I really just cant believe it..

Fellini, only you are in the hot seat and only you can decided. And, once a decision is made, only you can pull it off.

Read the posts but only for ideas!

BTW, WHO did you ask about free counseling? At the County Health Department my nephew got it for $7 a session. True, that is not FREE, but it is not bad!

As to the counseling - I think it really depends on where you live. Where I live mental health services are very easy to get. Where my sister lives, it takes almost a year to get in. All depends on where you are. That being said, look and ask around, you might find really good care.

Since you mentioned drinking was a problem, I highly suggest you try an Al-Anon meeting or three. There's a lot of wisdom in those church basements. They will help you learn to cope with your feelings about the situation and provide other options for you that you may not know about.

Good luck!

B.

To be truthful, Alice was just venting when she started this thread. But, many of us see a very unhealthy situation for that young woman that Daddy's is enabling. And, Alice is helping him do it. That DD is heading down a dangerous road of self destruction and nobody is putting out a hand to stop her.

I guess that's what is so scarey.

Tuff love is just that tuff love. Its tuff on the parent and its tuff on the kid. However, the end results are usually worth it. Been there, done that and my dd was a whole lot younger than yours. Enabling is allowing the bad behavior to continue. Tuff love draws a line and says this far no further.

Years ago we were in an after care group for parents of teens with drug and alcohol problems. This was after the kids had finished treatment and parents had been in a program for parents at the same time. There were parents in the group that understood tuff love was necessary and those who just couldn't find the backbone to do what was best for their kids. One of the worst fathers refused to draw a line for his son throughout 2 years in this group. I saw just last week that his son was sent to prison for drugs and its probably the 10th time thru the years that young man's name has been in arrests in the paper. Another mother refused to kick her son's behind out the door and he ended up killing himself with drugs (it might have happened anyway, but she enabled him to use by not forcing him to get a job and live on his own and not filing charges when he stole from her and his sister). Those of us who used the tuff love approach kids are still alive and mostly all sober. Their lives have often been messy and painful to watch, but they were not conducted under our roofs.

What is your state law on involuntary commitment for mental health? In Iowa 2 people can sign papers to have an individual committed for a 3 day evaluation after which they go in front of a judge for determination on whether they can be set free or must be committed for their own well being. If the person is insolvent then the county or state pays for their care. Such an evaluation might be just the wake up call your dd needs or, on the other hand, might show she needs intensive counseling. Either way at least you'd have done something.

Has your dh read these posts? Maybe he should.

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This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

This will probably be my last post, and definatly my last post on this subject. But I did find out tonight that you all are 100% correct.
I found out the reason daughter has been going out every night to party is that DH gave her $50 to do just that. She is out again tonight, hasn't actually been home since wednesday. Hubby obviously wants her to be dependant on him and for her to live here the rest of her life.
Alice in Virginia, at least for right now

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There is nothing any worse than an angry little old lady, they've had a lifetime to learn all the dirty tricks and people get upset if you hit them!

Ugh.
If there is any sliding-scale counselling available in your area, I'd suggest it for you and hubby. Divorce and moving house is expensive.

If things are that bad, can you at least speak honestly with the daughter and ask her why she's content to drive a wedge between her father and you, what it is she hopes to accomplish?

Once again, WindinHerHair, articulated my thoughts in a so much more diplomatic fashion

Alice, I was not hoping for you to stop posting, I was hoping I would shock you into the realization that nothing is going to change until YOU decide to do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do. I read your post each and everytime, hoping that you have taken control of your life and have some pleasently surprizing news to share with us.

If your Hubby is using much needed household funds to enable his daughter to continue on the path she's on, I'd take an equal amount and make an appointment for family counselling.

I certainly would not allow the daughter to take what is mine from me.

Good luck, and please keep posting, after all it's very obvious that there are far far more of the "oh, I understand, it's not your fault" post addressed to your threads then there are ones like mine.

Hugs
Marlene

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It is the one with persistence and determination that brings great ideas into being.

Oh, bless your heart! Alice, I'm so sorry about your DH's behavior.

I'll say a prayer for you and I know that you have the strength to do what is necessary.

I'm sorry things have taken a turn for the worse. Make sure that the decisions you make are decisions you can live with.

I'm praying for your family.

Alice - heres a ((((((Alice)))))) hug.

You have a lot of thinking to do. With that last post about him giving her money to party. You have a tough situation to make decisions about.

Good luck Alice in VA (for now).


From - Angie

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"Live your life, and forget your age." Norman Vincent Peale

A tragedy like your daughter's would've brought most families closer together. Sadly, this one seems to be tearing it apart. The signs were apparent as long ago as the first post about this subject, as little as one week after this horrible trauma. Maybe it's not the end, maybe real and honest communication can open some doors, or maybe doors were shut a long time ago by either party. At least you have knowledge now to help you steer your own life in which ever direction you see fit.

My ex would build up charges, miss payments, etc. She got the mail and hid the bills from me, turned the ringer off on the phone, and such. My credit stinks, but I was unaware of the prob. as it was well hidden from me. So why should I be punished when trying to get a job?
Ed

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"Agriculture is our wisest pursuit, because it will in the end contribute most to real wealth, good morals, and happiness."
Thomas Jefferson to George Washington 1787

Excuse me WindinHerHair let me please take this one, since I've seen it first, will also look forward to your response

Whiterock, because you choose to allow your wife to be totally incharge of the finances within your household, and did not choose to take the time and effort to continuously be aware of what was going happen there within, with YOUR money.

This tells a possible employer that you might be very good at doing assigned duties but you will not be looking out for the over all operations of his company.

Lesson learned are assets not liabilities.


Hugs
Marlene

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It is the one with persistence and determination that brings great ideas into being.

And here's where character comes into the mix.

If I had bills piling up on my floor and my dad gave me $50 to go out drinking, that $50 would have gone to paying off one of those bills.

But then, what makes me happiest is paddling into a quiet wild wetland and listening to the birds as the sun rises. So I suppose there's a risk part of it would go toward renting a kayak if I didn't already own one.

When you are married to someone, you trust them. That's part of the reason you married them. Sometimes that comfort and trust extends to letting someone handle the finances completely and not worrying about it - because you trust them. Sometimes you trust that you and your partner are on the same page emotionally when dealing with a problem.

Occasionally that trust is misplaced; either financially or emotionally. It's kind of a rude shock. If the surprise is emotional you have some tough decisions to make. If the surprise is financial, sometimes the really tough decisions are made for you; I know, I have an acquaintance who lost her house because her husband wasn't making payments and was hiding the notices from her (he got home first and got the mail, just shredded them). They're divorced after well over 20 years of marriage now, by the way.

Fellini, please don't let a few people prevent you from keeping us updated. You have not inundated the board as may have been suggested, just a thread every now and then to let us know she's still there. I wish I could improve things for you, but the best we can all do is say a prayer and offer an ear or a little suggestion if there's something you may not have tried. I'm sorry your husband is encouraging this behavior by funding her fiestas.

I'm going to lock this thread for now. Fellini, let me know if you want me to unlock it or leave it as is.

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A wise man speaks because he has something to say; a fool because he has to say something. - Plato