How do YOU handle frustrating people?
 

Cause I am not dealing with it well.

Mine are my next door neighbors. An elderly woman and her 2 adult daughters who are around my age, who moved in around a year & a half ago.

They are beginning to get on my nerves so much that after talking with the older daughter this morning I had an instant headache. The mom and the oldest daughter both have health problems relating from their obesity and the younger daughter has the brains of a brick. They all act needy & helpless and can not seem to do anything themselves even combining all their brains together. They are always nice & sweet and give lots of thank you’s & bless you’s but being next door it seems they come to me for anything they can’t do or figure out how to do.

I have always been neighborly with them and helped them out when possible but its increasingly increasing and something happened this last weekend that made me realize that they just do not want to learn to do for themselves. They want others to do things for them. And it doesn’t seem to phayze them how much they will put someone else out to keep asking. So helping them is just making them dependant on my help.

I have taken to making up excuses to not help them now because they have to learn to do things themselves. I started coming home from work from the other direction & pull my car up next to my house so they cannot see I’m home. Yup I’m trying to avoid them.

My other neighbors this morning told me that they were warned to stay away from them by someone else because they are constantly in need and it’s always been a problem with them.

So how do I back off …sorta politely…ya know without loosing my mind and screaming at them. They have got me that frustrated. Now they have always been nice to me but there is 3 of them and I’m only one person here.

I would like to know how others handle this kind of frustrating people.

Next time they come to the door just tell them you are busy and cannot help them. Close the door and walk away. Then go back to your movie. Some people do not understand boundaries. Or that poor planning on their part doesn't make an emergency for you. As long as you let them wrap you in their troubled lives, they will.
"Sorry, too busy. Have a good afternoon!" Door closes. No future commitment, no question that you can't help right now. Done.

Wish I could have used this approach with S.O.'s kids.

Oh, gosh. I eventually just tell them "No."
I have learned to be able to say no and mean it. Come up with some very valid reasons why you cannot or will not help them.
Say them firmly but politely. Say them as many times as you have to.
Stick to your guns, you can do it.
I do this little thing where my mind sort of shifts and needy people can sense it. They back right down.
It isnt angry or hurtful, just very focused and quite sincere.

People like these will find a new sucker to take advantage of.

Just. You. Watch.

I don't deal with them. Walk away, problem gone.

Enslave them and force them to do your bidding.

"I'm sorry, it sounds like a lack of planning on your part. Unfortunately, that doesn't constitute an emergency on MY part."

"You know, you can hire someone to do that for you."

"No."

Any one of these would work.

LOL I don't think I have enough chocolate cake to keep them contained. But seriously I should think up something they could do for me. Sorta throw one back at them they next time they call me. I gotta work on that one. Thanks

I have neighbors just like that . The last straw was when he drove over asking for a jug of gas 'cause they were headed to town and didn't have enough to get back home and wouldn't have money to buy any if their welfare check wasn't in.
No, he didn't get the gas and No, they won't be back asking favors they never pay back, No I don't miss them "stopping by". I have enough just trying to carry my own burdens, nobody needs people like that in their lives and sometimes you just have to get blunt.

All you really need to do is say "no". No explanation needed!

Point them in the direction of Social services. Maybe they do need help- Ai least they won't be on your neck!

Good grief...are you sure that we dont have the same neighbors?

Pretend you're as dumb as they are and don't know how to do anything either

Well what happened this weekend was we had a power outage and they didn’t know how to switch the mother to a portable oxygen tank. EMS couldn't - had a 4 hour wait because of storm damage. I found someone to switch it for them. That was sorta an emergency. But I was astounded they didn't know already themselves. Watching him do it for them I learned how to switch it. They were shown many times how to do it yet during the 2 days power was out they always needed someone else to do it for them.

Finally I made the older daughter get up off her “chair” and talked her thru doing it herself. Yet they still called for help the next time. I had to help in that case but when I was making OD do it I told the mom to make sure she watched. Ma said I don’t have to I have my daughters to do it for me…UGH :doh: them doing it for her was calling me.

This morning OD asked if I could drive her to her therapy sessions every Tuesday….no money for gas mentioned at all.... I did mention social services to her because my car has a mysterious stalling for no apparent reason problem... I wish that was a lie.
I don't think they are going to stop but Yup Im done.

LOL OMG that one I already did try. Gotta work on that better.. or worse?

Find a marginally useful wino to hang out over there? An old guy on social security who can change a tire and perform the Heimlich Maneuver.

You have my permission and blessings:

You do NOT have to be polite, as you see it.

Polite is reserved for people who understand the concept of polite.

