Putting MY foot down and going on strike!

The thing is, he used to never be a slob. He never smoked so much either. This is a more recent thing. It's like he has just quit careing about everything ecxept his computer. I don't know whats going on with him but I'm not gonna take it.

__________________
It's not that I don't like mankind, I just like nature a whole lot more.

There may not be a lot you can do to change him. A surprising number of men (I use the term only to indicate "not women" ) are like this in some form or other. Self-indulgent, self-serving, selfish. Go on strike. Or just go. To any mothers of boys out there, are you doing things right now to help your son(s) be different than their fathers??

I would like to suggest that he might be addicted to computer ... games, porn or ? Such a change in behavior usually results from a major life change such as unemployment, health issues, or addiction issues.

We did the no smoking in the house battle many years ago. I have asthma, dh smoked. I pointed out in a not too friendly voice that my health was more important than his @$#!% cigarettes and while I couldn't force him to quit he darn well wasn't going to kill me with them. So he smoked outside for 25 years until he quit.

All the other mess is a huge pain in the backside but the smoking is a life or death issue for someone with asthma. (For the smoker too but that's his choice!) No options there. NO SMOKING IN YOUR HOUSE. I'd post it on the doors. My dh quit smoking in the house but never had the gumption to tell anyone else they couldn't...I did not suffer from lack of gumption so NO ONE smokes in my house EVER.

__________________
This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

It sounds to me like there is more going on in this relationship. You have to find out WHY he is disrespecting your health problems and being a slob. The slobiness (Is that a word?) is also a sign of somehting that has changed in your marriage.

Someone brought up a possible addiction to the computer be it porn, video games or whatever. If I were you, I'd be very suspicious at this point. No doubt he will deny any addiction if you ask him, so maybe you'll have to become a detective and look at the computer.

You can explain to him that he has to make a choice. It's the addiction or it's the marriage because you deserve far better treatment than you are getting.

Good idea
Do It!
nothing wrong with taking care of yourself once in a while.

Check the history on his computer, preferably before he clears it. What you find(click on any links you don't recognize since some sites/rooms have innocent names but aren't) may give you a better idea of what's going on.

I agree, your health & life is much more important than any cigarette/cigar/pipe. Stick to your resolve, this isn't a battle you want or can afford to lose.

I can't really add much except to echo what everyone else has said. Sounds like he is being a selfish child,and putting you into the position of having to act like his mother. He has NO right to put your health at such risk,and turning the house into a trash dump is also very childish. I'm very proud of you for standing up for yourself!!

ETA: Too bad it's the wrong season;I'd go to the store & buy one of those super-soaker squirt guns,and put out the fire every time he lights up!!

__________________
Please take the time to watch this video about Cerebral Palsy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0mrs4fpRv8

so she will see how good I treat her..

I think the underlying problem of no respect needs to be addressed. Your husband should R E S P E C T you! No two ways about it. He sounds utterly childish. Don't be sucked in by his "I cleaned up the kitchen Mom, now praise me and come and give me some attention".

__________________
If you are curious what lampworking or beadmaking is, visit my blog here: http://patnewmex.blogspot.com/

My sentiments exactly.

My sister is staying with us for awhile. She is a heavy smoker (more then she will admit). Everything she owns smells like smoke. She can step out of the shower and smell like smoke. We told her no smoking. It's amazing how someone will stand outside in sub-zero weather and puff away. Never could understand that one! I can remember painting my mom's livingroom/diningroom. We used an off white. Within 2 years, it was a dirty beige, except behind anything that was hanging on the wall. The windshield in her car was so bad that it took a heavy-duty cleaner and a razor blade to clean it. Smoking is NASTY, NASTY habit

Let's sum this up, shall we!

