I give up! (Rant about sister)
 

Unless you are ready for a reallllly long rant, please feel free not to read my post!

I have done everything I can and it's just not working. I can do no more to help. Here's how it is:

My sister left her husband several years ago due to mostly verbal abuse....a good thing! What she did after that was pretty much just live on his severance package from work until it ran out, then turned to cleaning houses under the table. So fairly good money, but unreliable in terms of people cancelling, etc. And no medical/drug benefits or workman's comp or pension plan. I suspect that up until our mother's death in February that she was also occasionally getting money from mom (who was in debt herself) to get her out of tight spots, and now obviously that won't happen anymore.

She does not have her grade 12 and won't do correspondence courses to get it (she is 62, but still, she could have it within a year if she wanted). Having your grade 12 makes a big difference here. Yeah, it's only a piece of paper, but they won't even look at you if you don't have it. It is very common here to work well past 65, so retirement is not necessarily a given at that age.

I can't even count how many job ads I or my family have sent her. The excuses are everything: I can't work shifts (disrupts my sleep), I prefer not to work weekends, don't want to work nights, don't want to run a cash register, don't want to serve food, don't want to do car deliveries (the last three don't make enough per hour), don't want to telemarket (too stressful) and although she has a social service certificate, will not take something such as Red Cross because "I would have to bathe people"...as if this means "I have to get my hands dirty".

Here's the kicker: she complains about how lousy her life is and how she is so in debt. Her prescriptions were initially covered by her ex's plan but it has now run out and she will soon be faced with paying a $200 senior's coverage for the year (after age 60, you pay that and then your drugs only cost $2 a pop for the year). She says "guess that means I will have to quit taking my blood pressure pills, anxiety pills, etc". Do you know how it is when people talk like that and are expecting sympathy? As if no one else ever suffers from anything bad. My sis has always had it "worse off" than anyone else, in her opinion. But in reality, she has taken it upon herself to never want to take a job "below her" and move up and get somewhere. You will never see her working in McDonald's, because it's "not worth it". Nothing I can say will change that, and I have failed to convince her that if she walks around thinking and saying "I live under a black cloud" or "I'm cursed" that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don't understand this. Is it that she enjoys being miserable? That she wants everyone to acknowledge that yes, she has no doubt suffered through more than anyone else in the entire world ever has? That she feeds off everyone's pity? That she wants to "punish" others in the family for having worked hard and long hours to get something out of life? Sometimes I think it is the last one, because she will make comments about how "you don't understand, you have a drug plan" or "at least you can pay your bills".....doesn't she understand that she is correct in that, but we had to spend years of doing crap jobs to get here? That we took out a second mortgage to buy the small business we own? We never got anything handed to us, we WORKED for it. As if we should feel guilty about that! ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!

She also complains about how she doesn't see her kids and grandkids much. I haven't heard this from them, but I suspect it's because she complains so much about how lousy her life is. And perhaps her kids feel guilty about that, and aren't able or willing to financially support her everytime she gets in a hole.

There is going to be a get-together today and I just know that she will start with the "my life sucks" rant, and I just can't take that anymore. I just cannot devote anymore energy into trying to help someone that doesn't want any help. I truly feel that she gets some kind of "payoff" from the negative energy she insists on generating, and I have taken so many years to get myself in a positive spot that I am unwilling to be pulled into that myself. I do not want to be dragged down into that mindset she has. I think perhaps from now on, if it appears that we will start down the usual negative/non-productive comments, I will just change the subject.

Please don't judge me if I sound harsh. I do love my sister and I worry about her. Sometimes we wonder if she would "do something rash" but then again, we also wonder if perhaps she only wants us to think that. She's a grown woman and we can only do so much. It's hard for us too in another way, in that her misery drains happiness from us because we have to worry about her and fend off feelings of guilt for no good reason. But she just WILL NOT do anything positive to help herself. There is excuse after excuse after excuse as to why she cannot do anything.