In order to be polite to the world, you MUST be impolite to them.

"Bless your heart, do I look like your momma? Was she too poor to afford a switch? Get you some gumption and quit bothering the milk cow."

I ignore or walk away from people that irritate me for the most part.

Just something I'm wondering...is it possible they're a bit, well, slow? Are they just perceived as lazy or do they have a mental issue?

If they're just lazy then yea, not your problem. If they have "issues" then I might cut them some slack...

I feel for ya though, I really do. I don't like being frustrated OR used by people.

"No, I can't do that." is what I say. If you don't walk away and let them either help themselves or find someone else to solve their problems, they will be your problem 24/7. I am the first person to help someone that really needs it, I do not like to be taken advantage of. People like that often become quite competent when their "help" quits.

The younger daughter is a bit on the slow side. I do give her some slack but she is ok enough to have a drivers licence.

The older one & the mom seem pretty normal to me. I think its more laziness physically and also mentally. They are both obese too. I think they use that as an excuse not to move and do anything too. I say mental laziness because the older daughter did finally learn to switch the tanks after I made her do it once.
I did'nt hesitate to help them at all when they said they could not switch the tanks & the power was out. Not that I knew how - but I did find someone who could. Drove to get them even. Now the older one thinks I am some kind of an expert at it and she calls me to come check if she did it right. So sucker me I go to help ...And while your here you know what else you can do for me....UGH

You sound like a very sweet person and I think it's great that you help them. Having said that, I agree they're taking advantage of you. How about next time they call for help you find something they can help you with in exchange? Something like, "We need your help with......" You say, "Oh, okay, but I was just in the middle of......." " How about if you finish this up for me while I'm over helping you, your mom, etc...."

I've found that when you ask those type of people to reciprocate, they stop asking for help because they know you'll have "work" for them to do in exchange for your help. Nothing in life is free.

We had a neighbor like that once. Couldn't put himself out if he were on fire. We finally said sure we'd help but it would cost X amout of dollars. He stopped asking.

................................MOVE.............. .....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! , fordy:huh:

Great idea!

Ask for money and they'll run like the wind!

I've found that the best thing to do is to offer no explanations.

"Can you....?"

No.

"Why not?"

I'm busy.

"This will just take a minute."

I really can't stop in the middle.

"My mom's first cousin's brother-in-law's teacher used to stop in the middle of doing that all the time and SHE never had a problem."

And on and on.

"No" and further inquiries lead to nothing but more "no" or, for the kind-hearted, "I'm sorry" is a nice touch.

The lady I babysit for will beat down any reason I give her for not doing what she wants. She is just way more motivated to have things her way. I've learned that there is no way to win an argument with her, all I can do is put a stop to it before it gets to the point of debate.

This is exactly why I don't like very many people all that much. I have my family (some of whom I'm glad I don't see very often), and a few close friends, and that is all I need or want.

My closest neighbours are a mile away across the fields, and I love them dearly, but we don't live in each other's back pockets.

Life is too short to waste it arguing with the inconsiderate.

IF for some reason you do feel inclined to help them, make THEM do what ever it is. Offer to stand there and walk them through it ONE time, so they will be able to do it themselves from now on. Need the toilet lever fixed? Tell them to go buy the toilet lever and you will WATCH them fix it. After that, if they call wanting you to check, you say, "I'm really busy right now and can't, but you did such a good job last time that I'm sure it's fine."

After a bit, they will either learn, or stop asking you and go in search of someone who won't make them do it.

Jan S. you nailed it! That is how they talk.. it will only take a minute... I'll wait till your done... Could you please on your way....reason after reason for me to do for them.

I just have to learn a new vocabulary dont I? Starting from No
I like the "I'm sorry" touch .. that may work great!

Hummm.... I'm sorry I cant lift that for you, I strained my back this morning... how does it sound?
I have to go and get my nephew from school cant stop there & pick up your whatever for you.
I also thought of saying I'm doing some work from home for my work,,, cant stop what I'm doing..which is not all that far from the truth.

How is that for a start LOL


I think I'm going to go and pull some weeds. That always helps me think.

That is a great suggestion. It did work with switching ma's tanks. well sorta.. I did made the older one do it. I keep saying older daughter.. she is only one year older than me.
Looking back she (OD) did seem a bit reluctant and tried to get out of it. She didn't want to get up off her "chair". I was more appalled at what the mom said at the time which was she didn't have to learn to do it cause she had her daughters to do it for her.

Then yes, you need to be unavailable for them. It's nice to help people when they need it but when it becomes a drain on you and an interference in your life you have to take a stand. Good luck!

