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06/20/11, 07:28 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Florida Bound
Posts: 12,430
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lorichristie
That book, "Boundaries?" Unless you have read the book and had to deal with DOZENS of relationships over the years, employing the methods, like I have, and been patient to see the great results? You don't have the experience to comment on the book methods or the results. There are plenty of folks who knew how to set boundaries. I didn't, so I read that book years ago. I had to deal with narcissists, passive aggressives, those with bi-polar, and the list goes on. They know where I stand!
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Sturdy fences or deep motes make for great boundaries.
Everyone is clear when they run up on a strong fence (think concrete wall) or a deep mote (think full of alligators) that this IS a boundary and no matter WHAT they do, that boundary does, not, move.
Read the book....great ideas.
I chose a different route, and have not regretted that route one day, but the book is a great read!!
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I am sure of two things: There is a God, and I am not Him.
The movie Rudy
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06/20/11, 07:28 PM
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Milk Maid
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Northern Missouri
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While she may have issues.. may I suggest that you just love her. Love her like you would your own daughter. Don't let this go further because your son may shut YOU out... this is his new bride, and right or wrong he should stick up for her.
Next time you compliment him (and don't stop!) make sure you include her in your compliment in some way, for example:
"Adam, we look down the road and are just in awe. If only more Dad's were as close to their sons as you are to yours this world would be a better place. You and Whatsherface are terrific parents and we are proud of you!"
Maybe she doesn't have that kind of confirmation of her worth and it hurts to be sitting on the sidelines? I know that may be difficult for you at first, but try and see what results.
Early in our marriage my in-laws sent us an email praising me on my parenting skills and in the very same sentence berating my DH about his parenting skills. While what they said may have had some truth (but it was skewed, they were judging from what they saw on a home video we sent them) it really hurt my DH. I confronted them about it and they eased up on him a lot. I know he is their son so they saw fit to admonish him, but how could they compliment one and tear down the other when we parent as a UNIT?
Just my 2c. You want to handle this very carefully though, think of what outcome you want, and act accordingly. Oh.. and try to change your perception of her as troublemaker to cherished DIL. That may help how you handle her in the future. And... I'm very sorry you're going through this, the first phase of new changes in families can be very hard to get through!
Last edited by WildernesFamily; 06/20/11 at 07:31 PM.
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06/20/11, 08:13 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 19,807
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lorichristie
That book, "Boundaries?" Unless you have read the book and had to deal with DOZENS of relationships over the years, employing the methods, like I have, and been patient to see the great results? You don't have the experience to comment on the book methods or the results. There are plenty of folks who knew how to set boundaries. I didn't, so I read that book years ago. I had to deal with narcissists, passive aggressives, those with bi-polar, and the list goes on. They know where I stand!
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Lori, was that in response to my post? Because I wholeheartedly endorsed the book. It's fantastic, and I always make it available to my clients.
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Je ne suis pas Alice
http://homesteadingfamilies.proboards.com/
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06/20/11, 08:43 PM
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,013
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pony
I don't think it's wise to bandy about Axis 2 diagnoses.
Even if you were qualified to diagnose, there certainly isn't enough information to make a definitive dx. Even if there was enough info, you haven't met this individual as her therapist, so you really have no idea as to what's going on in her head.
Most importantly, personality disorder is an extreme dx and not something that should be lightly tossed out on a public message board. If you're a qualified mental health specialist, this sort of armchair diagnosis puts you in danger of a legitimate lawsuit.
If you're NOT trained to make DSM diagnoses, please stop practicing without proper training (and a license).
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That's not practicing medicine without a license, it's expressing a personal opinion. Possibly libelous, but not unlicensed practice of any sort.
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06/20/11, 11:14 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 19,807
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Quote:
Originally Posted by insocal
That's not practicing medicine without a license, it's expressing a personal opinion. Possibly libelous, but not unlicensed practice of any sort.
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Whatever.
It's still someone expressing an opinion that they are obviously not trained to make.
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Je ne suis pas Alice
http://homesteadingfamilies.proboards.com/
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06/20/11, 11:48 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Extreme northeastern Colorado on a farm
Posts: 1,349
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If the shoe fits........
Definition of Narcissistic personality disorder
By Mayo Clinic staff
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school...
When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/nar...CTION=symptoms
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Be an ant, not a grasshopper!
"Behind every strong soldier there is an even stronger woman who raised him". I am a Certified Army Strong Mom.
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06/21/11, 01:21 AM
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Thornhill TN
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Momofseven great advice, I am also a Mother of a son. She sounds like she is along the lines of Bipolar. I do have a friend with bipolar disorder and she has felt that people on her husbands side of the family really don't like her.
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06/21/11, 01:38 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Sequim WA
Posts: 6,352
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pony
Lori, was that in response to my post? Because I wholeheartedly endorsed the book. It's fantastic, and I always make it available to my clients.
