Got A Funny Church Story, Thats True?
 

There use to be this man that attended church that seemed to make people laugh by the way he did things. He was always getting change from the ushers as they past the collection plate. Everybody would laugh. He was baldheaded and he was the only person I have ever seen, that if a fly pitched on his bald head, he could make just the area where the fly was jump or shake like a horse when a horsefly pitches on them. Also, he would always be out the door after church before anyone else and sit in his car and honk the horn till his wife came.

I remember this other fellow who in the past was a drunk but got saved and became a deacon. Well this one time this deacon had backslid and was drinking again. We had a missionary from Mexico speaking one night and was telling about his work in Mexico and some of the things they needed. A truck or bus was one of those things. Well this deacon who wasn't feeling any pain stood up and told the missionary that he had a truck they could have. The missionary thanked the deacon and continued speaking, after a while something he said made the deacon mad as fire. The deacon stood up and fussed out the missionary and told him to forget the truck cause they won't getting it, and then he left and went home. I know these kind of things at church shouldn't be funny, but to this ten year old it WAS.

May have told this before but reruns sometime are good. This lady and her baby (4 or 5 mo) walked in church one Sunday and set down close to the front. Everything was going good till the preacher was about half way through his sermon. About that time the ladies baby started having hiccups and after a couple of minutes later them hiccups made the baby mad and he started screaming and hiccuping to. The lady stood up to take the baby out and all that straining made the baby start passing gas. Now he was hiccuping, screaming an pooting all the way down the isle and out the church. Everybody in the church was rolling with laughter even the preacher. He dismissed the service with a waving motion with his hand because no one in the church could say a word including him. :eek: Eddie

One of my favorite pastors was serving communion, and they found out halfway through the service that they were out of communion wafers. In a panic, someone raced down to the kitchen to find a substitute. The look on people's face was priceless when they came forward, only to be served wine and... Goldfish crackers!

The same pastor once used the men's room with his lapel mike still on....

Ooohh.. I have oodles of good ones. I am the preacher's kid:)

My SD was pastoring at a very small church in the mountains that only held about 70 or so if it was jam packed.. most Sundays we had about 30 if that.
The Elders were to ring the ancient old bell in the steeple at service time and one older Elder was always the one that got to ring it. A younger Elder was jealous and decided he would get his turn...
one Saturday night he snuck to the church and cut the bell rope. Not all of the way through, but just enough..
So, come Sunday service the older Elder went to pull on the bell rope and it it snapped free and began curling down around him. Poor old fella thought the whole huge bell was coming down on top of him. He had a small heart attack. No, really! He had a heart attack. The next week the younger Elder got to ring the bell.

My mother denies this and swears it was just a dream.. but at the same church.....
it was the time for the annual Christmas Party in the social hall and it was in the early to mid 70's where polyester ruled the fashion world. My mother had made a pretty, ruffly red dress and stood too close to the old radiators. Yep. It melted right away leaving my mother in a slip with only the ruffly arms remaining of the dress.

An aside about this little church.. i the congregation we were fortunate enough to have a retired concert organist and a retired opera singer. The beams in the cathedral ceiling and the glass in the old stained glass would hum and shake, but the music was the best I have ever heard anywhere!!!!!

Communion is a trying time for all. Especially the women of the church. This takes place in a slightly larger town where the congregation was divided between locals and newcomer, Yankee retirees... never a good mix.
The women of the church would start calling my SD in the wee hours of the morning the night before Communion Sunday vying for the honor of preparing the wine (yes.. we used actual wine) and bread. Very annoying and the fights and name calling and accusations got pretty nasty as the hours ticked by.

Once my SD was at the church working on his sermon and my mother and I were across the way in the manse when we looked out the kitchen windows and saw several ARMED guys creeping around under windows and finally sliding stealthily in one of the doors. They were carrying big, black guns..... water guns!:) and were heading in for refills. My mother lost years off of her life that day. giggle snort

I will try to think of others.

Many years ago I went to a revival in Edna, Texas. The preacher was doing the traditional sing song delivery, loud/soft, fast/slow. The organ player was playing endless choruses of old hymns that everyone knew. They were doing a pretty good job of mesmerizing the audience the preacher called folks down to the front.

