I give up! (Rant about sister)

Tracy Rimmer · #21 10/21/07, 11:33 AM

First of all, I know where you're coming from. Not so much with the "doesn't have an education and refuses to do anything to help herself", but definitely with the "you don't understand because your life is perfect" attitude.

There comes a time when you have to inform them that you no longer want to hear it, and your reasons why. In my case it was a matter of saying, "you know, you've been saying how awful this is, but what are you doing to change it? Only YOU can change your life, you know -- I can't do it for you."

Of course, the subsequent explosion was comparable to Hiroshima... but she doesn't call me for sympathy any more

Once you've done all you can, you have to let them fail and either pick themselves up... or not. It's like an alcoholic, until they hit bottom and decide that they want to change, no one is going to be able to do anything at all. I know it hurts, but it's the way it is.

You say your sister was a victim of verbal abuse in her marriage. Maybe the only way she knows how to relate to people is by being the weak and pitiful one -- maybe her husband conditioned her to believe that she was both, and it's the only way she understands how to put herself forward. Maybe the suggestion of counseling would work -- and maybe not. In the end, it's purely up to her. If she doesn't want to change her situation, there is nothing you can do to change it for her.

DixyDoodle · #22 10/23/07, 07:01 PM

Thanks, guys! I particularly liked the "you're the captain of your own ship" . Sadly, I don't think she will ever get that it also refers to her.

I also agree that she is probably just a habitual complainer, and no matter what, there will always be something. I think she's the type that has high hopes for great things but expects it all to be dropped in her lap without having to work for it. I sincerely believe that she doesn't understand that some people "have things" from working long and hard for it. She lives under a black cloud and everyone else is just "lucky".

*sigh*

My husband keeps saying, "Well, you SAY that you're going to quit calling her when you see ads for jobs, etc, but you keep doing it!" Ahhh, he's right, I know I will end up frustrated with the excuses, but I guess I just keep hoping that someday she will actually pull up her bootstraps and get a life.

Thanks all, for letting me realize that I'm not just being a big meanie.

Ardie/WI · #23 10/23/07, 07:15 PM

I've told this story before but I'll tell it again.

Years ago, I had a friend who would come over, grab my tissue box and cry at my kitchen table. Every day! He marriage, her life, her children, her mother and step-father---everything was terrible. One day I said the following:

If you don't like your life, change it. If you don't want to change it, shut up about it.

It's called tough love and your sister needs a large dose.

DixyDoodle · #24 10/24/07, 04:58 AM

But how do you respond when you call someone just to see how they're doing and when you ask, "What have you been up to?" or "How are you?", the response is always the same: "Nothing as usual, because I have no life."

ARGH! Well, then again, I guess the answer is simple: don't ask.

And yes, this is the same sister who was recently diagnosed with macular degeneration, from the other thread---a whole 'nuther issue to content with. I suppose that explains her "extra depressed" mood last week, when she was diagnosed. Now she's back to her usual "black cloud" mood.

Ardie/WI · #25 10/24/07, 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DixyDoodle

But how do you respond when you call someone just to see how they're doing and when you ask, "What have you been up to?" or "How are you?", the response is always the same: "Nothing as usual, because I have no life."

ARGH! Well, then again, I guess the answer is simple: don't ask.

And yes, this is the same sister who was recently diagnosed with macular degeneration, from the other thread---a whole 'nuther issue to content with. I suppose that explains her "extra depressed" mood last week, when she was diagnosed. Now she's back to her usual "black cloud" mood.

Simply ignore her moods. Maybe if she doesn't get a reaction, she'll drop the "poor lil' ol' me" act.

(And, it IS an act.)

Bink · #26 10/24/07, 08:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DixyDoodle

But how do you respond when you call someone just to see how they're doing and when you ask, "What have you been up to?" or "How are you?", the response is always the same: "Nothing as usual, because I have no life."

