mother loves us but its a love that is self centerd. She has to be the center of attention and when she is not...well someone will sure suffer the effects of her venom. I cannot tell you the number of times I have caught myself about to say something to someone only to stop and wonder what she would say in that situation......if it is anything close to what I was going to say I rethink it. So I surround myself with people that can function, people that know how to love and I go forward. Yes I love my mother but I also accept that she will probably never change. My kids will never get to experience having a grandmother that does things with them....like baking cookies or sewing or just talking with them. That part bugs me the most. I loved my Grannie to pieces. She was stability growing up and the one I learned from. How in the world she birthed my mother I will never understand! I hate that my kids miss out on that. Dh's mom is too far away for them to frequently be with her too. So I'm raising my kids as "functional" as I possibly can and looking forward to the day I get to be the "Grannie" to some little ones.

Tricky Grama · #23 09/12/11, 10:00 AM

Prolly would've had a 'functional' family but my dad was killed by a car when I was 2 so my mom & I went to live w/her parents. Great G"ma was already there. G'pa died when I was 8. Sooo...that leaves 4 generations of women!

Have to say, I never felt deprived, even tho we were certainly not well off. Had to do chores like other normal kids, just didn't have a dad. This did not become 'real' to me til I was married w/kids & saw what I'd missed.

But would not consider us 'dysfuncional', I guess b/c there's no 'infighting'? No: "not speaking for years"? Never understood what that kind of thing was all about in families.

Kshobbit · #24 09/12/11, 10:15 AM

Grandmotherbear..I think you need a (((((((((HUG))))))) My maternal Grandmother was a lot like your Mother. She never had a kind word to say about anyone but really seemed to dislike her daughters and granddaughters.
I learned to go hug my Mother and tell her I loved her as her Mother never did it to her.

Yvonne's hubby · #25 09/12/11, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pony

My kids call us "hippies" - but it's with love and admiration.

The Family Of Origin (FOO) on my side probably thinks I'm nuts (except for my brother). I don't care. They're a real sick crew, and they prove the statement that misery loves miserable company. Don't have time for that.

Like Caitedid points out, sometimes, people leave you no choice but to drop the bat and ball and walk away. Why play their stupid game?

Yeppers, just coz their kin dont mean they are nice people. I picked up my toys and left them to their games many years ago. Theres too many nice folks in the world to play with, I dont need a bunch of jerks making me miserable.

chewie · #26 09/12/11, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by motdaugrnds

Well, seems I'm most always out of the box! Dysfunctional to me means being unable to exist in a given society in a way that does not harm self or others. (That potential exists in each and every human!)

I've been dysfunctional since I was 2-1/2 years old as that was when I chose to split parts of myself from other parts of myself so as to deal with the pain of a Christmas event. That split never healed! I have learned to live with it and, because of it, have been able to stand apart from much of what goes on around me with a more objective view than I otherwise would have had. That split produced a Family Therapist who had the ability to join a family system without becoming enmeshed in that system and, thus, was able to better bring about systemic changes that family had been working toward.

Dysfunction? Oh yes! Difficult to live with? Let me count the ways....or rather don't let me even try to count the ways!

None of us get out of childhood with a full deck; some of us are lucky if we make it at all with any characteristic that will serve us well. What some might describe as dysfunctional; another might not. All definitions above for both terms (dysfunctional and functional) are good! But let me add something else in the mix ... what is "good"?

I have learned "good/bad" and "right/wrong" are myths because what is good for one (or right for one) may not be so for another; and what is bad (or wrong) for one may not be so for another. One of the most important lessons I've learned is the need to fit in wherever one is most comfortable, being sure to check out the ramnifications of such a fit and being able to accept the responsibility for his/her choices.

At the moment, I prefer nature over human systems and animals over people. Does that make me dysfunctional? (retorical of course)

interesting post, much I can relate to. specially that last sentence.