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No it wasn't in response to your post, just a few others in general who have unfortunately never seen the incredible weight being lifted, the wonderful changes that happen, and getting to the light at the end of the tunnel. It take self-discipline, work, and you gain your self-respect back. Good for you for referring it to your Clients. My best friend is a Psychologist, who also endorses this book. Me? I am the reason she became a Psychologist. She and I have been best friends for 20 years now.
Of course there are folks, some of them family, who I will never see or speak to again. There are simply lines no one gets to cross with me. It has nothing to do with forgiveness, either. Those who refuse to honor the boundaries are down the road.
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06/21/11, 05:42 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rural Kansas
Posts: 113
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WildernesFamily
While she may have issues.. may I suggest that you just love her. Love her like you would your own daughter. Don't let this go further because your son may shut YOU out... this is his new bride, and right or wrong he should stick up for her.
Just my 2c. You want to handle this very carefully though, think of what outcome you want, and act accordingly. Oh.. and try to change your perception of her as troublemaker to cherished DIL. That may help how you handle her in the future. And... I'm very sorry you're going through this, the first phase of new changes in families can be very hard to get through!
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I so disagree. I never stick up for anybody who is in the wrong. That would compromise my integrity and loyalty to God first. My family knows...every single member that every issue that comes our way is thought through in light of moral, ethical and Christian convictions....if any member is in the wrong...my loyalty is with the right. I lovingly deal with the situation with God's timing as best I know how. I've confronted husband and children alike. And I expect and desire that they do the same with me.
If I were the son, loyalty is not the question...integrity and values are. If his wife is acting like this, he should lovingly confront her rudeness...because her behavior is simply wrong. If he really loves her and she is a big mess, he should suggest they both get counselling together. To not confront her behavior is to enable to continue to remain it...whether she be 'ill' or 'evil'.
And btw, my children know where I stand and have stood through the years. I have had to make hard, painful choices because of other's actions. Today, they respect me and know that I am a woman of my word and solid to the core. They depend upon my strength and integrity to help them through times of temptation and trouble...even if it means I don't 'side' with them.
My 2 cents,
Prairiebird
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"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good...thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array."
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06/21/11, 06:07 PM
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Broken Dreamer
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate NY
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Well said Prairiebird, and I agree completely.
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Wise enough to know I'll never be wise enough to know it all
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06/21/11, 08:57 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Sequim WA
Posts: 6,352
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Quote:
Originally Posted by prairiebird
I so disagree. I never stick up for anybody who is in the wrong. That would compromise my integrity and loyalty to God first. My family knows...every single member that every issue that comes our way is thought through in light of moral, ethical and Christian convictions....if any member is in the wrong...my loyalty is with the right. I lovingly deal with the situation with God's timing as best I know how. I've confronted husband and children alike. And I expect and desire that they do the same with me.
If I were the son, loyalty is not the question...integrity and values are. If his wife is acting like this, he should lovingly confront her rudeness...because her behavior is simply wrong. If he really loves her and she is a big mess, he should suggest they both get counselling together. To not confront her behavior is to enable to continue to remain it...whether she be 'ill' or 'evil'.
And btw, my children know where I stand and have stood through the years. I have had to make hard, painful choices because of other's actions. Today, they respect me and know that I am a woman of my word and solid to the core. They depend upon my strength and integrity to help them through times of temptation and trouble...even if it means I don't 'side' with them.
My 2 cents,
Prairiebird
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Great post! My DD is 23, son is 21, and they highly respect me. They have both told me I am the toughest woman they know and they admire me for this quality and also the wisdom they feel I have not only with dealing with other people, but also with life's challenges & problems. Both of them have told me I am the only one in the world they feel would always be honest with them and they trust me 100%. Funny thing, always thank me for giving them feedback (only when requested), and they don't always agree, but when in doubt went along and were thrilled things worked out. I put in bold where we are in the same boat also. Good for you 
Life is too short, folks, to allow caustic people to drag you down!
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06/21/11, 09:25 PM
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Milk Maid
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Northern Missouri
Posts: 2,624
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Quote:
Originally Posted by prairiebird
I so disagree. I never stick up for anybody who is in the wrong. That would compromise my integrity and loyalty to God first. My family knows...every single member that every issue that comes our way is thought through in light of moral, ethical and Christian convictions....if any member is in the wrong...my loyalty is with the right. I lovingly deal with the situation with God's timing as best I know how. I've confronted husband and children alike. And I expect and desire that they do the same with me.
If I were the son, loyalty is not the question...integrity and values are. If his wife is acting like this, he should lovingly confront her rudeness...because her behavior is simply wrong. If he really loves her and she is a big mess, he should suggest they both get counselling together. To not confront her behavior is to enable to continue to remain it...whether she be 'ill' or 'evil'.