As I get older NO comes much more easily...still trying to teach it to son who is easily touched by a sad story. I'm more than willing to help in an emergency but refuse to be taken advantage of. Neighbors are just that...they aren't my family or friends and I don't owe them a thing other than keeping my fences tight and my animals to home.

Maybe you should shut that oxygen tank off instead of switching it. They would have to figure it out or else.

So As I was leaving the house to pull go weeds the phone rang. I didn’t answer it & whoever it was didn’t leave a message so it was nobody in my family. They know to always leave a message. Oh well.

I pulled weeds where they couldn’t see me from their windows. I am still sorta hiding. I have so much to do around here & the weekends are always full of things I can’t get done during the week.

Weeding got me thinking like it always does. I am still playing catch up on work around the house from grieving my boyfriend dying last January & the resulting depression got me really stuck not being able to do much of anything even for myself. I had to start making myself do things and started with Ok, just do ONE thing a day. If I made it to work the day was a success. That seemed to pull me out of it more and more. It’s been a struggle for me & I been slowly building back up to normal.

Last weekend and their constant neediness only increasing sort of overwhelmed me. I cannot let these people be dependant one me & yes take advantage of me to the point where it messes up my own getting ME back together.

So I was out there thinking if they don’t call today needing something it will be the first day in around 2 weeks I didn’t help them. Was wondering if that was them on the phone when a van pulled into their driveway. It was a lady from their church. She stayed there for only a little while and as she left I hear my neighbors from the doorway saying “Thank you so much for your help”. So I dodged whatever that one was. Yay!
But I know there will be more…

My flowers in the front yard look a lot better and I’m feeling a lot better too. I’m just going to have to judge each instance and mostly let them figure out things for themselves. I know what my boyfriend would have said which I can’t actually post here. I’m sure you all can imagine what it is. - Ya that LOL. Because I can’t let them sidetrack me from what I have to do for me.

sounds like the last neighbor. thank goodness she moved away!!! she was also nosey!!

Are you kidding? No way.You do not want to 'owe' them for the slightest little bit.
Tell them to go to life skills, they do stuff like that. You are too busy and besides, you do have a headache. Put a 'do not disturb' sign on your door.

LOL Tabitha ya I sorta was kidding. I really can not think of anything they could be able to do for me that I can not do myself. Although watching them pick the last of my tomatoes might be funny to watch. Might be too much like work though.

I got to cleaning and vacuuming out my car. Something I have not done since last year. It was still hidden beside my house. I actually did a lot of outside work today on that side of my house. At one time I turned it off only to hear the phone ringing after the younger daughter went to work. So I turned the vacuum back on again. Again no message on my answering machine and EMS did not pull up in front of the house so there was no emergency.

I'm really glad I did the car because I had spilled some grass seed on the passenger floor a while back and now I find that my windshield leaks on that side. Oh the Joy of it all LOL. looking under the car mat was ...well entertaining. It cracked me up.

I never heard of life skills. Is that something thru social services?

Ya need to learn to just say no. No excuse, no sorry, just no. If anything just tell them you simply don't want to.

It's called honesty, and they need a good dose.. They will find another sucker.

I help anyone that needs it, and those that actually appreciate it and repay it in some way, even the old widowed lady that brings me some cookies now and then for doing anything heavy she needs done around her place get help whenever they want.

Users like those otoh do not.

I loan money to anyone, and I don't get upset if it's not repayed, I don't hassle them, but they aren't allowed to ever ask me for anything again.

Ya need to learn to look em in the eye and just say no I don't want to, I'm not your caretaker, go find someone else, and don't come asking me for anything again.

Be kindly to all, but intimate with few:

Thomas Jefferson

I dunno, my husband's mother is like that. We moved to a different state ;)

Actually my landlord/neighbor is frustrating a lot but for different reasons. He's TOO hands-on, in a nosy, overbearing kinda way. And I don't know how to handle it besides working my butt off to get this business off the ground so we can move out to the property and not have ANY landlords or close neighbors except my family, which we can handle.

If you're having trouble telling them "no" then just keep your doors locked and don't answer it when they come knocking. Can you get call display to screen your calls? $5.00 extra for a couple months and that way you can see when it's them calling, and it won't take them long to replace you as the "go to" person.
If they happen to waylay you between your car and house just hold your hand over your mouth and mumble that you're "going to be sick" lol watch them back up which will give you time to get into the safety of your house.
I know this might sound cowardly but at least you won't be on the receiving end of their wrath if they get mad at you not helping....you just don't know with those demanding leechy types.
I hope your car is alright and no more stalling, but get a locking gas cap.