I was the one who told her to see the doctor about getting antidepressants because she always seemed depressed. They obviously haven't worked. But then again, I also feel some of it is just the way she is, her mindset about everything, and I don't think ANY drug can change a person's negative attitude if this is part of their integral personality to start with. Maybe biofeedback would help her, but I doubt that she would even consider it. And personally I doubt that she will even allow the drugs to change herself.

I suppose some of you out there also have issues with family members like this. Those that you can do everything in the world to help, and they just won't accept it, I mean. I should not have to feel guilty about just throwing up my hands in defeat, but I do. :( But I have to know when to bow out to keep my own sanity and find happiness in my own life. I just cannot do any more. I as always will be supportive of what she does do, but she has got to realize that happiness is everywhere if you are looking hard enough. Or not.

Take care,

DD

I have been there with a few relatives that think we owe them handouts. I have since closed the pocketbook and the guilty mind. Her life is what she made it, period. Can she get SS early? If she doesnt want to work maybe she could live on that. Now....you have a right to live a happy life. If you have worked hard and done things right then enjoy it without guilt. Just say I love you occasionally to her and go about your business.....

She has made it 62 years. Is there a chance she is going to starve to death, or freeze to death in an alley? Probably not. She is how she is, and trying to change that is a lost cause. With 62 years under her belt, she don't want advice. You love her or it wouldn't bother you this way. Doesn't Canada have aid programs for the poor or elderly? Sounds like she is a candidate for that. Just accept her as she is, and keep loving her.

Some people rae perfectly happy making themselves and any one around them miserable. Try not to let her suck the life right out of you.

suz, I don't think she can get any other "senior" assistance until she turns 65, but it is not much anyhow. She also refuses to go on welfare, which would at least pay for her medications. She thinks welfare is for "bums". Period.

She IS still cleaning houses also, but again, it is part-time as people sometimes stop using her (most are seniors themselves on limited incomes), and of course this is not a 9-5 solid hour job every day. Some days she will get a full day, sometimes she will get maybe just a short day of, say, 4 hours. The other thing about this is that there are obviously no benefits, so if she gets hurt or sick, she doesn't get anything. Not a good set-up. I think that she keeps hoping that she can find a legit job and still be able to do cleaning part time, and I suspect she has turned down jobs because of this.

We do not give her money. We are just breaking even ourselves pretty much. We do have a bit saved up, but no way am I handing that over to anyone who doesn't even want to try to find a legit job. Again, I suppose that sounds cruel, but I work hard for my money, and feel others should as well. I didn't work hard to have it tossed away carelessly.

The thing is she "thinks" we do have money because we own a business. She has not asked for any, but she implies that we are well-off and therefore not understanding of her pain. We work long hours, and have gone way into debt to renovate and buy the business we have. She happens to have more frills in her life than we do (such as a sports car and high speed internet). I suppose she doesn't do overly well at budgeting her money or spends it on stuff like the above. I don't think she understands that sometimes you have to go without the expensive fun things. Like instead of a sportscar, get an economy car, and regular internet instead of high speed. :shrug: Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having or wanting such things (I would love a Ford Mustang!) but you have to be realistic about your budget and if you can really afford it.

She is a good-hearted person, don't get me wrong. She is right there for you if you need her. She just doesn't understand about how to be happy though, and that you have to MAKE YOURSELF be happy, and not rely on others. And that to get somewhere, you have to start at the bottom.

And I think getting and remaining happy is in itself hard work. Being negative is the easy way out.

DD

I didnt mean assistance persay. I was talking about social security. Here some have retired at 62 or 63 and taken a cut in their checks. Well as I said just love her and close your ears to her complaining.

DD, I think happiness is a choice one makes fairly early in life... and a habit one develops. When you watch the news and you see someone living in some horrible refugee camp smiling and playing with their kid you know that being happy for them is a choice. They could sit there and sink into dispair, but they are trying to find some joy in the squalor.

