frustrated with DH

Alice In TX/MO · #21 09/18/09, 02:59 PM

Don't nag. Just don't wash his clothes, don't cook dinner, don't clean his bathroom.

mamita · #22 09/18/09, 03:03 PM

then again in the big picture of life, I look at my hubby and often wonder what life would truly be like if he weren't here. then I look at things differently and find that most things we gripe about..........are small potatoes.

I have always told my children that when you love someone...nothing stands in the way. simply..nothing. the earth can open up, you find your way to each other. people could bash..you ignore it all. mountain? you'd climb it. ocean..you'd manage to cross it. loving someone doesn't mean you give up at the first inkling of stress or frustration. I'd be sad to think that so many just told her to banish him forever as some lazy cuss. come on...maybe the guy is feeling horrible right now. maybe..just maybe he feels even less when his wife goes on and on about being a 'go getter'. maybe...there is a time to just sit and talk together and remember why you fell in love in the first place? and chill. maybe there's a time to just chill.

Jennifer L. · #23 09/18/09, 03:15 PM

He feels needed and important when the family calls him for help, which makes him feel good, and most likely the family even thinks they are doing him a favour by giving him something to do. When he's at home, that's a reminder that he's not working, and he probably feels bad. It's hard to feel bad and want to get up and do things.

I would sit down for a talk with him, express your concerns about things around the house, and then having stated your case for you needing help, you stop doing everything and let him pick up the slack. Don't nag him, but don't go back to doing it all yourself, either. I don't think you are really talking about the work, I think you are more talking about the principle of the thing, him not taking some of the burden off of your shoulders when he could if he wanted to.

Anyway, good luck. It's hard being in that situation.

Jennifer

seedspreader · #24 09/18/09, 06:29 PM

Have you told him exactly what you are writing here? If not, go do it. If you feel you can't... print this off and give it to him.

If you're looking to be empowered here to do something you've been thinking about doing... you'll find support for almost anything... from divorce to murder to everything in between.

It's time for him to get motivated and it's time for YOU to lift him up and help him get motivated. Do it with the right spirit and you'll get your old husband back.

jamo · #25 09/18/09, 07:07 PM

We could be twins. Give up and PM me for support for the both of us!

Linda J · #26 09/18/09, 07:22 PM

Okay, just a question, and I've only scanned the responses. Does his cousin work? Are you sure he's going to his cousin's house? Have you checked his story? Offer to go along with him when he goes to "help". See what he says. Are drugs, alcohol or another woman involved?

Tell your husband how you feel - make sure you have his attention - cut off the beer money (get yourself a separate checking account and don't tell him - just don't put your money in the joint), cut the cable off, no snack foods, don't make it so comfortable for him to be at home during the day. Stop doing his laundry, picking up after him, cooking for him when you get home from work. Take care of your children and yourself. Tell him the standard of living is dropping quickly, because of his lack of employment. Give him a date to get it together or he can go live at his "cousin's".

Start right now to prepare yourself you may not be able to stay together if he doesn't accept what you want. If your work has an EAP, make an appointment to go talk to someone, you need to take care of yourself and your children.

kritter8888 · #27 09/18/09, 11:15 PM

Yes his cousin is a pastor and lives and works in the church and he has always spent time there, that I dont doubt. I dont believe that he has gone outside the marriage he has never touched drugs and drinks very infrequently (once amonth or so).

I did sit him down after I read the first posts today and told him why I was frustrated today and told him about the helping thinfs. He says that his cousins needs help with big things he cant do by himself and my needs I can do by myself. I told him that dosnt matter I asked for help (which is really hard for me to do) it shouldnt matter if I need help brushing my teeth I need help and he should be there for me.

Well I got home from work at 9:30 tonight he was making dinner and the lawn has been mowed. The other things I asked him to do no luck but this is a start will see if he keeps it up.

I think the depressed thing was taken wrong. I get a hard to describe feeling and depressed is the only word that comes to mind. Its the feeling that something needs done and its not getting done and Im just sitting there wasting my time and noones doing it and I should just get up and do it. Its really hard to describe.

fordy · #28 09/18/09, 11:41 PM

.............Maybe you're better OFF without him ! He sounds like he's got Lead in his Levi's when you need something done , so maybe it's time too move on . , fordy

naturelover · #29 09/19/09, 12:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kritter8888

...... Weve been married 4.5 years and he was motivated before we got married but got lazy when we got married. Its even worse now that hes not working. I think my problem is im a go getter.

It sounds like he's a lazy sod who got married to a go-getter so he'd have somebody to sleep with and support him. Is he making any effort to find work? Time to cut him off from all the goodies you're providing and go on strike until he gets his act straight. I sure hope you don't have children yet.

.

stef · #30 09/19/09, 12:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kritter8888

OK sorry need to rant. My DH is just frustrting me to no end. Ok here I go his cousin needs help so he goes, he wants to go hunting and he goes, his cousin needs help he goes. I ask him to help me pick something up and he wont get off the couch so I hurt my back and then he says you should of done it this way. I ask him to mow the lawn (its really high since he hasnt done it in like 2 months) and he goes to his cousins to help. We have plans on sat and his friend called this morning and needs help and guess where he going, its not with me. He is unemployeed and I work full-time and I do all the housework he does NONE. I really am at my wits end do I say when he asks whens dinner do I say when the lawn gets mowed. What a fight that will cause. I just really dont know what to do with him. Ughhhhhhh!!

People like that (be they male or female) always find people like you, (be they male or female) and then they suck the life out of you and on top of that can make you feel guilty.

Is this how you want to live?

You don't have to divorce him, but you aren't his mother.
Part of his job as the head of the house is to take care of YOU. As others have already said, that may mean taking up all the slack around the house, until he finds work again.