"Ookay. Well, nice talkin' to ya!" *click*

Melissa · #27 10/24/07, 08:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildwood Flower

I'm kind of in a similar boat with one of my sisters. She's always been a whiner and a complainer, although she does have her good qualities.

She is on SSI disability and depended on our mother for moral support and extra cash for things that were emergencies.

Well, our mother died a couple of years ago--the rest of my 5 siblings really didn't want to deal with this sister at all. Soooo...I took up the cause.

I'll share what I did and how it all worked out:

My husband and I started calling her a couple of times a week, just to see how she was doing. She rambled on and on and on, and we listened--and tried to encourage her. She had a whole lot of grief about our mother--didn't even get to attend her funeral.

She's also one of those people who hashes over the past...over and over and over. But we listened....then would ask her, "So, how are you doing TODAY?"

We sent her a calling card so she could call us anytime, and told her we really loved hearing from her. We filled it when it ran out.

When she really felt she needed something--we got it for her. But not just any old thing. We also told her that we were on a disability income and it was really hard for us to do this, but we wanted to help her.

For Christmas and her birthday I got her several nice things and things she needed, such as a new vacuum, some new shoes, homemade fudge, some nice makeup, some good vitamins, and a few things just for fun or jokes.

I talked to my sisters-in-law and got them to sending her little cards and family photos--and a little cash slipped in.

I called her doctor and advocated for her and wrote a letter. Then finally she told me she wanted a certain supplement that she really felt would help her. I thought it was kind of a "quack" remedy--but she was so insistent. Soooo. ... I ordered her a whole case of it--at a discount. She was absolutely over-joyed. It was a year's supply.

Now, I don't know if this stuff works, or if she was just so convinced that it works....but she started feeling remarkably better. She started de-cluttering her house and cleaning. I gave her a few simple recipes and she started cooking. Last year she even prepared a complete Thanksgiving dinner and invited some friends over. She was so proud of herself!

She started taking long daily walks--a couple of miles. She found a bike at a thrift store and started riding it.

At one time she was a preschool teacher and was really good with little kids. She started babysitting for a little extra cash every month. And she thoroughly enjoys the little kids--part-time.

And she quit asking for anything! The only thing she needed this year was a new furnace, which our father paid to have installed for her. Her income is about $500./a month and she has become very frugal and thrifty. (I told her she was just like our mother--she could really budget a nickel!)

Most of all she seems happier. She told me a few months ago that she felt like nobody cared about her--but that she knew now that we really did!

She's been able to visit our family several times now and seems to get along reasonably well with everyone--well except one sister. (4 out of 5--not bad.)

I have to admit that all of this cost us about $1800. over a period of time. But the way I looked at it, I'd rather help my sister than donate to charity.

It could have gone either way, I know that. But like I said, I always kept her aware that we didn't have a whole lot of extra money.

This was just my experience with my sister. Every case is different. But sometimes I think people just lack self-esteem and need a little boost in that dept.

If your sister is cleaning homes--that is a very good way to earn money. I highly recommend it. She can draw her Social Security at age 62, which should help too.

Good luck! I'd say try to be kind to your sister, even though it's a pain at times. People can and do change for the better sometimes, if you give them a chance.

You can be generous with a little card and a $20 bill or a cute gift--and that should help her self-esteem immensely.

That is really awesome. Sometimes people do just need a little boost to make changes in their life.

Bernadette · #28 10/24/07, 09:13 AM

Has your sister ever worked and paid into Canada Pension? If so, I believe she can start to draw on that at age 60. There is a penalty, but it is available.

Choices. She has made specific choices, and continues to make choices, and now it's up to her to live in the world she has created, or choose to change it.

Re-read your inital post. She doesn't want... she doesn't want... she doesn't want... What's up with that? What DOES she want? Obviously, she wants everyone around her to try and fix her life, which according to her is unfixable. Sounds like a total exercise in futility to me. Just because you're her sister doesn't make it your responsibility to ensure that she is happy.

Next time she starts, ask her what she does want. Ask her what would fix her life. Then tell her to get off her duff and do it, or just shut up about it.