While pretty much nothing in the US even approximates a refugee camp in sub-Saharan Africa, the principal in the same: happiness is a habit. I have a friend who is a dear thing and, from my perspective, has (materially anyway) more than anyone could hope to want, a loving husband, a lovely home... and yet she is terribly unhappy. From where I'm standing, it looks like a choice. No, she wasn't able to have children. Yes, this is very sad for her. But she has kids in her life... it is just that when she spends time with them she focuses on how much she loves doing it... and how they aren't hers. Instead of on just how much fun this particular moment in time is, and how rewarding it is.

Life is about choices. It is kind of like someone saying "Oh, we couldn't help ourselves, the affair just happened." I mean... what? A giant hook grabbed you and tied you together? I don't think so. Choices were made.

But happiness.. I think that's a habit you develop as a kid. You either develop the skill of finding happiness, or you don't. I think you can learn happiness later on in life, probably some new age guru would call that "finding acceptance," but bottom line, it is a choice.

What Morrison Corner said.

Now.... YOU get to make choices, too.

You can continue to be angry at her and frustrated and think that you know what decisions she should make.

Or, you can just observe, listen, and let her live her life without your energy flailing around on the side.

* * * *

I recommend the book Loving What Is, by Byron Katie. It will free your mind.

No, that doesn't sound cruel! She's not an infant. She's the captain of her own ship. Too bad she keeps insisting on running it into the reef.

I know I wouldn't be able to resist pointing that out to her, but I'm not terribly patient with people like that. We had one woman at work who would find something to whine about in any situation. We were chatting in a small group at break time and she cried "Oh, I hate being the oldest one here!" I told her, "Well Nance, you messed up by not dying early."

She would go to great lengths to gain sympathy, but giving her any was like pouring water into a sieve. I finally started snarking off to her just to be able to stand to be in her vicinity, avoiding her whenever I could.

I don't have any advice for you, just wanted to let you know you're not awful for expecting her to fix her own life.

Yeah, I have an in-law or two like this. One is worse than your sis, if that is possible.

I quit trying to "fix" her after 15 years or so, and now she draws disability. Your sis will soon draw SS on her ex's income.

Sounds like your sis has PLENTY if income going through her fingers, likely more than you do! But, if she SAYS so nobody will give her anything, so she makes SURE she is poor! There is McDonalds, and gambling, and so forth which CAN suck up all the money if you want it too! And there are some who will make SURE they are poor so they can party and talk others into paying their bills! Then they pat themselves of the back for being clever enough to beat the system!

I am an RN, and it took me a while to realize EMOTIONALLY that there are some people who do not WANT to be fixed. So, I tell her she is looking well, share family news, and I am GRATEFULL that my DH rarely chooses to be around her!

My old therapist would ask 'What's the pay-off?', as in what's the payoff for you to keep doing this self-destructive behavior or keep thinking these self-defeating thoughts?

And often it's to prove to your parents some old hurt or anger that never got resolved.

Anyway, I think you are handling things fine. As others have said, she's made it this far so she is capable of taking care of herself. If and when she wants to change, she will.

Poor Pitiful Pearl...

I'm kind of in a similar boat with one of my sisters. She's always been a whiner and a complainer, although she does have her good qualities.

She is on SSI disability and depended on our mother for moral support and extra cash for things that were emergencies.

Well, our mother died a couple of years ago--the rest of my 5 siblings really didn't want to deal with this sister at all. Soooo...I took up the cause.

I'll share what I did and how it all worked out:

My husband and I started calling her a couple of times a week, just to see how she was doing. She rambled on and on and on, and we listened--and tried to encourage her. She had a whole lot of grief about our mother--didn't even get to attend her funeral.

She's also one of those people who hashes over the past...over and over and over. But we listened....then would ask her, "So, how are you doing TODAY?"

We sent her a calling card so she could call us anytime, and told her we really loved hearing from her. We filled it when it ran out.

When she really felt she needed something--we got it for her. But not just any old thing. We also told her that we were on a disability income and it was really hard for us to do this, but we wanted to help her.