The third woman took the microphone from the preacher, announced that she was his wife, and said she'd been home working and paying the bills so he could travel and fornicate with the organ player.

It was the end of the evening.

We were at a Bible Camp Service in Colorado one August. It was high in the mountains near Buena Vista. The small auditorium where the services were held had huge panaramic picture windows around one side.

One morning, the preacher was deep into his sermon, giving a rousing speech about......something.....

He began to notice that nobody was paying any attention to HIM. Everyone was looking out the window at some Hummingbirds.
He finally stopped and asked what was going on. He was informed about the birds. With a look of disgust, he went back to the curtains and began to crank them shut. He chastised us by saying "I never met a Hummingbird who could preach......"

I replied "I never met a preacher who could FLY...."

Everyone burst out laughing, which made the preacher mad. I KNOW he didn't SEE me say it and we'd only just met, so he couldn't have known my voice, but he looked RIGHT AT ME with a scowl that could curdle milk.....

He ended up cutting the sermon short because people were still snickering.......

When my kids were really little, we used to call church "God's House."
So on Sundays, we'd go to God's House.


I didn't think a thing of it until we moved to the ranch we live on now. Our new church had a recent African immigrant, newly graduated from seminary for a pastor.

This must have struck my then 3 yr old son as very special. Because one day he was talking about going to God's House and talking to God. I was impressed that at three he understood that people talk to someone they can't see (God).


Nope. He was talking to God! Our pastor.

So ever after it's been the joke amongst our friends and neighbors here that God is a short, Black man with a heavy accent. ;)

Years ago, I went to a Communion Service at a Lutheran Church in Kansas. About half way through the process, a young woman (about 22-23) got up and headed down the center aisle for the front. She had no idea that the back of her dress was tucked neatly into her panty hose.....

My wife reminded me of an RLDS funeral we went to a few years back. It was for her grandpa's brother-in-law, Hubert (his sister's husband). We arrived early and sat near the back. For about 45 minutes we "endured" some of the worst singing we have ever heard. It was taped, of course. It just kept droneing on and on, and on......
It got to the point that we started to make fun of it between ourselves -

"Good thing Hubert's dead - 'cause this music would KILL him!"
"If they keep THIS up, they're gonna have MORE people die...."
"Sure am glad I'm deaf in one ear....."
"This stuff is WORSE then Funeral Music...."
"It's so bad, it'll probably wake Hubert up just so he can turn it of...."

Etc, etc, etc.

Then the service started. It was held by another relative and good friend of Hubert's.
He started the service by saying that Hubert loved to sing....

"IN FACT, that was Hubert singing on the tape you heard before the service......"

....uh.....ok.....oops.....:whistle:

There were two rich evil brothers that lived in a small town and they both attended church regularly. One day the old minister retired and a placement minister came and was a great success with the congregation. The church started to grow and a building fund was set in place.

One day, one of the rich evil brothers just happened to pass away and the other rich evil brother came to the new pastor and ask him to perform a eulogy on his brother behave. The evil brother said to the minister that if he would say to the public that his brother was an angel, he would pay for the completion of the new building.

The agreed to the terms and happily accepted the check for the completion of the new church building. The next during the eulogy that minister didn’t hold back and stated that the rich evil brother was a terrible individual, he was mean to his family, friends and co-workers. He stole from the poor and cheated everyone to become rich. But at the end of the eulogy the minister stated that brother was an angel compared to this rich evil brother. :D

You all got some good ones, keepum coming. Heres one more. Right many years ago this PH church down the road was having a revival, but a year or two before that a rumor got started about the preacher doing some inappropreate touching during the laying on of hands service,no one ever said wether it was so. But anyway my cousin and his wife Sadie was attending the revival. When the call for the laying on of hands came, Sadie made her way to the alter to be prayed for. Well the next day out to the store some of the men brought up the subject of the rumor and my cousin was there listening and joined in and said "Yea I remember when all that was the talk of the neighborhood and when Sadie went up last night to be prayed for that was on my mind and I had alreadyhad got my pocketknife out and if I had seen a hand making its way up Sadies frock, I was gunna cut somebodies throat." :eek: LOL Eddie

This is personally embarrassing story that taught me once and for all about cell phones.