Janis: "Shoot him."
Angie: "...if he's that inconsiderate I'd wonder if he really loves and cares for you, or just himself."
Pat: "I can't imagine having such an uncaring, selfish spouse."
WR: "I find his behavior very disrespectful and his attitude toward your health very cavalier."
AR: "I'm more upset about his attitude toward your health condition and the danger of being around cigarette smoke, than I am about the actual smoking."
Fla Gal: "Who, in their right mind wants to clean up someone else's mess to be able to cook, then clean up that mess just to walk into the same situation the next day?!?"
Wildwood: "Slavery went out 100 years ago."
Bink: "You're working, what do you need him for?"
Terri: "Expect him to smoke even more for a bit, out of temper"
Mama: "Your hubby needs to be smaked in the head with a clue by four."
Maura: "Showing respect to others is an adult trait."
Rick: "This guy sounds like a real prince!!!"
Use Less: "Self-indulgent, self-serving, selfish."
Ardie: "It's the addiction or it's the marriage because you deserve far better treatment than you are getting."
Tornado: "Sounds like he is being a selfish child,and putting you into the position of having to act like his mother."

Who am I to add more to these gems? Everyone here sums it up completely.

Good for you for putting your foot down. Don't compromise one single bit.

__________________
Wise enough to know I'll never be wise enough to know it all

I'm currently not working myself (I retired from the Army in 2006). My wife and I had to make some changes with regard to how we share the household workload.

Marriage is a team sport, each partner may have their areas of specialization but each also assists and supports the other. Despite all those years in the Army I'm not as good at housecleaning as my wife but I do laundry, cook and keep the place up so that she only has to fix details on her weekends... in addition to my traditional outdoor chores.

If your schedule is such that you can't perform your "traditional" household chores then there needs to be a redistribution and he needs to help you shoulder the load. It can be a tough transition for many men, I know it was for me... but it has to be done.

In defense of the male species women can be selfish and self-serving as well.

__________________
"I am a Soldier. I fight where I'm told and I win where I fight." GEN George S. Patton, Jr.

My DD had to lay down the law with my sil about his computer use. He'd be on the computer from the time he'd get some til bedtime and all weekend. It's not like he'd be isolated (their dd could watch cartoons on the monitor next to his), but it was hard to talk to him when he was involved in his games. Dd told him he had to limit his computer time, help her out with the kids and do thinigs with them, OR she didn't know if she could continue living there. She made him realize that family was more important and that he's an adult now. They make some of these quest games for adults but not all adults have families or they have more self-control.

Exactly...sounds like a computer addiction to me, and I wonder if addiction is not often a cause of depression as well...I'd be telling him that the smoking is outside only, and the computer will be outside too if he doesn't curtail it to a limited time per day and get back to the real work of sharing a life together.

He's taking advantage of you....I would not wine or nag, or command him to do things like a Mom. I'd just expain what's not working with the current situation (in terms of how it makes you feel, not what he is doing wrong) and say unless there is change, I'm out of here (or he's out of there).

I hope you don't have children (besides him, that is).

Last night I came home and the place was sparkling! Even the animals were groomed and sparkling. not only did he do the kitchen like I asked (and he did everything even polished the faucet!) he cleaned the rest of the house. Not a speck of dust. To top that, I came home to a candle lit dinner that he cooked himelf, an appology (he said he didn't know it was bothering me so much as I usually don't complain about anything) and this morning he made breakfast and cleaned up afterwards. This is how clean he used to be, I guess he got used to me doing everything all the time. i tell you, it was sure nice to come home to a clean house.

__________________
It's not that I don't like mankind, I just like nature a whole lot more.

Good that he heard you. I do hope he keeps it up.

Angie

__________________
"Live your life, and forget your age." Norman Vincent Peale

Heh, heh. That's what I was thinking Angie! You know how much fun it is to clean the house once, and what a drag it is to keep it up!

At least for me, that is...

Oh, and congratulations on getting your point across, Nickie! Sounds like he's not so clueless, huh?

__________________
A wise man speaks because he has something to say; a fool because he has to say something. - Plato

Excellent!

I'm glad he could take a gentle hint.

Nickiel -- I haven't read any of the responses, and in all honesty I didn't actually finish your initial post just wanted to let you know I'm on your side. It's just as much your house, and I think what you should do is post a sign -- "If you are smoking you had better be on fire!" -- And from that point forward - anytime someone lights up in your house you should douse it with a fire extinguisher

That's the best solution when words alone fail don't your think?

Marlene

__________________
It is the one with persistence and determination that brings great ideas into being.