For Christmas and her birthday I got her several nice things and things she needed, such as a new vacuum, some new shoes, homemade fudge, some nice makeup, some good vitamins, and a few things just for fun or jokes.

I talked to my sisters-in-law and got them to sending her little cards and family photos--and a little cash slipped in.

I called her doctor and advocated for her and wrote a letter. Then finally she told me she wanted a certain supplement that she really felt would help her. I thought it was kind of a "quack" remedy--but she was so insistent. Soooo. ... I ordered her a whole case of it--at a discount. She was absolutely over-joyed. It was a year's supply.

Now, I don't know if this stuff works, or if she was just so convinced that it works....but she started feeling remarkably better. She started de-cluttering her house and cleaning. I gave her a few simple recipes and she started cooking. Last year she even prepared a complete Thanksgiving dinner and invited some friends over. She was so proud of herself!

She started taking long daily walks--a couple of miles. She found a bike at a thrift store and started riding it.

At one time she was a preschool teacher and was really good with little kids. She started babysitting for a little extra cash every month. And she thoroughly enjoys the little kids--part-time.

And she quit asking for anything! The only thing she needed this year was a new furnace, which our father paid to have installed for her. Her income is about $500./a month and she has become very frugal and thrifty. (I told her she was just like our mother--she could really budget a nickel!)

Most of all she seems happier. She told me a few months ago that she felt like nobody cared about her--but that she knew now that we really did!

She's been able to visit our family several times now and seems to get along reasonably well with everyone--well except one sister. (4 out of 5--not bad.)

I have to admit that all of this cost us about $1800. over a period of time. But the way I looked at it, I'd rather help my sister than donate to charity.

It could have gone either way, I know that. But like I said, I always kept her aware that we didn't have a whole lot of extra money.

This was just my experience with my sister. Every case is different. But sometimes I think people just lack self-esteem and need a little boost in that dept.

If your sister is cleaning homes--that is a very good way to earn money. I highly recommend it. She can draw her Social Security at age 62, which should help too.

Good luck! I'd say try to be kind to your sister, even though it's a pain at times. People can and do change for the better sometimes, if you give them a chance.

You can be generous with a little card and a $20 bill or a cute gift--and that should help her self-esteem immensely.

I don't understand how she feels working McDonalds wouldn't pay enough and not worth it, but she cleans homes and there's not enough hours to pay her bills. HUH? :shrug:

Next time she starts whinning about her life, just tell her she must enjoy the life she has because she's "Really" not doing anything to change it.

I had a long time friend that was just this way, every word out of her mouth was negative. I finally just told her to zip the lip, I've heard it all before. She did try to be more positive after that, at least around me.


.

Over the years I have encountered people who just don't seem to want to help themselves, but have no problem trying to solicit sympathy for their situation. My husband had an observation that I always think of when I encounter someone like this.

He said, "People are afraid of change. They will keep doing what they are doing until their current situation is more scary for them then the concept of change."

I can identify with a lot of what you are saying, as my sister makes me crazy most of the time, too! She is a wonderful person, when she wants to be helpful, but can be overhelpful and try to micro-manage everyone's lives, too. Her own life is a mess, she isn't happy and doesn't think she has any friends, but won't make the slightest effort to 'be a friend', either. I'm trying to just be positive with her, encourage her to do what needs to be done to straighten things out, and congratulate her when it works out.

We all need to remember we're talking about someone in Canada, so our social security plan doesn't apply here, and won't help her.

Hope things can be resolved so you all can live peaceably! Let us know how it goes, and don't give up on her.

Jan in Co

I was going to suggest making her a nice "Homeless, Please help" sign but since she has a sports car she wouldn't really be homeless.

Call me coldhearted if you want but IMO, anybody that drives a real nice car and turns down work because "I don't want to do that" just doesn't deserve help.

I agree with David in Wisc. She is what I would call and "energy sponge" and she'll suck the life right out of you if you let her. Let Eore have her life-long pity party. Don't listen if she calls to whine. Either say nothing an be done with it or take the bull by the horns and say to her...