And btw, my children know where I stand and have stood through the years. I have had to make hard, painful choices because of other's actions. Today, they respect me and know that I am a woman of my word and solid to the core. They depend upon my strength and integrity to help them through times of temptation and trouble...even if it means I don't 'side' with them.
My 2 cents,
Prairiebird
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I completely agree with you too, because you read that sentence in a way I didn't mean it. I meant that whether the OP thought her son "siding" with his wife was right or wrong, it was the right thing for him to do. And I still feel that way. Don't get me wrong though, I don't mean that she should be allowed to get away with things if she is in the wrong.. indeed, *he* should deal with her and it should be between he and his wife only, with an apology to the MIL if that is necessary. What I'm trying to say, is that if the situation dissolves into a wife vs. the son and his family, that would be a bad situation. How many posts don't we see on HT where a woman (usually) posts about her husband and troubles with the MIL because she feels like she is at war with his family and her husband is taking a stand with them? That is what I see happening if the OP takes some of the advice offered here.
Remember we are only reading one side of the story. There are so many undercurrents in families and we have no way of knowing what they are, nor how accepted this bride felt to her husband's family. All I saw from the OP was how much the son and the wife's child were loved and valued.
To the OP: I truly hope your son is not married to a narcissist. My sister is married to one and it has caused so much pain in our family, on many levels. If she is, maybe this website will help: http://www.klove.com/blog/ScottandKe...red%29-if.aspx
I still think you should just love the heck out of her and see what happens.  I made mistakes as a young bride (not of the caliber of your DIL though) and looking back I feel ashamed, but my in-laws never made an issue of it.. so it was a non-issue. I love them dearly and they have made it clear they love me and we have a very good relationship.
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06/21/11, 09:38 PM
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aka RamblinRoseRanc :)
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Morristown, TN
Posts: 5,066
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Well said, Prairiebird. I'm glad to know i'm not the only one who feels this way.
__________________
" It's better to ride even if you get thrown, than to wind up just wishin' ya had."
Chris Ledoux 
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06/21/11, 09:49 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 8,960
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pony
If you're NOT trained to make DSM diagnoses, please stop practicing without proper training (and a license).
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It was an opinion on a message board. They didn't hang out a shingle and charge for treating the girl.
__________________
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
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06/21/11, 10:19 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 8,246
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It doesn't sound like DIL is the only one whose feelings are easily hurt. Honestly, it sounds like she's not alone in the creating drama department. How in the world could a fb post cause irreparable damage to a 35 year friendship? Doesn't sound like much of a friendship from either side.
This woman is part of your family. Yes, she has hurt people's feelings. Obviously, her feelings have been hurt. You know, misunderstandings are a two way street. It sounds as if you and your family blame the problems all on her and her family blames them on you.
Be kind and loving. This is your son's wife. You could drive your son away, drive a wedge between your son and his wife, or you could bend over backwards being nice to your new daughter. Do you want to remain a part of your son's life? Do you want to be a part of your future grandchildren's lives? Making an enemy of your DIL isn't the way to do this.
How anybody could suggest that this poor girl has any mental health disorder based upon this thread is beyond me. It doesn't sound as if anybody in this situation is behaving in a loving manner.
I would be heart broken if I knew my MIL aired our dirty laundry online. All she'd have to do is google your wall post.
Be kind to this woman. You know, it sounds as if she's got a lot of history with women. Think about what horrible thing must have happened to make her hate to be around her mother... from a young age. Show her that mothers can be kind and loving. Make this girl your daughter. You have the choice to go down to her level by being dramatic yourself or to show her motherly love. Love this girl unconditionally. Remember that she's family.
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Moms don't look at things like normal people.
-----DD
Last edited by Joshie; 06/21/11 at 10:42 PM.
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06/21/11, 10:41 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Missouri Ozarks
Posts: 5,069
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We just had a kerfluffle (new word I learned) over an inter family FB posting ourselves and the best advice I can give is just stay away from FB because its so easy to be misunderstood. But anyone that creates chaos in our family is quickly ignored and that kind of thing is not tolerated. Be kind but firm with her when she starts something out of nothing and if you all just ignore her she will not find the satisfaction she is seeking.
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06/21/11, 10:45 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Idaho
Posts: 1,958
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Ignoring is easy, if everyone does it. But sometimes it carries on because part of the family feels it a need to do to share what you are up to with the ignored..silly because fb is not family and someday they're going to need family.
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06/21/11, 11:03 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Western Washington
Posts: 416
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I have a MIL who is 83 she has cut a wide swath since she was a child...Her own grandson said "I wish Grandma would die so grandpa could finally be happy" ... sad ... the WHOLE family knows what she is like...the only people she really gets along with or has respect for after all these years are the one who set boundries years ago...this is your daughter in laws future unless she gets help.
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