Do you have a problem standing up for yourself and saying 'no' in other relationships, or just this one?

It's usually a life pattern for the users and givers to find each other and it lasts until the givers are sucked dry.

stef

Wiste · #31 09/19/09, 12:59 AM

I don't do passive aggressive. Waiting around for someone to take a hint, man up, grow a brain, or learn to give a crap takes too long. You don't need to be angry, yell at him, or secretly try to punish him. Just be honest. Tell him you're worried about all these things that are piling up and feeling burnt out with doing both the day job and the house work. Tell him that you need him to be your partner in the marriage because it doesn't matter whose got a job and who doesn't in this economy as long as you two are making it together. I learned from my ex that they'll sit on their butt as long as you let them and gladly let you think they're incapable of taking care of themselves. He's a grown man. He needs to show that he's in this with you, and stuff his pride.

ejagno · #32 09/19/09, 01:13 AM

DH got lazy on me early in our marriage. We both worked but somehow I was the only one responsible for the home, children, garden and lawn. I decided to go on strike. I got tired of picking up his clothes all over the house so I started stacking his dirty clothes at the front door. Well, that didn't motivate him in the least. I invited his parents over. His mother gasped in horror when she saw this huge pile of dirty laundry half way up the wall next to the front door. I told her why. She loaded all of his dirty clothes up in trash bags, took them home and washed, folded and ironed them.

It was then and there that I realized that SHE had taught him that others were put on this earth to serve him and that it was NOT his responsibility. The more I thought about it the more I realized that all of his (only child) life he'd always had a nanny, grandmother or mom that catered to his every need. I'm here to tell you that training the kids and the dogs were much easier but here I am 30 years later and he now does the lawn, cooking and will even take turns doing the laundry.

Yvonne's hubby · #33 09/19/09, 01:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ejagno

DH got lazy on me early in our marriage. We both worked but somehow I was the only one responsible for the home, children, garden and lawn. I decided to go on strike. I got tired of picking up his clothes all over the house so I started stacking his dirty clothes at the front door. Well, that didn't motivate him in the least. I invited his parents over. His mother gasped in horror when she saw this huge pile of dirty laundry half way up the wall next to the front door. I told her why. She loaded all of his dirty clothes up in trash bags, took them home and washed, folded and ironed them.

It was then and there that I realized that SHE had taught him that others were put on this earth to serve him and that it was NOT his responsibility. The more I thought about it the more I realized that all of his (only child) life he'd always had a nanny, grandmother or mom that catered to his every need. I'm here to tell you that training the kids and the dogs were much easier but here I am 30 years later and he now does the lawn, cooking and will even take turns doing the laundry.

Our boy is 16 now, and has been handling laundry, doing dishes, fixing meals, scrubbing toilets, moppin floors and makin his bed for several years now. He also runs the tractor and all the equipment around the farm, builds fences, fixes our vehicles, works with all the power tools in the shop, using the torch and welders, and pulls As and Bs in school. I dont believe in taking care of anyone who is capable of taking care of themselves.

Wiste · #34 09/19/09, 01:37 AM

YH, some day you're going to have a very grateful DIL.

Linda J · #35 09/19/09, 07:45 AM

Kritter, it sounds like you're on the right track by telling him how you feel. Communication is important with our spouses.

One of the reasons I recommended counseling for you is not just because I thought you were depressed, but also a counselor can suggest different communication skills that might work, and help you deal with the frustration. So many times a spouse will say "Quit nagging", but it's because we not using techniques that get their attention in the first place. Actions, not words, are sometimes the most effective.

Does the cousin know this is causing friction in your marriage? I'm sure he wouldn't want that to happen.

lenii · #36 09/19/09, 11:12 AM

Now... I am an overly ambitious type person who never asked for help and enjoyed doing as much as I possibly could.(that is a good way to spoil a husband). My husband did do the remodling and heavy duty things,ect, that I didn't know how to do. But if he could sneak away with a friend, or call a friend to come over, that was more fun for him. Then they could drink beer and tell tall tales. I never wanted to make a scene, as he lied and said they called him ,ect. Looking back, I should have made a scene and had a plan for every single day he was off work. He was known to go right by the house(we worked right across the street) with some friend for a few beers. The person I am now would never put up with that. Learned too late. When they marry, family should come first. Days out with friends once in awhile, not the other way around. He is too old to do anything now, and I am retired and the watch dog...LOL

Talk to him, and tell him what you expect without being angry. If he doesn't come through, ask yourself if you can live with a lazy person. If he is home, he should be doing alot of things for you. Shame on him!

onthespot · #37 09/19/09, 01:16 PM

It's not just a man/wife thing either. I just got rid of my sister "disabled" (sucking the system dry and could hold down a job if she wanted to. Not just any job, but surely SOME job.) In three years she has never gone to a job interview that I am aware of. She sucked me dry and then some. I am completely wiped out and starting from the bottom up after three years of taking care of her when she actually needed a boot in the butt. I gave her thirty days to move out, took her six months! I was THIS close to evecting her sorry self, but she is gone and so are most of her things. We did not fight, I worked as much as possible and she slept as much as possible with heating pads on her back and a box of pills next to her bed. As soon as a friend called she was off and running. She went on several vacations, bought herself several new computers. cameras, clothes, high tech sewing machine, you name it. She got $1100/mo and refused to pay rent. I finally let the utilities get shut off, and the cable and she picked up on the slack of those for the past few months. It is not a gender problem. Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder before you go too far down this road. She is now living with a "friend" who she usually wouldn't even pick up her phone calls because she didn't like her, but now she needs a free place to flop, they are all good friends.