"Sis, I understand you feel life has been unfair to you, but you are the captain of your own ship. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and do something positive for yourself. You will feel SO GOOD when you do! Stop making excuses to yourself about why you are where you are. Stop whining about the past, you can't change it. Start making the right choices. I'll be here to be your cheerleader but I won't be here if you decide to just float along and not help yourself. The choice (always is/was/will be) yours. I love you and want the best for you, but I can't do it for you. Now, go and do something GOOD for your future and let me know how you are doing."

That's just a sample of the type of message you can send her. Then, take your hands off of her steering wheel and see where she goes. She's 62 and ought to be able to make her way in the world by now.

Good luck!

Pat

Maybe she's happy with things the way they are but feels that she needs to complain to fit other people's assumptions about how she SHOULD be feeling/wanting/accomplishing?

Mon

If you are making it possible for her to not change - STOP IT! :) (i.e. check yourself to make sure you are not sending your sister the message that the behavior she is doing that is driving you crazy is okay with you.)

Tell her you will be there for her if she is willing to do things to help herself. Give her a written list of what that will mean...and if she is unwilling to help herself you see no reason for someone else (you) to spend time and energy on someone who is unwilling to do the same for themselves.

Just be aware that she has 62 years of her way working for her so far....

Marlene

First of all, I know where you're coming from. Not so much with the "doesn't have an education and refuses to do anything to help herself", but definitely with the "you don't understand because your life is perfect" attitude.

There comes a time when you have to inform them that you no longer want to hear it, and your reasons why. In my case it was a matter of saying, "you know, you've been saying how awful this is, but what are you doing to change it? Only YOU can change your life, you know -- I can't do it for you."

Of course, the subsequent explosion was comparable to Hiroshima... but she doesn't call me for sympathy any more :D

Once you've done all you can, you have to let them fail and either pick themselves up... or not. It's like an alcoholic, until they hit bottom and decide that they want to change, no one is going to be able to do anything at all. I know it hurts, but it's the way it is.

You say your sister was a victim of verbal abuse in her marriage. Maybe the only way she knows how to relate to people is by being the weak and pitiful one -- maybe her husband conditioned her to believe that she was both, and it's the only way she understands how to put herself forward. Maybe the suggestion of counseling would work -- and maybe not. In the end, it's purely up to her. If she doesn't want to change her situation, there is nothing you can do to change it for her.

Thanks, guys! I particularly liked the "you're the captain of your own ship" . Sadly, I don't think she will ever get that it also refers to her. :(

I also agree that she is probably just a habitual complainer, and no matter what, there will always be something. I think she's the type that has high hopes for great things but expects it all to be dropped in her lap without having to work for it. I sincerely believe that she doesn't understand that some people "have things" from working long and hard for it. She lives under a black cloud and everyone else is just "lucky".

*sigh*

My husband keeps saying, "Well, you SAY that you're going to quit calling her when you see ads for jobs, etc, but you keep doing it!" Ahhh, he's right, I know I will end up frustrated with the excuses, but I guess I just keep hoping that someday she will actually pull up her bootstraps and get a life. :cool:

Thanks all, for letting me realize that I'm not just being a big meanie. :)

My woe-is-me friend.
 

I've told this story before but I'll tell it again.

Years ago, I had a friend who would come over, grab my tissue box and cry at my kitchen table. Every day! He marriage, her life, her children, her mother and step-father---everything was terrible. One day I said the following:

If you don't like your life, change it. If you don't want to change it, shut up about it.

It's called tough love and your sister needs a large dose.

But how do you respond when you call someone just to see how they're doing and when you ask, "What have you been up to?" or "How are you?", the response is always the same: "Nothing as usual, because I have no life."

ARGH! Well, then again, I guess the answer is simple: don't ask. :(

And yes, this is the same sister who was recently diagnosed with macular degeneration, from the other thread---a whole 'nuther issue to content with. I suppose that explains her "extra depressed" mood last week, when she was diagnosed. Now she's back to her usual "black cloud" mood.