Went back to my home town a couple of years ago and went to Mass with my best friend and her family. Her father is a deacon and she is a Catechism teacher for the Church. The Priest was well into his homily and had just stated "God is calling out to you to listen to him!" Just at that moment my cell phone began ringing (I forgot to turn off the ringer) As I frantically fumbled in my purse to silence the thing the priest looks at me and said, "I would have answered that if I were you.It's not nice to send God to voicemail." The entire congregation burst into laughter. I was slightly red faced. Turns out, Mom and Dad were calling to see if I was OK since there had been a fatal wreck on my route home involving a car similar to mine.

I now leave the cell phone in the car when I go to Church.

Nikki

This was another funeral. During the graveside service, the preacher was in the middle of the "ashes to ashes" thing when a loud ringer was heard.....

A couple seconds later it was followed by an even louder " ANSWER THE (GOSH DARN) PHONE, WILL YA?"

Novelty ringers are great when they go off at the wrong time....

The only one I can think of is the time the pastor asked for prayer requests and the man said will you please hold my wife's leg up in prayer.

Here is another funeral story. I was setting beside a lady, her son was a pallbearer, he was a real short man, when the pallbearers stood up, his Mother punched me in the side and said " My son looks like he is still setting down." Be this time the casket is almost beside me, I was taking to not laugh.


We were at church one time the pastor was talking about someone being cremated and then the ashes being put in an urn, but he didn't say urn, he kept saying "put the ashes in a URINAL"
everybody started laughing, he stopped preaching and ask what was so funny, his DW said it is an urn, he said isn't that what I said, he finally said it right.
bopeep

Chickenista, those are good stories. But what does SD stand for?

Our pastor went to China on a mission trip one time. Before he left, I told his wife in front of him that if she needed anything she could call me, anytime day or night and I would help. It might help if I mentioned that she was a mother of 6 children. About 5 days into the trip, I got a phone call at about 9:00 pm one night. On the other line was this lady's voice I wasn't familiar with. She said "Ray??" I said "Yes?" Then she said with almost a whisper, "Ray, I need you." Not knowing that it was our preacher's wife, I said "Who is this?" and almost hung up, thinking that it was some perverted woman trying to pick up on me. Then, with a sob, she said "Ray, it's me Karen" Then it clicked. It wasn't some perverted woman trying to score....it was our preacher's wife in need.

I drove out to where she was and had to fix her car. We always laugh about that each time our preacher goes on a mission trip.

Step Dad. I have been trying to think of some more...

I love barnswallows. I love their shape, , gliding through the air, so graceful,so elegant,
such beauty. There are barnswallows all over town. At the Higginbotham building, they nest
in the corners of the entryway. When you walk in to buy supplies, you dodge the birds, as they
swoop out of the nests and out into the open. As you drive by the mainstreet, at times they
seem oblivious to traffic, swooping down among the cars, always steady, always on their
course, missing the cars but alarming a driver or two.
At our church, the birds decided to make nests over the doorway, high up in the entrance
way. It became a battle of persistance. The preacher was up and down on the ladder ripping
down the mud nests, and they would be built back within a few days. The preacher
finally gave up, persistance won out, and the nest was built, and the mother bird began her
springtime ritual of raising a family. At first, it was all quiet, you would look up as you entered
the building, and the bird always got a smile from the churchgoers. Children especially loved
the bird, and would stop and look up, chatting happily, always watching . Soon tiny cheeps
could be heard, and tiny,tiny heads would peek over the edges of the nest.They were just
too cute for words, just beautiful, making us aware of the beauty of nature. There was one
big problem. Below, on the green carpeting, black and white tell-tale signs were piling up,
and becoming very messy. The cleaning lady did her best to clean before each church
meeting, and the birds continued to let their presence be known. One morning, as we
all went into the building, there was a big piece of white paper placed on the green carpeting
to catch the falling debris. Someone had drawn colored circles on it, all spring colors, of
course. As we came out of the building, laughter was everywhere and finger pointing, all
members came to one conclusion, Yes, the mother bird could definitely hit the bullseye !
They eventually flew away, off to another area of splendor in the skies, and we are now
into another Spring, and we know the barnswallow will return again, of that, we are all
in agreement.