Pony · #27 09/12/11, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yvonne's hubby

Yeppers, just coz their kin dont mean they are nice people. I picked up my toys and left them to their games many years ago. Theres too many nice folks in the world to play with, I dont need a bunch of jerks making me miserable.

Yup.

I spent too many years beating my head against the wall "... because they're FAMILY!"

Yvonne's hubby · #28 09/12/11, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tricky Grama

No: "not speaking for years"? Never understood what that kind of thing was all about in families.

That ones pretty easy... when you get "bit" every time you talk to a family member for years, you finally just tune them out.

chickenmommy · #29 09/12/11, 07:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grandmotherbear

I've just spent all weekend biting my tongue. The effort left me half sick. I was with my mother for her 85th birthday. My brother, SIL and their 25 year younger friend that goes everywhere with them were supposed to come also, with their little yapdog, but they cancelled at the last minute. I had to listen to my mother crying as she related to me my SIL telling her she was mean and cruel and my brother saying they wouldn't be able to interact with her for awhile years back. And she related how she was totally innocent. The whole world just treats her cruelly. I bit my tongue over and over again. She wanted both my brother and me to be miserable as she says she was in her first marriage. She says hurtful things. She is a control freak and will never ever believe she could be contributing in any way to her own problems. She went into my daughter's room one night a week after after she attempted suicide and started in trying to drive her to make another attempt! We had no contact with her for seven years while my brother was the favored son. No she has turned on him but I will NEVER again believe I am the favored child. No, she can't look past herself. She wants to be the self centered egoist her mother always was and she can't stand that fate hasn't provided her a slave to fetch carry and be tormented for her.

So tell us how you really feel.

Seriously though, bits and pieces of each and every post I have read here describe my family. You all could be related to me!
Best part, I'm now living just about the same dysfunctional life my Mother did. Minus the physical abuse. That is something I draw the line at. I have a lot of stopping points, T.M.O.T.H knows what they are.

piglady · #30 09/12/11, 07:46 PM

For those of you who don't understand not talking to family, then consider yourself blessed. That means you have never met or even worse, been raised by the kind of people we are talking about. We aren't talking about the quirky family like "everyone loves Raymond" we are talking something more like "Mommy Dearest" or "Sylbil". When you have a truly toxic relationship the best and only thing you can do for all involved is simply walk away and stay away. We all understand it when a woman leaves an abusive marriage but for some reason we insist others keep trying when it is "family". Thank God I stopped listening to the "but it's your mother" or "blood is thicker than water". My leaving saved my sanity and probably my life and I've never been happier. The only regret is I didn't leave sooner. I hope these posts give others the permission they need to protect themselves (and yes emotional abuse can be even worse than physical) and get away while they can.

julieq · #31 09/12/11, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by piglady

For those of you who don't understand not talking to family, then consider yourself blessed. That means you have never met or even worse, been raised by the kind of people we are talking about. We aren't talking about the quirky family like "everyone loves Raymond" we are talking something more like "Mommy Dearest" or "Sylbil". When you have a truly toxic relationship the best and only thing you can do for all involved is simply walk away and stay away. We all understand it when a woman leaves an abusive marriage but for some reason we insist others keep trying when it is "family". Thank God I stopped listening to the "but it's your mother" or "blood is thicker than water". My leaving saved my sanity and probably my life and I've never been happier. The only regret is I didn't leave sooner. I hope these posts give others the permission they need to protect themselves (and yes emotional abuse can be even worse than physical) and get away while they can.

Totally agree that emotional abuse is worse than physical at times. I grew up in an abusive/absolutely insane family, but I didn't totally cut the ties until about six years ago.

My first glimpse of a normal (not perfect, but normal) family was DH's when we married over 22 years ago. What a wake up call. Fortunately although DH is an M.D., he has a degree in psychology and also is the most patient person I know!

Rainy · #32 09/12/11, 09:30 PM

I am pretty sure that i grew up with a family from sometype of horror movie... it was awful,still is,even though i haven't been apart of it for over 15 years.I chose years ago to cut all ties for good. No there was never a moment of functional in the family i grew up in.