Simply ignore her moods. Maybe if she doesn't get a reaction, she'll drop the "poor lil' ol' me" act.

(And, it IS an act.)

"Ookay. Well, nice talkin' to ya!" *click*

That is really awesome. Sometimes people do just need a little boost to make changes in their life.

Has your sister ever worked and paid into Canada Pension? If so, I believe she can start to draw on that at age 60. There is a penalty, but it is available.

Choices. She has made specific choices, and continues to make choices, and now it's up to her to live in the world she has created, or choose to change it.

Re-read your inital post. She doesn't want... she doesn't want... she doesn't want... What's up with that? What DOES she want? Obviously, she wants everyone around her to try and fix her life, which according to her is unfixable. Sounds like a total exercise in futility to me. Just because you're her sister doesn't make it your responsibility to ensure that she is happy.

Next time she starts, ask her what she does want. Ask her what would fix her life. Then tell her to get off her duff and do it, or just shut up about it.

----- the response is always the same: "Nothing as usual, because I have no life." ---

I had a friend who used to say this until I told her, "well, if you don't have a life, you'd be dead. You're not dead so you must have a life."

Needless to say, I cringed at her response! Not lady-like at all!

We had an aunt like that. SHe was a raging alcoholic most of her life until she got old and sick and had to stop drinking. SHe's outlived all of her siblings. My dad, her brother, would just make light of it and dance around her like he was playing a violin and say something like, "oh, poor Mildred, life has been so unkind to her". Everyone would laugh and she'd shut up.

Now THAT is tough love! I don't disagree w/it either. There is that saying about
making your own bed and having to lie in it. :rolleyes:

I used to get a bit of "you won't understand because your life is so perfect" and still get "wish I were rich like you". Guess my few troubles the past decade took away the "your life is so perfect" tack from this sister of mine (and when I complain about my medical issues she'll top it with "I have the same symptoms just never seen the doctor about it" (when her symptoms as she tells me of them aren't as bad/often as mine have been) ).

The "wish I were rich like you" is galling- well why not finish college and get a better paying job you vagabond?!? And put in a few years of 60-90 hour work weeks to get where I am, as I had to!

Anyway with your sister (except now while she's grieving her vision loss) I'd be very tempted to take one of these two tacks:

1- top every complaint with one of your own, drummed up from thin air if necessary. Especially complain about your slow internet/ ungroovy car and how you wish you had the kind she does. If she ever says "why not just get it?" counter with "why don't YOU ever just go do what you know would get you what you are missing from life?"

or 2- counter every complaint with sunshiney tales of how lovely your life is; say "maybe this will cheer you up some- we just had this great news:..."


But really stop telling her of job listings- don't YOU learn anything? If you can't resist just bring them out when she is complaining about money/job insecurity. But I guess maybe you're trying to teach HER to not tell you her job woes... I cured my dad of complaining about my step-mom to me by telling her everything he said. "You weren't supposed to tell her I said THAT!!!" Really improved my phone conversations with him when he stopped that topic permanently. But aside from reporting her to the tax authorities you don't have a similar person to rat her out to to get her to quit sounding of on her annoying topics to you.

She has held maybe 3 legit jobs in the last 15 years, none of which lasted much more than maybe a year. Then always quit because of her wrists being sore, stress, didn't want to work shifts, etc. Once was laid off. That's the extent of her employment history, so no, she could not claim.

Since she is divorced from her husband, she cannot continue to collect anything else from him after she accepted a lump sum and small monthly spousal support payment (time-limited). She has been depending on what she did get from his early retirement, but that has now ended. She has also lost the benefits (such as prescriptions) that she was receiving from him. The factory he worked at closed down, and they were given a lump severance, and that is it, all gone now.

OMG, so we DO have something in common then, don't we? :p

Yeah, I know it. :rolleyes: Guess I'm a sucker for punishment. It's very hard not to pull the ads out though, when she starts griping about not having any money.