My ex husbands great uncle Astor was a pastor he had had an accident and was trying to tell the congregation what happened to him he said I was just walking through the woods when I got my root hung between two legs and broke it.....What he was trying to say is I got my leg caught between two roots fell and broke my leg..He was 70 to 80 years old at the time. :rotfl:

My wife and I use to attend a baptist church that had a preacher that lovvved to put someone on the spot. If you feel uncomfortable about praying in front of a crowd, you would not like this church. I never have liked being the center of attraction in a crowd, but praying was not a problem for me. Anyway this particular Sunday my FIL was there and he was a FWB preacher. Before services the pastor ask him to hold services, and he said he would. After all the singing the pastor looked at the congregation and said," I'm going to put someone on the spot this morning. He then looked at me and asked if I would introduce my FIL, an then he set down. I got up walked up to the pulpit and told the folks who my FIL was and that he had preached for over fifty years. Then I motioned for him to come up and start preaching, and as he got close enough, I said "I'd like to apologize to you and to the church for this pastor, not being able to remember your name, but he couldn't help it, because its one of the negatives of growing old.The pastor jumped up and ran up to me saying I didn't forget, see I have it written on this paper. I said "You just proved my point, if you could remember it, How come you got it wrote down on that piece of paper? I returned to my seat with some mad eyes staring me down,:flame:and a congregation rolling in laughter ,but thats ok because its a small price to pay for never being put on the spot again. Eddie

ohhhhhhhh I have tons of stories...my dad is a pastor, and I married a pastor..and I have lots of pastors in my families..and wellllllll there is lots of life experience...

One of my favorites is prayer request time, one night, this elderly man asked us to pray for him because he had more gas than opec....ROFL

We had a family in our church when I was a kid, that were *simple* and there was a bunch of boys in that family...big old strapping country boys all over 6 foot tall and 250 pounds, and they had one sister still at home and she was about 15 or so and one Sunday they came to church and she didnt and during prayer request time they requested prayer for the sister because she was at home "flooding" that poor girl...she would have been so embarrassed if she had been there..

When I was a kid my dad took a new pastorate, and one of the elderly sisters told him that he needed to be finished preaching at noon, cause she had to eat as close to noon as possible, and he told her "Sister Mandy just bring you a sandwich, if I aint done preaching you can go ahead and eat lunch"

If you attend a church that anoints the sick with oil, you know that most of the time that olive oil that is used is YEARS old...one night at a revival a man came up and asked the evangelist to pray for him to quit smoking, and the evangelist told him to stick out his tongue, and he poured that nasty old oil on it...I bet that next cigarette tasted nasty with that icky oil taste on his tongue..

will be back with more later..
~C~

Whe I was little, as in too young to remember, the kid in front of us had a cap gun. My dad assumed it wasn't loaded. :lonergr: It was church after all, who would give their kid a cap gun WITH caps in church? It got everyone's attention when it went off and there was my dad with the smoking gun in his hand. . .:bow:

:hobbyhors

Now that's funny!

When my cousin was a little boy his dad was doing the offering and had to stand at the front of the church while they prayed beforehand. Well my Aunt and Uncle have 4 boys and they were all pretty little and she was worried they wouldn't behave so she lectured them to sit still and be quiet and when she was done my cousin, about 5 or 6 years old, asked if he could go downstairs to the bathroom. After telling him to be quiet on the stairs, which were really loud, she said he could. Well he went quietly down the stairs and she sighed with relief.. then a few minutes later, in the middle of the prayer, she heard him say... "Dad, can you do up my pants?" He figured mom was out of sorts so he'd ask dad instead!! So he's standing in the middle of the church holding up his pants!! My uncle just did up his pants and sent him back to his mom. The whole church got a chuckle out of that one!!

One morning, during prayer requests, a young lady (about 12) stood up and said she had a praise... her mother had quit smoking. Both Mom and Dad were standing in the choir, so everyone was looking straight at them. The young lady then continued - "Daddy says he's going to quit smoking too, but he's going to wait until after he quits drinking."