Sonshe · #29 10/24/07, 09:38 AM

----- the response is always the same: "Nothing as usual, because I have no life." ---

I had a friend who used to say this until I told her, "well, if you don't have a life, you'd be dead. You're not dead so you must have a life."

Needless to say, I cringed at her response! Not lady-like at all!

sancraft · #30 10/24/07, 09:48 AM

We had an aunt like that. SHe was a raging alcoholic most of her life until she got old and sick and had to stop drinking. SHe's outlived all of her siblings. My dad, her brother, would just make light of it and dance around her like he was playing a violin and say something like, "oh, poor Mildred, life has been so unkind to her". Everyone would laugh and she'd shut up.

patnewmex · #31 10/24/07, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sancraft

We had an aunt like that. SHe was a raging alcoholic most of her life until she got old and sick and had to stop drinking. SHe's outlived all of her siblings. My dad, her brother, would just make light of it and dance around her like he was playing a violin and say something like, "oh, poor Mildred, life has been so unkind to her". Everyone would laugh and she'd shut up.

Now THAT is tough love! I don't disagree w/it either. There is that saying about
making your own bed and having to lie in it.

Jenn · #32 10/24/07, 02:43 PM

I used to get a bit of "you won't understand because your life is so perfect" and still get "wish I were rich like you". Guess my few troubles the past decade took away the "your life is so perfect" tack from this sister of mine (and when I complain about my medical issues she'll top it with "I have the same symptoms just never seen the doctor about it" (when her symptoms as she tells me of them aren't as bad/often as mine have been) ).

The "wish I were rich like you" is galling- well why not finish college and get a better paying job you vagabond?!? And put in a few years of 60-90 hour work weeks to get where I am, as I had to!

Anyway with your sister (except now while she's grieving her vision loss) I'd be very tempted to take one of these two tacks:

1- top every complaint with one of your own, drummed up from thin air if necessary. Especially complain about your slow internet/ ungroovy car and how you wish you had the kind she does. If she ever says "why not just get it?" counter with "why don't YOU ever just go do what you know would get you what you are missing from life?"

or 2- counter every complaint with sunshiney tales of how lovely your life is; say "maybe this will cheer you up some- we just had this great news:..."

But really stop telling her of job listings- don't YOU learn anything? If you can't resist just bring them out when she is complaining about money/job insecurity. But I guess maybe you're trying to teach HER to not tell you her job woes... I cured my dad of complaining about my step-mom to me by telling her everything he said. "You weren't supposed to tell her I said THAT!!!" Really improved my phone conversations with him when he stopped that topic permanently. But aside from reporting her to the tax authorities you don't have a similar person to rat her out to to get her to quit sounding of on her annoying topics to you.

DixyDoodle · #33 10/25/07, 04:09 AM

Quote:

Has your sister ever worked and paid into Canada Pension? If so, I believe she can start to draw on that at age 60.

She has held maybe 3 legit jobs in the last 15 years, none of which lasted much more than maybe a year. Then always quit because of her wrists being sore, stress, didn't want to work shifts, etc. Once was laid off. That's the extent of her employment history, so no, she could not claim.

Since she is divorced from her husband, she cannot continue to collect anything else from him after she accepted a lump sum and small monthly spousal support payment (time-limited). She has been depending on what she did get from his early retirement, but that has now ended. She has also lost the benefits (such as prescriptions) that she was receiving from him. The factory he worked at closed down, and they were given a lump severance, and that is it, all gone now.

Quote:

(and when I complain about my medical issues she'll top it with "I have the same symptoms just never seen the doctor about it" (when her symptoms as she tells me of them aren't as bad/often as mine have been) ).

OMG, so we DO have something in common then, don't we?

Quote:

But really stop telling her of job listings- don't YOU learn anything?

Yeah, I know it.

Guess I'm a sucker for punishment. It's very hard not to pull the ads out though, when she starts griping about not having any money.